Kirk Windstein: I give my heart and soul to you!
Butt-head: Whoa! He said he gave his heart and soul to some chick.
Beavis: That must have been like...at least 50 pounds of meat.

Kurt Cobain: Hello, hello, hello, hello...
Beavis: Hello? Hello? Hello, may I help you?
Nitzer Ebb, Fun to Be Had

Kurt Loder: This just in, our guest reporters Beavis and Butt-head are on the scene. What's happening down there guys? [dissolve to Beavis and Butt-head stuck behind a crowd]
Butt-head: Uhh, this sucks, Loder, we can't see anything.
Beavis: Wait a minute, you know, that's not true, Butt-head, we can see a lot of butts.
Butt-head: Uhh, oh yeah.
Kurt Loder: Hey, hey, don't just stand there, guys, interview somebody, will you?
Butt-head: Uhh, we could interview their butts. [laughs]
Beavis: Yeah! It'd be like, "Hello butt, what do you think of the parade so far?" and they'd be like [imitates fart noises] "Well, BBBBBRRRRRFFFFFTTTTTT!!!!"
Butt-head: Uhh, shut up, Beavis. That isn't even funny. Uhh, besides, I wanna see, like, naked butts.
Beavis: Yeah yeah, really. You know Loder, the butts were a lot better at that porno place, and it was a lot warmer too.
Butt-head: Yeah, really. Hey Loder, here's a news report for you. I'm freezing my nutsack off.

LaTour: But people are still having sex, and nothing seems to stop them.
Butt-head: Uh... people are still having sex?
Beavis: Yeah, what people? Where?! I want names!
Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis!
Beavis: Well, he said people are still having sex, and it's like, I'm not having sex!
Butt-head: So? If you kept your mouth shut, maybe he'd tell you!
Beavis: Well, okay.

LaTour: Do you understand me?
Beavis: Yeah, I understand you, but where?!
LaTour: Lust keeps on lurking...
Beavis: Dammit, come on! Who? Where?
Butt-head: Beavis, just listen this time! Shut up!
LaTour: This AIDS thing's not working...
Beavis: Um...
LaTour: People are still having sex!
Beavis: Yeah, okay...
LaTour: People are still having sex!
Beavis: Dammit, there he goes again!
Butt-head: Beavis, shut up!

Lead singer: But sex!
Butt-head: Butt sex?

Les Claypool: If I had my druthers, I'd screw a chimpanzee...
Butt-head: Whoa, did you hear that? I think he just said "If I had my druthers, I'd screw a chimpanzee".
Beavis: Really? Hey Butt-head, let's go get some druthers.

Maggie Estep: Hey baby, yo baby, hey baby, yo baby...
Butt-head: This chick doesn't sing very good.
Beavis: Yeah. She should like, um, just talk or something.
Maggie Estep: [Begins talking] So I'm walking down the street, minding my own business...
Beavis: Okay. That's better.
Butt-head: Is she like, telling a joke?
Beavis: Oh yeah, I think it is. Why don't you shut up so we can hear it?
Butt-head: Beavis...

Maggie Estep: I get all tense and nervous...
Beavis: Uh huh.
Maggie Estep: ...but I keep walking...
Beavis: Ah! Uh huh.
Maggie Estep: ...but the guy, he's dogging my every move.
Beavis: Yeah, that'd piss me off too.
Maggie Estep: Hey Miss, he says, don't miss this! [A man grabs his crotch; Beavis and Butt-head laugh]
Butt-head: Now that's a good joke.
Beavis: Yeah, it's like, that chick was talking about all this stuff, and then that guy grabs his wiener! I'm gonna have to tell that one to my Uncle Mike.
Butt-head: Yeah, he'd get it.

Man in video: Michael, are you crazy?
Butt-head: Uh, Michael who?
Beavis: Michael Jackson?
[the conversation in the video continues]

Marilyn Manson: The housewife I will beat...
Beavis: The asswipe I will beat?
Butt-head: He didn't say asswipe, he said housewife.
Beavis: Sounded like asswipe to me, Butt-head.
Butt-head: Uh...who cares?

Mark Sandman: I like to see a little more fat.
Beavis: Yeah, I'd like to see a little more fat too! That's the best part. It's like, whenever I'm eating some meat, I'd just eat all the fat and leave the rest.
Butt-head: Yeah. I like to make a fat sandwich sometimes.
Beavis: Yeah! A little mayonnaise, a little salt...it rules!

Martina Topley-Bird: But a brother like me begun, to be another one...
Butt-head: Uhh, she just called herself a brother.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, I mean, she's calling herself a brother, and she's not a dude, and she's not even black!
Butt-head: Uhh, yeah she is. She's like, you know, one of the Cosby kids.
Beavis: Ohh. So I guess...oh yeah, she is black.

Max: So here's a little gift, a song to him, from me! Merry-merry-merry-merry-merry Christmas Santa Claus!
Butt-head: This dude stutters!
Beavis: Yeah, that's cool!

Max: There's an, old man on a sleigh! Who's like-k-k-k me for just one day!
Beavis: Is it Sting?
Butt-head: No way, Beavis. Sting sucks! This guy's cool!