Barry Berkman quotes from Barry

Fuches

I wanna say... I'm sorry, for whatever it is you think I did to hurt your relationship with Mr. Cousineau.

Barry

Okay.

Fuches

Okay, good! Good. Uh, now in the spirit of that comment, is there something you'd like to say to me?

Barry

No.

Fuches

I'm dying, Barry. I'm in the hostpital. Doctors are being cagey -- not a lot of eye contact. So if there ever was a time you did wanna say something to me, now would be that time.

Barry

Are those goats in the background?

Fuches

I can give you some apology options off the top of my head, Barry -- "I'm sorry I shot at you! I'm sorry I ruined your heroin deal with the Burmese!"

Barry

Alright, I don't have time for this, okay? Me and Mr. Cousineau are fine, please don't call me again. Alright?

Barry

Yeah.

Fuches

The fuck do you mean, you and Cousineau are fine?

Barry

I mean we're fine. We worked our shit out together. Actually, we're working together today.

Fuches

Oh, you're working?

Barry

Yeah! On a show called Laws of Humanity.

Fuches

...That's a great show.

Barry

And I know you told him I killed Janice, but we hashed it out. Like adults. So there's no need to apologize, because your old fuckin' plan didn't work.

Fuches

Ah, you're good, are ya? You're never gonna move past that! You destroyed that guy's life!

Barry

Yeah, well now I'm making it up to him. By acting.

Fuches

How the fuck do you do that?!

Barry

Why do you care?

Fuches

I don't care!

Barry

Well you obviously fuckin' care, you called me!

Fuches

You called me.

Barry

You are fuckin nuts, man! Also, I know you're on a farm or something because I can hear goats in the background.

Fuches

Maybe I'm at the zoo, with my new best friend!

Barry

Thought you said you were at a hospital.

Barry

Sir, my, uh... company knowingly hiked the prices of a drug that would've saved your wife's life. What I did was terrible, and I'm truly sorry.

Cousineau

I want you to stay away from my family! Fuck you and don't talk to me anymore you piece of shit!

Sally

Hey.

Barry

I missed it.

Sally

Yeah, you did.

Barry

Ah, fuck. I'm sorry. You look great.

Sally

Thanks.

Barry

How did it go?

Sally

Honestly? It was... the greatest night of my life.

Barry

That's great! Hey, I'm sorry...

Sally

Barry, we're done.

Barry

What, because I missed the premiere?

Sally

The way you yelled at me the other day, at the office? I-- It sent me to a place I never wanna go again. This relationship isn't good for me.

Barry

Wait, are you serious? I had a bad day! Wha-- I can't have a bad day?!

Sally

I'm gonna stay at Natalie's, so I need you to go to the apartment and pack up your stuff and move out.

Barry

No, no, no, no, hey-- Sally! Sally!

Barry

I'm just gonna freak her out a little bit

Sally

Freak her out how?

Barry

Oh, there's a lot of ways. It's, you know... nothing bad. No, it's just... like, for instance, I could... send her a picture of herself sleeping. You know, just as a way of being like, "Hey, not cool what you did to Sally, you know?"

Sally

...so you'd break into her house?

Barry

Oh, she'd never know I was there. The whole point is to isolate her and make her feel like she's going insane. So, I would just do little things, like replace her dog with a slightly different dog, or, you know, change the furniture in her house so she thinks she's shrinking. You know, basic stuff. Most of it I learned in the military. Some of it on a subreddit. You know? Basically, just plant a seed, and then they just kinda hang themselves, so it's super nonviolent. But by the end of it, like, her brain will have essentially eaten itself, you know? But that's on the table if you want it. Okay?

Barry

What'd you put in the sauce?

Die, you motherfucker.

Berkman!

What're you doin', Berkman?

How much you get for that asshole over there? Huh? How much did they pay you?

How much did you get for Chris? Huh?! How much, Berkman?

