Jimmy McGill quotes from Better Call Saul

Jimmy

I should've left Howard standing there like a yutz. Instead I let him suck me into his game. Why did I do that?

Kim

You had your reasons.

Jimmy

I did? Like what?

Kim

Because... you know.

Jimmy

I know...?

Kim

[holds Jimmy's hand] You know what's coming next.

Jimmy

What's it gonna feel like?

Depends on how used to caffeine you are. I mean, you're not gonna be tripping balls, but... it's gonna feel like two Red Bulls on an empty stomach.

Jimmy

And how long is it gonna last?

Is the guy roughly your size?

Jimmy

Yeah.

An hour or two.

Kim

And if there's a blood test?

This stuff is not showing up on any blood panel they're running in this town. You're gonna do this, this is the way to go. [pulls out digital thermometer; to Jimmy] Here.

Jimmy

Whoa, whoa. Promise me this has been sterilized.

It's brand new, and for you, it goes under the armpit.

Jimmy

[laughing] Okay, sorry.

[sighs] I cannot wait to be done with all of this.

Jimmy

I hear ya. You know, I read somewhere that vets are even more depressed than lawyers.

[chuckles] Depressed? No, no, no. I love being a vet. [points at a bulletin board covered in pet photos] Look over there. See that? That's what it's all about. Animals are my life. It's this other stuff that's getting to be too much. No offense. Anyway, a guy's gotta know when he's bagged his limit.

Jimmy

What, so you're closing up shop?

Yep. Leaving town. Once I sell my little black book, it's gonna be all animals all the time.

Kim

Black book?

Yeah, the keys to the kingdom. You know, you call me up, you're looking for a someone? [taps the book in his pocket] Keep all my "someones" in here.

Jimmy

Can I see it?

[pause; pulls out the black book] Knock yourself out.

Jimmy

[laughs] Oh... Alright, yeah. I think we, uh–We found the Zodiac Killer.

Well, I'm not keeping my contacts in plain English.

Kim

"Best Quality Vacuum"?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. [takes the black book from Jimmy] Alright. Let's give it another ten. I'll be back.

Jimmy

What a waste.

Kim

You think?

Jimmy

[scoffs] Did you see how many people he had in that book? [Kim walks over to the pet bulletin board] I mean, he's raking it in, day in, day out. It's passive income. Minimal risk. I can't believe he's walking away from that.

Kim

Well... he knows what he wants. [walks back to Jimmy] Anything?

Jimmy

Not really.

Kim

[looks closely at Jimmy's face, then chuckles] Oh, my God.

Jimmy

What?

Kim

Uh... [laughs]

Jimmy

Whoa.

Jimmy

Holy shit! The Jackson Mercer Foundation, that's like... the good housekeeping seal of approval.

Kim

Well, it's not a done deal. Some of the foundation board members are flying in next week to meet the lieutenant governor at a luncheon in Santa Fe, so... they are inviting a select group of people with... Cliff called them, "up-and-coming organizations," and uh... Yeah. Cliff thinks I have a good shot.

Jimmy

A good shot? You have more than a shot! They are gonna love you on sight!

Kim

The only thing is the lunch is on D-Day.

Jimmy

So, what? That's–You don't have to be there on the day! Was Eisenhower on Omaha Beach? No. Kim, this is great, right? It's huge!

Kim

...It is pretty great! [laughs]

Jimmy

Kim, this is fantastic! [kisses Kim]

Jimmy

What is the hold up?

Francesca

I just... I don't know if I'm comfortable. Is this even legal?

Jimmy

I'm sorry, which one of us went to law school? Because I can stand here and go through the ins and outs of what's quote-unquote legal with you, but we're on the clock.

Francesca

I just don't–

Jimmy

Francesca, let's get something straight, okay? We can't be holding a graduate seminar in constitutional law every time I give you something to do.

Francesca

But I–I'm not sure if–

Jimmy

You know what I'm paying you? It is above market. To whom much is given, much is expected! [takes out cell phone and starts dialing a number]

Francesca

We're not gonna make a habit of this?

Jimmy

Of course not! Absolutely not. No, no, no. [gives phone to Francesca] Put it on speaker and let me... [moves closer]

Hamlin Hamlin McGill.

Francesca

Hi... there. I'm calling because my—my mother is... is–Well, I guess she's a—m–a client of yours. She lives in, uh, Sandpiper Assisted Living.

Sandpiper, of course. Let me transfer you.

Jimmy

[to Francesca while she's on hold] It's just a phone call.

Good afternoon. Do you have a question about the Sandpiper case?

Francesca

[waits for Jimmy to nod] Yes. My mother's out of the facility in Amarillo. Says she's supposed to call in to some meeting on Thursday?

