Jill Sobule: I kissed a girl.
Beavis: Whoa, she said it again! She said she kissed a girl again! Did you hear that?
Butt-head: You have to do a lot more than that if you wanna be a thespian.

Jim Heath: It's a Psychobilly Freakout!
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, it's a Psychobilly Freakout! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
Butt-head: This dude is weird!
Beavis: Yeah. He's like, our kind of people.
Butt-head: Uh, I think I used to see this guy down at Maxi-Mart, like, playing video games all day and like, drinking Slushies.
Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah, I heard he got a million points on Centipede once.
Butt-head: Yeah. He's cool!

Jim: It's a Psychobilly Freakout!
Beavis: It's a Psychobilly Freakout! Yeah, yeah! That's what it is, Butt-head! It's a Psychobilly Freakout! Everybody pull down your pants, [shaking] ah-YEEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Job Counselor: So, which duty do you enjoy most?
Butt-head: Beavis enjoys all his doodies.
Beavis: Yeah.
Job Counselor: Well, which do you enjoy most?
Beavis: Um, well...I guess the ones that take a long time.
Job Counselor: You like to get your hands dirty?
Beavis: Well, yeah, sometimes.
Job Counselor: Something you can really sink your teeth into?
Beavis: Um...no, that's disgusting.

Joey Ramone: But I'm a substitute...
Beavis: Did he say prostitute? I think he said prostitute, Butt-head!
Butt-head: No he didn't, he's talking about, y'know like, substitute teachers?
Beavis: Oh yeah, [a painting of Kojak is shown for a split second] KOJAK! Um, so uh, what was I saying?
Butt-head: Uh, you said something 'bout Kojak.
Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. They should have, like, prostitute teachers.
Butt-head: Yeah, they could get your mom to come in!
Beavis: Oh yeah, she's a slut!

John S. Hall: This one's called "Martin Scorsese".
Butt-head: Uhhhhhhh, "Martin Scores Easy"?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! It's hard for me to score.

Johnny Cash: Kind of evil make me want to grab my submachine.
Beavis: Whoa! This is pretty violent.
Butt-head: Yeah. Enough is enough.
Johnny Cash: First time I shot her...
Butt-head: Whoa! He shouldn't have shot that chick. She's pretty hot.
Beavis: Yeah, really!
Butt-head: I would've taken her off his hands.
Beavis: Yeah, you know what he should have done? He should have fired some warning shots in the air, and that would have scared her away. And then I could score.
Butt-head: I guess if a chick has to choose between dying or like doing it with you, you might actually have a chance of scoring, Beavis.
Beavis: Yeah, I know! That's why I was suggesting it.
David Cassidy, Lyin' To Myself

Judge: You don't want me to appoint you an attorney, a lawyer who can take your case?
Butt-head: I can handle it, dude. I've like, seen The People's Court.
Judge: You'll need someone who knows the laws, who's familiar with the penal system and--
Beavis: [Laughing with Butt-head] She said penal.

Julie Brown: Girl fight tonight!
Beavis: Yeah! Girl fight! Chicks! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Here are some chicks!
Butt-head: Uh...not so fast, Beavis. These aren't chicks. This is like, that beer commercial where those poor dudes come in and it's like, ladies night, and they're dressed up like chicks.
Beavis: Um...no way, really?
Butt-head: Yeah. It's really dumb.
Beavis: No way Butt-head! Um...really?
Butt-head: Yeah.
Beavis: Um...boy, he has pretty nice boobs for a dude.
Butt-head: Um...yeah, I guess so.

Julie Brown: That's right, you slut!
Beavis: Yeah, you slut!
Julie Brown: I'm gonna rip out your hairs one by one!
Beavis: Yeah, bitch!
[Julie tackles a girl into a kiddie pool of a white substance, the duo are in awe]
Butt-head: They should have done this in the beginning of the video!
The Bubblemen, The Bubblemen Are Coming

Katy Perry: You don't have to feel like a waste of space...
Beavis: My guidance counselor said the same thing, you know, I don't have to feel like a waste of space, but when Katy Perry says it, she has fireworks coming out of her boobs, kind of uh, kind of gives me a special feeling, you know what I'm saying?
Butt-head: Yeah, except Katy Perry's not talking about you, Beavis. She's talking about that Dove model by the pool. You are a waste of space.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head.
Butt-head: You're more like that part of the song before where she's talking about the plastic bag floating around, but like, if it floated into a trash can, and then a bunch of stinky homeless dudes peed all over it.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!
Butt-head: You're not a firework.
Beavis: DAMMIT BUTT-HEAD! SHUT UP! [Kicks Butt-head in the testicles] I am a firework!
Butt-head: [in agony] Dammit, Beavis...
Beavis: I'm an M-80.
Tom Petty, It's Good to Be King

Keith Caputo: You've got time, but you ain't got time for me...
Butt-head: Look at him! He's saying his dad doesn't have time for him.
Beavis: Aww! Aww! He ain't got time for me!
Butt-head: He's practically crying.
Beavis: Aww! That's too bad.
Live, I Alone

Kid: Decent! Is it contagous?
Butt-head: No. I disinsfected it. [pours a sports drink onto the wound] Sports drinks have nutrients.

Kim Gordon: 10, 20, 30, 40...
Beavis: How come she's counting? Counting sucks!
Butt-head: Uh, maybe she's counting how many times she's done it.
Beavis: Oh yeah. Counting rules.

Kindergarden Teacher: Butt-head, are you angry?
Butt-head: I'm, like, angry at numbers.
Beavis: There's like, too many of 'em and stuff.