Ilana Wexler quotes from Broad City

Abbi Abrams

[In a video conferencing call] I can't really imagine what it's life for people with blue eyes.

Ilana Wexler

No idea, other than feeling like a fucking freak!

Abbi Abrams

We’re technically homeless right now.

Ilana Wexler

Ben Affleck was homeless for a night for a charity... we’re, like, doing that, just involuntarily.

Abbi Abrams

Yeah, we’re just a regular Matt and Ben.”

Abbi Abrams

We are officially homeless.

Ilana Wexler

No, dude, we are standing and awake. You gotta be lying down to be really homeless.

Abbi Abrams

Sorry. Or officially dicks. You know what? This is insane. I'm changing here, just, like, cover me.

Ilana Wexler

This is, like, getting to be ridiculous. Okay.

Abbi Abrams

Oh, my God. Ilana. What did you do? That solstice, like... They should, like, give you containers for-- you know, for--

Ilana Wexler

For what? Stealing lotion? What did you put it in?

Abbi Abrams

Those, like, plastic bags.

Ilana Wexler

Okay.

Abbi Abrams

The plastic bags are for swimsuits and, like, dirty gym clothes, not for loose goo. Just an FYI, okay?

Ilana Wexler

This is just insane.

Abbi Abrams

I know. I can't believe that I'm gonna go to my first gallery show looking like this. You're ruining my big break. I mean, look-- look at me, I look like garbage. You know what? I'm going in.

Ilana Wexler

Wait. What? This is the gallery?

Abbi Abrams

Yeah. This is a sandwich shop. Or it's a gallery after 8:00 'cause they make people put their laptops away.

Ilana Wexler

A sandwich shop?! You've been busting my balls all day over a sandwich shop?!

Abbi Abrams

You know what, dude? I think I want you to stay out here, 'cause I definitely don't want you coming in there if you're not gonna be supportive.

Ilana Wexler

Oh, I will absolutely be coming in.

Ilana Wexler

God, these bagels here are, like, very good, so. How's the, um, gallery going?

Abbi Abrams

It's not a gallery. It's a sandwich shop, you were right. And they don't really-- they don't even have meat, so I don't know if I would even consider it a sandwich shop, but... I'm sorry I was a bitch.

Ilana Wexler

Don't even worry about it, you know? When a friend makes a mistake, you forgive them blindly, right?

Abbi Abrams

Cool, yeah.

Ilana Wexler

I'm gonna go take a dump.

Abbi Abrams

Oh... cool, cool.

Lincoln Rice

Hey Abbi, you gotta start somewhere. And look at The Hardy Boys. They started out as kid detectives, just solving mysteries in Bayport and now they have an entire book series about them.

Abbi Abrams

Yeah, definitely, but you know, they are, like, fictional characters, but I appreciate the... sentiment behind it.

Ilana Wexler

[Discovers keys in a necklace under shirt] The keys to my apartment. Don't you ever tell Abbi. You can't ever tell her. You can't ever tell her this, this is-

Lincoln Rice

I won't tell Abbi, but I've told you several times and I'll tell you again, phone, keys, wallet- Every time. Phone, keys, wallet, P-K-W. Your brain is a muscle, Ilana, and I feel like that muscle isn't getting enough exercise. You need to do your brain kegels.

Ilana Wexler

Abbi, truth or dare?

Abbi Abrams

You know what, I'm gonna go with dare.

Ilana Wexler

I dare you to suck Jeremy's dick.

Abbi Abrams

Time Out New York. Love it. That the warehouse sale is this weekend and I need to find something cool to wear.

Ilana Wexler

No, you don't. You look sexy and vivacious and artsy and like, young wife material, but, like, taut, and teasy still.

Abbi Abrams

It's a perfect combo. I mean, it's okay. It's, like, urban. Like Urban Outfitters. Got it. Thank you. To my frond... To the ond.