Yes, you're talking about the mediation?

Francesca

That's it. The thing is, she's lost her dial-in instructions. [sighs nervously] I'm just looking everywhere and can't find them.

I'd be happy to help you with that. It's very important to us that all the class members are fully looked in. What's your mother's name?

Francesca

[tells name mouthed by Jimmy] Uh, Marnie Stuber. [watches Jimmy form the letters as she spells aloud] That's–That's S-T-U-B-E-R. [sighs nervously again when Jimmy forces her to smile] Oh, bless your heart. She'll be so relieved!

Okay, it's very simple. The meeting is happening at our offices. So she just has to call the main line—the same number you called just now—press 7, and then enter the passcode. I can give that to you now. Do you have a pen?

Francesca

Uh... [Jimmy quickly takes out a pen] Y–Yeah, I'm ready.

Okay. It's 8-4-2-1-5-9. [Jimmy writes the numbers on his hand]

Francesca

8-4-2-1-5-9?

That's right.

Francesca

Okay! Uh, thank you so much. Really appreciate it.

Of course, take care.

Jimmy

[hangs up immediately] Was that so hard?

Jimmy

FUCK!

Kim

"Ultimately, it's about equal justice, a system that works for everyone. A justice system that works for everyone, and what is more important than that?" [hears phone ringing and answers it] Hey, Jimmy.

Jimmy

Flag on the play! You're not gonna believe this, but I just ran into Casimiro—the real one.

Kim

Oh, God.

Jimmy

Yeah, and before you ask, he didn't shave his mustache. He broke his arm.

Kim

Are you serious?

Jimmy

The guy has a giant cast on his left arm! And I checked all the pictures and you can see his arm in every single one of them! No cast, clear as day!

Kim

Shit! SHIT!

Jimmy

I KNOW! I KNOW! Uh... But, hey. Hey, look at it this way: If I hadn't seen him... I mean, that would've really–that really could've sunk us. Right? So, we're gonna pull the plug and we are going to live to fight another day.

Kim

...What other day?

Jimmy

Well, we'll figure it out. I promise, okay? So, just go. Just do your thing in Santa Fe, and we'll regroup when you get home tonight. [beat; Kim says nothing] Kim? Kim, you still there?

Kim

Yes.

Jimmy

Did you hear what I said?

Kim

[pause] It happens today.

Lalo

You know, after I saw you last, I went home. My home. Mi cielito lindo... And you know what happened? Men came. Armed men, in the middle of the night. To my home. Trying to get to me. And you know what they did? They killed people I care about. They killed my cook. My gardener. A seventeen-year-old kid I knew since he was knee-high, never hurt a fly. Butchered my housekeeper, Yolanda. Una viejita, cabrón. They shot her in the back.

Jimmy

...I'm sorry.

Lalo

Now, how did these men... get into my home? Do you know?

Jimmy

I... I have–I have no idea.

Lalo

Ignacio Varga. He let them in. And who did Ignacio introduce me to? [taps Jimmy's head] You.

Jimmy

Ignacio... Nacho? [brief pause] Whoa, whoa, whoa! I–I barely know Ignacio! Whatever he did, he did alone! Not with me! Listen, you gotta believe me! Hand to God, I had no part in this—it wasn't me! It was Igna—

Jimmy

[through the gag] Ignacio! It's not me! Listen, listen! I–I don't know about...

Lalo

Save it. [looks Jimmy in the eyes] I'm gonna come back. And then you... are gonna tell me the whole story.

Lalo

Ford Taurus... taupe? [rolls eyes and shakes his head before leaving the apartment]

Jimmy

Lalo said he was coming back.

Mike

He's not coming.

Jimmy

No, he said he was, he told me—

Mike

You understand me? He is not coming back. Let's sit. [pause; Jimmy and Kim remain standing] SIT.

Mike

Alright. Here's what's gonna happen: In a few days, Howard Hamlin's car will be found several states away by the water. The odometer will have rolled to the exact number of miles it took to get there. There will be cocaine in the upholstery. That was the story you were setting up for this guy, yeah? They'll call it a suicide, hoping the body will come washing up. It never will. At some point, you're gonna hear about it. Someone calls you, someone at the courthouse mentions it—the moment that happens—you call the cops. His car was here for hours last night. Good chance somebody noticed it. That means you are the last people to see him alive. Cops are gonna want to hear from you. You tell the cops you saw him—he came here, seemed like maybe he was chemically altered, didn't make a lick of sense. Then he left, that's all you know. You keep telling the lie you've been telling. [to Jimmy] Now, Ms. Wexler tells me she has court at ten. What's on your docket? [Jimmy doesn't answer] Hey. Listen. Where do you need to be?