HOW MUCH DID THEY GIVE YOU FOR CHRIS?! 'Cause he was an innocent, Barry! You gotta tell me right now, Barry. Why? Why Chris?

He was a sweetheart, he looked up to you! But you had to take him out, right? You need to tell me, Barry! Why Chris?!

Tell me, Barry! Tell me! TELL ME RIGHT NOW!

DON'T JUST FUCKIN' SIT THERE, YOU FUCKIN' TELL ME! YOU NEED TO TELL ME--! ENOUGH!

ENOUGH! SHUT UP!

Barry

No-- Please! Don't-- No! No..!

Look up, Barry. Barry. B- Barry, listen to me, calm down. I got a daughter. Her name is Elsie, she's eight years old. She wouldn't be here if you hadn't saved my life. I know evil, Barry. And you're not evil. But this... has to stop. All of it's gotta stop! ...you hear me? Starting. Now.

Barry

Mr. Cousineau?

Cousineau

Yeah?

Barry

Did you guys trick me? Are you and Jim Moss working together? Are you there? Look, Mr. Cousineau, I-- I want you to know I went there because I was worried about you, and I was protecting you. You know that, right? You know that, right...? Are you mad at me? Mr. Cousineau, are you mad at me? Because I love you.

Cousineau

What did you say?

Barry

I said I love you.

Cousineau

Hey, Barry?

Barry

Yeah?

Cousineau

I got you.

Look, I know they say you did a bad thing, but I'm sure you're not a bad guy! I mean, heck, you were in the marines man! That's pretty special! And you were-- You were also on TV! Laws of Humanity? That's a great show... When I was feeling low, my mom always used to say, "Each of us is more than the worst thing we've ever done." I always liked that. It gave me hope.

Barry

I'm a cop killer. I'm a fuckin' cop killer. If I saw you walking down the street, I'd fucking kill you, I'd kill your fucking kids, I'd kill your fucking wife... and I'd kill your fucking mom.

Barry

I'm sorry.

Sally

Hello. How are you?

Barry

I am really sorry...

Sally

How are you?

Barry

I-- I fucked up. I'm really sorry, Sally.

Sally

How's Muffin?

Barry

...who's Muffin?

Sally

Muffin? Our dog, Muffin, remember? Before you were arrested, Muffin bit me and you said you were gonna find him a new home. Did you?

Barry

I told you what I did to Muffin.

Sally

No, you didn't tell me, that's why I flew all the way here. Where's the dog, Barry?

Barry

Honey, the dog has a new home. The dog's safe. You got nothing to worry about, you're okay... Is that the only thing you came here for?

Sally

Yeah.

Barry

...then why aren't you leaving?

Sally

...I tried to go home and it was just so awful--

Barry

Sally, I didn't-- I didn't lie to you.

Sally

You did!

Barry

I didn't lie to you...

Sally

You did!

Barry

I didn't lie to you, I just-- I didn't tell you the part I didn't want to be true. Sally, I'm a piece of shit. You gave me a life I don't fuckin' deserve. You were so loving to me. And you made me feel... Like a fucking human. And that was just you being you -- just you being Sally. Why aren't you leaving?

Sally

I feel safe with you.

[referring to Cousineau's testimony] He's saying that you killed her. You kidnapped him, and that you threatened his family.

Barry

He told you that?

It took over three hours. But yes, he told me that.

Barry

If he's saying that stuff and he's running his mouth, that's gonna fuck shit up. And if you-- If you publish it--

I mean, I'm gonna publish it. It's really just your chance to say your piece. I'm only trying to be fair here.

Barry

You know what would be fair?! YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE FUCKIN' FAIR?! Is if Gene Cousineau stops telling my life story! That's what would be fucking fair! Tell Gene Cousineau to SHUT HIS FUCKIN' MOUTH!

NoHo Hank

Why are you lying to me, Barry?

Barry

Wh- Why would you say I'm lying? I don't get-- I'm not lying.