Ilana Wexler

And to free sparkling water. [Taps glass and drinks] Mmm... That's classy. [Belches] Very. Dude, just trust me. Chill.

Abbi Abrams

Come on. Gum is so repulsive. It is cow cud.

Ilana Wexler

Ab, this is Craig. A guy.

Abbi Abrams

Hi, I'm Abbi. I love pugs. My family comes from a long line of colonial Jews. Ilana has told me so much about you.

Abbi Abrams

Wait, so Jesus is a god, right?

Ilana Wexler

God is, like, Daddy God and Jesus is like, the Son God.

Abbi Abrams

So he's really just, like, a hot rich kid.

Ilana Wexler

Totally.

Abbi Abrams

[To Ilana with a man between on an airplane] So I've been meaning to tell you, that was a sick mile high joke.

Ilana Wexler

I wasn't joking. The Moyel Chai Club. You know how moyels suck baby dick?

Abbi Abrams

Wait, wait, what's a moyel?

Ilana Wexler

Honestly, are you Jewish? You're not supposed to be on this trip if you're not.

Abbi Abrams

Dude, I'm sorry, what the fuck is a moyel, and why are they sucking baby dick?

Ilana Wexler

A moyel is the Jewish dude who performs the circumcisions. You know, like a... a bris. So they don't do it in the hospital, so these rabbis can do whatever they want. So they take the detached baby foreskin, and they roll it around in their mouths with wine. [Abbi retches] And then they suck the baby dick itself to stop the bleeding.

Abbi Abrams

What the fuck are you talking about?

Ilana Wexler

Literally Judaism.

Abbi Abrams

So at every bris, someone sucks a baby dick?

Ilana Wexler

Only the most sacred ceremonies do we get to have the baby dick sucking.

Abbi Abrams

They get to have it?

Ilana Wexler

Yeah, it's like, Christian people get the Nilla wafer and we get... Like a sacrament.

Abbi Abrams

What?

Ilana Wexler

It's a wafer and when you take it in your mouth, you let go of all your sins. It's actually like, a beautiful ceremony. All right. So we're going to Israel right now, and we're supposed to be Jewish. Anyway, Moyel Chai Club. I want to suck a dick on this flight, babe! An adult dick, obviously.

Abbi Abrams

I can't believe that you want to suck a dick after everything that just came out of your mouth.

Ilana Wexler

Something about doing it in the sky.

Lincoln Rice

[At a restaurant] Communication is dope. On the long-term front, I would like to bring up an issue with the state of Maryland.

Ilana Wexler

Mm-hmm.

Lincoln Rice

I think I'd like to move there.

Ilana Wexler

You just want to up and move to middle-of-nowhere Maryland?

Lincoln Rice

Well, I'm from there, so my whole family would be there. My brother's a dentist, also, and we've always wanted to start our own practice, "The Tooth Factory." And there's lots of great schools there.

Ilana Wexler

Schools? So, w- w- what, like, cars drive around them slower, and it's safer to walk?

Lincoln Rice

No. Schools are... for the children that I father to attend.

Ilana Wexler

Are we... Are we still discussing this year? I don't really remember reviewing this for my notes.

Lincoln Rice

Well, I guess while looking at this year's points, I looked ahead at next year and the year after that.

Ilana Wexler

Is this about the rom-coms? 'Cause I'll watch one every weekend, you know? And I'll just rip a bong and laugh really sincerely, and I'll learn to love them.

Lincoln Rice

No, it's just that, I want to buy a house. I've been looking on Zillow. Houses aren't even that expensive in Maryland. And I want to have kids, and I want to get married.

Ilana Wexler

Lincoln, I'm only 27. What am I, a child bride? You know, I don't know that I never want it. I just definitely don't want it right now. I could commit to a kid when I'm like... 43. Lincoln, I just figured out that I want to go back to school and focus on my wizness. I'm on a New York City timeline.

Lincoln Rice

Do you ever think you'd change your mind?

Ilana Wexler

At this point, I can't move on this.