Jimmy

Uh, office. At my office. Clients start showing up around 9:30. Oh, my car is gone.

Mike

No. It's on the way home, you'll have it when you need it. So you two are going to go about your day—normal, same as ever. Today, you're Meryl Streep and Laurence Olivier. No staring into space, nothing out of the ordinary, you cover. Anybody talks to you, it's just another day that ends in Y, that's all. When you get home, we'll be gone and everything will be back the way it was. Now, I need to impress upon you: none of this ever happened. None of it. Understand? Say it out loud, I need to hear it.

Jimmy

...I understand.

Kim

...It never happened.

Kim

Cliff.

Kim, Jimmy.

Kim, hi.

Jimmy

Hi, Cheryl. I'm Jimmy McGill. You may not remember me. I'm Chuck McGill's brother.

Of course.

Jimmy

Very sorry for your loss. [sighs]

Kim

Cheryl, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. If Jimmy and I can do anything for you or your family, please just say the word.

There is something, actually. You two were the last ones to see him, weren't you?

Kim

Um...

Jimmy

I guess so. Uh, that's what the police said.

Howard told me that you were harassing him, playing elaborate pranks of some sort. That you wouldn't leave him alone.

Jimmy

I know he thought that. He—he—he told me as well. Um, I think he honestly believed it.

But you're denying it.

Jimmy

[pause] You know what, I didn't leave here under the best terms. The past few years, I could have been more considerate to Howard instead of yitzing him every chance I got. I guess, uh, there was a certain amount of jealousy on my part because Howard had the, uh, respect of my brother. Which I never did. [Jimmy steps away]

Tell me what you told the police.

Jimmy

[pause] Okay, um... Well, I mean, it was 11 p.m. Howard started pounding on our door. He was very upset, going on about something, um, he thought was my fault, uh... Guess it had to do with the Sandpiper case. But I—I couldn't make head or tail out of it. We tried to calm him down. But... he just—he just wouldn't, um... Finally, he left. That's—that's it.

I'm not oblivious. I know people are saying he was on drugs. Is that what you're trying to tell me?

Jimmy

I just... He just didn't seem like himself.

[to Cliff] Are you hearing all of this? Because none of it makes sense to me.

Cheryl, maybe we should just—

I don't care what people are saying. I don't care what the police think. Howard was not on drugs. That simply is not true. There's something more to this.

Kim

I don't know if it's my place, but... I—I...

Please. Just spit it out. [sharply inhales]

Kim

[sighs] It was about a year-and-a-half ago. I was still an associate here, working late on a brief. And I saw a light on in Howard's office. I assumed the cleaning crew left it on by mistake. And I was sure that office was empty, so I didn't knock.

...And?

Kim

And Howard was there at his desk, head down. And he was snorting something. [Cheryl scoffs] I looked at him. He looked at me. I didn't know what to do, so I just walked out. And the next morning, when we saw each other, neither of us ever said anything about it. I never told anyone. But now I wish I had.

[long pause; to Cliff] In all the years that you worked with him, have you witnessed anything like this? Even a hint? Cliff...

I... Cheryl, this really isn't the time or the place.

Kim

Cheryl. You were his wife. You saw him every day. You knew him better than anyone. Maybe I misunderstood what I saw. You would have known.

[voice breaking] Please excuse me.

Kim

Kim Wexler.

Jimmy

Hey, Kim Wexler! You know who this is? [beat; Kim is silent] I'm gonna take that as a "yes". Uh, that receptionist of yours, is she the type to listen in?

Kim

No.

Jimmy

Good! Okay! So... How's Florida been treating you? I'm catching you between hurricanes, I hope. [pause] Kim? You there?

Kim

What do you want?

Jimmy

No, I don't... I don't want anything, I just–It's been a while, y'know, I was just... I was thinking, it's been a while? And, uh... It might be nice to catch up.

Kim

"Catch up?"

Jimmy

Yeah, my mind was wandering this morning, just... Not thinking anything in particular, just random thoughts and–Bam, it suddenly occurred to me, it's been six years. I mean, Jesus. I–I couldn't believe it! [beat] I thought you might wanna know I'm still alive. [pause] Yep. I'm still out here! Still getting away with it! Feds couldn't find their own ass with both hands and a proctologist.

Kim

You shouldn't be calling me.

Jimmy

Oh, hey! You're awake!

Kim

You shouldn't be calling.

Jimmy

Why not? What, am I tying up the line from important irrigation business? I mean, come on, Kim, say something. Hey, call me an asshole! Yell at me! Just let me know you still got a pulse. [pause] Just say something!

