Kevin Walker quotes from Brothers &amp; Sisters

I should have a black eye for as long as possible to remind me never to be a chivalrous ass.

Kevin

I wish I was a chivalrous ass instead of being just wholly an ass.

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Rebecca

Okay, I never really had brothers and sisters so I don't know how big families work, um, maybe this is the normal thing to do you know, just do things in a clump, like you all get together, solve problems.

Kevin

No, no, we tend to make things worse and then blame each other.

Yeah, that's pretty much how it works.

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[Trying to set Kevin up with Jason McCallister] He's completely your type.

Kevin

What, attractive and emotionally unavailable?

No, that would be you.

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Connect four.

Kevin

What? Where?

One, two, three four. I win.

Kevin

What, whoa, what? Wait, were you distracting me? That was a set up?

Yeah.

Kevin

Wow, great strategy. Wait till you're old enough for game night.

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Uncle Kevin, can I ask you a question?

Kevin

How come I got all the good looks in the family?

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Oh it's not. It's not top secret. But it, yes it's a... it is, it's a very sensitive national security thing. I'm sorry that's all I can say about it.

Kevin

I'm sorry, "thing"?

That's why McCallister gave you a bag of lingerie to take with you? Oh yeah, I can see the faith of the free world hangs in the balance.

Apparently that's not the only thing that's hanging.

Oh that's funny, Justin. When did you get to be so funny?

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Are you in pain?

No, no. They gave me a nerve block, so I don't feel anything from the waist down.

Kevin

Great. At least the female population of Pasadena will be safe for a while.

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What are you now, like 35 years old? Have you ever had a relationship that’s lasted longer than three weeks? You walk around in your suit and tie pretending that you’re a man, but really you’re just a scared little boy.

Kevin

Actually, I have a boyfriend, and I have for quite awhile now…….

…big freaking whoop ..and what is she doing here?

Holly

I’m here for my daughter.

In case you haven’t noticed, she’s been living here all summer. Wishing she was a Walker. You too are exactly alike. You’ll do anything. No I’m sorry — screw anyone to be a part of this family!

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Kevin

Well, if you rule out all the democrat you're basically left with Ted Nugent, Lynyrd Skynyrd and ZZ Top!

Well, I'm a democrat and I lost my virginity to "She's Got Legs"!

Eww wow! Crossing the line Sarah!

Tommy

Mine was the "Dirty Dancing" theme!

Kevin

Wow! Be gayer!!

I bet Kitty's was "Talk radio"! Hey, Justin?

Don't look at me! I'm not having this conversation in front of mom!

Oh, please! Pink Floyd's "The Wall", Gabby Clyner, 10th grade!

You know that?

Kevin

I have two first sex soundtracks, girl and guy.

Okay now stop, stop you guys, please you're ruining all music for me.

Robert

Sorry I'm late

It's alright buddy

Robert, what song did you lose your virginity to?

Kevin

Mom!

Well we're just trying to figure out our wedding song.

Robert

Interesting methodology, uhhm, Endless love!

EEverybody

Aaaah!

Robert

Yeah ok. Does anyone know that Kitty has us scheduled for for dance lessons?

Tommy

Awwww Kitty!

Come on Tommy, I'm not that bad.

I got it Pretty Woman!

Come on mom! At a republican candidates wedding.

No that was the song I lost my virginity to.

Tommy

Mom we don't need to picture you and dad....

Who said anything about dad.

AAll

What?

I thought dad was your first?

Nope.

I thought dad swept you off your feet when you were barely 18.

Kevin

Mom you slut!

It was this guy I'd known in college, Stan Harris and it was in the back of his dad's car.

OOthers

Ewwwwww! [ They stand to exit]

He was tall and I was short... [All leave] So what it's like I've never had sex before.

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Kevin

I can't believe I'm being forced to go to a dinner party just so Mom can impress a Republican she has the hots for.

You keep saying he's a Republican. I'm far more impressed she might be dating a black man

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Uh, not that I don't love thumbing through gay porn… I'm sorry, male clothing catalogs… But what am I doing here, bro?

Kevin

Be nice or I'll put you on the mailing list

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Remember when we went surfing the other day, and you and Tommy accused me of hiding something about Rebecca?

Kevin

Yeah, vaguely.

There was a minute there when she wasn't sure she was our sister.

Kevin

You mean she's not?

She is, she took a test. But when I found that out, I was kinda into that idea that she...wasn't

Kevin

Why would you not want her to be part of the family?

I do...but I wasn't unhappy with the fact that she wasn't.

Kevin

What are you talking about?

How are you not getting this? I know you're gay, but you have eyes! She's not like...unattractive. you know?

Kevin

You're attracted to our sister?

Because I thought she wasn'T. That's what I'm saying.

Kevin

shut up. oh my god, you are sick. What...have you

no!No! Of course not.Look, I swear, I only thought of this when this whole paternity thing came up,and it was, like,just a... like a moment,and...and now I'm freaked out because what if it happens again?

Kevin

You have to stay away from her.

I know. I'm trying to-- to avoid her, but she keeps wanting to hang out. Like, kev, I'm making up, like, hot chicks that I'm supposedly dating so I can avoid her.

Kevin

Stop talking.

I told you. I'm the most disgusting person in the world.

Kevin

Okay, okay. Let's--let's just...let's just talk about this rationally. It's-- it's not entirely abnormal that you

No, I know, I know.

Kevin

So you just need a lile time-out to stop thinking about... inbreeding.

Ke-kevin!

Kevin

What? I'm trying to be sup-- why did you even tell me this?

Because you asked me, kevin! You know what? I'm j-- I'm just gonna tell her. I mean, I'm gonna get it out there

Kevin

Absolutely not.

what?

Kevin

Do not talk to her about--don't talk to anyone about this. Seriously, I love you, and I get that because she's not a sister, you might have thought things might have worked out a-a little more complicated, but she is, okay?

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Kevin

...Scotty?

Wait, wait, wait. Allow me. Tada!

Kevin

You changed the light bulbs.

You sound so disappointed.

Kevin

No I'm not, it's just, you know...I was supposed to do that.

Well, you seemed a little stressed so I'm giving you a break.

Kevin

Really? Can't think why.

That bad?

Kevin

Well let me see. First I was dealing with the family business being obliterated when Justin announced he has, on occation, been attracted to Rebecca, our sister.

What?!

Kevin

Believe me, it goes on. Then Sarah calls me over 'cause she's aggonizing over dating the guy who's deal obliterated the family business. But, the piece de resistance, Saul, who signed off on the deal that got the business obliterated, after being arrested for DUI for plowing his car into a tree because he's apparently lost the will to live, finally came out to me.

Oh my god, is he ok?

Kevin

He will be, I think. But, you know, it's like all these crazy people in my life are in this insane free-fall and completely incapable of being happy. And then I look at Saul who's missed his life entirely and I realise how lucky I am. Because I get to come home to someone who is kind and caring and who changes the light bulbs...and...marry me.

What?!

Kevin

I mean it, I don't wanna wait. I wanna make this official.

Because I changed the light bulbs?

Kevin

No..well yeah, kinda 'cause, Scotty that's who you are. I'm completely, completely in love with you. I even love the things about you that I hate...because you make me feel like I don't have to be anyone other than who I am and, to me, that feels like family and that's what I want us to be. I want us to be a family because that never ends. I'm doing this all wrong. [Gets down on one knee.] Scotty, I am asking you. Will you please marry me?

Yes. Yes, Kevin, I'll marry you.

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How do I look?

Kevin

What?