NoHo Hank

You're lying to me right now.

Barry

Hank, what are you talking about?

NoHo Hank

Barry, I have been nothing but good friend to you, and... Like, all you do is you take. And you take, and you take.

Barry

Hank. I don't know where this is coming from, man, but I'm coming to you with some really important information, I think you need to... listen to me and take this-- and this is coming from my heart, man, we've been friends for a long time.

NoHo Hank

It's like-- It's like you're only out for yourself.

Barry

That's not true. That is not true. I dunno who you're talking to, I don't know who everybody's talking to, but I have been nothing...

NoHo Hank

Oh, yeah?

Barry

...but good to people. I'm a good friend, I am a good person, that is who I am. Okay? This is me looking out for you. Alright?

NoHo Hank

Then why are you talking to the Feds?

Barry

See, now, why are you lying? See, now, you're lying to me. I wouldn't talk to the Feds. You think I'd do that, motherfucker? You think that's the kinda person I am? That I would talk to the Feds? I'm gonna forget you said that, and you're gonna do what I ask. You're gonna get the dog catcher for me, alright?

NoHo Hank

I'm not doing shit for you, Barry.

Barry

Hank.

NoHo Hank

No.

Barry

Hank--

NoHo Hank

Not anymore.

Barry

Shut up! Hank, do what I say, 'cause if I fucking get out of here, man, you are f--

NoHo Hank

The day you get out of prison is my fucking birthday, man, okay?

Barry

Oh, you're a tough guy now? Oh, you think you're a tough guy? Is that what it is, Hank? You think you're fucking tough? You're not fucking tough, Hank. You don't know what fucking tough is, motherfucker! You fucked up.

NoHo Hank

(overlapping with Barry) Why don't you enjoy hell, you murdering, self-centered, lying, fucking narcissistic piece of shit?

(overlapping with Hank) You're fucking dead. Fuck you! FUCK YOU! YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD! You fucked up, Hank! I'm coming for you when I get out of here, I'm--

Sally

Barry?

Barry

Sally. I know this is crazy, but if I could just stay here--

Sally

Let's go.

Barry

Really?

You were in a war?

Barry

Well, John, I was gonna wait to tell you this... But-- Ooh, let's do this on the swing. Uh... Yeah, I was in war. I was a marine.

A soldier?

Barry

Yeah! Marines are the best soldiers. Some call me 'marine', other people... Well, they call me 'hero', but I don't like putting labels on things. You wanna keep that in your room?

Barry

You know... I found out some, uh, interesting stuff about our buddy, Abe Lincoln. Turns out he had a bunch of Native Americans killed. Executed, yeah. He also proposed that black people that they go back to Africa. Got hundreds of men killed at Shiloh and Antietam [Barry sighs deeply.] News to me... Saint Augustine? The man was addicted to bathhouses, John. Now he's, what, third most googled saint? Something like that? Gandhi? The original hippie, Gandhi? He, uh... Wait, I read it. Gandhi, uh, what'd he do? Oh, yeah. His wife had pneumonia. Doctors said, "You gotta give her penicillin," but he said "no" because of his religious beliefs. But then when he got malaria, he said "give me the drug." Tricky... tricky legacy.

Barry

So, we were on patrol, and we came to this village and two elders were arguing over who killed the other person's donkey, which was a typical occurrence over there. And then, uh, a shot rang out.

Barry

And do you know who was shot?

Who?

Barry

Albert.

Your best friend?

Barry

Yeah. And I heard them shout my name. "Medic! Medic! Get up here!" So, I ran up there, and when I found him, he was all messed up. He looked terrible. And they told me, they said, "Clark, he's a goner." And I said, "Not on my watch." And I patched him up. And I saved his life.

Did you kill the guys who shot him?

Barry

No, no, no. No, my job was to protect our boys. Just like I'm protecting you, John.

I love you so much, Dad.

Barry

Oh... I love you, too. I love you too, buddy.