Kim

You want me to say something?

Jimmy

Yeah.

Kim

You should turn yourself in.

Jimmy

Do what?

Kim

You heard me. I don't know what kind of life you've been living, but it can't be much.

Jimmy

Said the pot to the kettle! What?! That is–that is really rich, you–you preaching to me?! See, you have no idea what I did or didn't do, okay? And why–why don't you turn yourself in? Seeing as how you're the one with the guilty conscience, huh? What is–What is stopping you, huh? Fring's in the ground. Mike's in the ground. Lalo's in the ground, apparently. You don't have to hold back on my account! They can only hang me once, so what?! So go ahead! Spill your guts, put on your hair shirt, see what it gets you! Why are... Kim, why are we even talking about this? We're both too smart to throw our lives away for no reason, just... I just–I only wanted to... Kim–Kim...! Kim–

Kim

I'm glad you're alive. [hangs up the phone]

Jimmy

You know... We're sitting on seven million bucks here. Literally.

Mike

Yeah.

Jimmy

I say we take it. Split, 50-50. Take off.

Mike

It's not ours.

Jimmy

Could be...

Mike

Yeah, well, I know some people who would have a problem with that.

Jimmy

Them? Don't worry about them.

Mike

You feeling right?

Jimmy

...First thing we do? Take six million bucks and build a time machine. Those people that you're worried about? They'll never find us. Where would you go first, huh? You—You look... like a history buff, right? What, would you go to Civil War times, or Ancient Rome?

Mike

Oh, Christ. Hm. Um... December 8, 2001.

Jimmy

Why?

Mike

No. No... March 17, 1984. The day I took my first bribe. And then I'd go forward. There's some people I'd like to check on in five or ten years, make sure they're doing okay. You?

Jimmy

[scoffs] It's easy. May 10, 1965. That's the day Warren Buffet took over at Berkshire Hathaway. I figure, I got a million left, I'm building a time machine, so I take my half and just stick it into Berkshire. And then I come back here, and... I'm a billionaire. Uh... Is there such a thing as a trillionaire?

Mike

That's it? Money?

Jimmy

What else?

Mike

Nothing you'd change?

Jimmy

[beat] I'm rested. [gets up with the money bags]

Chuck

Did you ground yourself?

Jimmy

Yes, I did! Oh, crap!

Chuck

I was starting to worry.

Jimmy

My car conked out on the 40. I almost got creamed by a cement truck! [lays out groceries on the table] Oh, um... They had those apples that you like. I got you half a dozen Fuji. And the newsstand on Central said they might start carrying the Financial Times, so that's good, right?

Jimmy

What?

Chuck

You know I could hire someone to do this. I could get someone from the office...

Jimmy

I'm doing it.

Chuck

Yeah? Every day? While you're trying to start a... practice? Why?

Jimmy

"Why?" 'Cause you're my brother, duh. You'd do the same for me.

Chuck

Hmm. Well, you could stay for a while. We could talk.

Jimmy

Talk? What about?

Chuck

Well, your cases, your clients?

Jimmy

You wanna talk about my clients? Uh, seriously? You wanna talk about the granny who got picked up for soliciting inside a Christian Science Reading Room? Uh, what about the kid who broke into a liquor store and drank five bottles of créme de menthe and passed out behind the counter?

Chuck

They deserve a vigorous defense, like any other client.

Jimmy

...Or maybe you just wanna tell me what I'm doing wrong.

Chuck

That's not what I had in mind!

Chuck

I'm hoping you didn't steal that from the hotel ice machine.

Jimmy

You can hope! I'm gonna take a pass on the heart-to-heart, Chuck. One of my "deserving clients"... He got caught waving the weenie outside a Hobby Lobby.

Chuck

[moves to get his wallet] Well, hold on, you gotta reimburse yourself.

Jimmy

Mmm-mmm, this one's on me.

Chuck

Jimmy, if you don't like where you're heading, there's no shame in going back and changing your path.

Jimmy

Uh, when have you ever changed your path? [shrugs and chuckles when Chuck doesn't respond] Hey. Think on it.

Chuck

We always end up having the same conversation, don't we?

Jimmy

I'll see you tomorrow, Chuck. And I might have the Financial Times!

Kim

Hi, Jimmy.

Jimmy

Hi. How did you...?

Kim

Uh, turns out my New Mexico Bar card doesn't have an expiration date.

Kim

You had them down to seven years. [borrows cigarette from Jimmy]

Jimmy

Yeah, I did.

Kim

[long pause] Eighty-six years.

Jimmy

Eighty-six years. But... with good behavior, who knows?