Barry Berkman quotes from Barry

Barry

I gotta go to a hospital!

Fuches

Is that her?!

Barry

It's a trash can!

Fuches

What do you want me to get?

Barry

Needle and thread! For stitches! Because I'm dying!

Fuches

Barry. Kill her.

Barry

Just take her off your face.

Fuches

I can't.

Barry

Why?

Fuches

'Cause I super-glued my hands to the steering wheel.

An audition?

Barry

Mm-hmm.

You? Have an audition? What, are they reading extras now?

Barry

That is so weird! Sally said the same thing.

What's the part?

Barry

It's a guy named, um, J.T. in a movie called Swim Instructors.

How many of these did you print?

Barry

It's just one. It's four scenes.

Holy moly! J.T. is on every page! That's a lot of lines, Barry.

Barry

Yeah, I think he's one of the leads.

[Gasps] No! You say, "Oh, we're just a bunch of swim instructors." That's the title! They can't cut that!

I'm trying to give you the view from ten thousand feet before we dive in and break it down scene-by-scene. So, Scene One: Loss.

Barry

Mm-hm.

Scene Two: You shit in a pie.

Barry

So, uh... relief?

No, I think It's a little more nuanced than that; I think it's about vengeance.

Barry

Okay.

And then, Scene Three: Whoopsie! You eat the shit pie. Comeuppance. "He who seeks revenge digs two graves", Barry. It's a tale as old as time.

Barry

Hey, Ike, you shitbird! [High-Pitched] You want a little pie? Mr. Cousineau said I should, um, put a little mustard on "pie" there-

Sally

I'm sorry. Can we, um Can we stop?

Barry

Sure.

Sally

For a second. I just I feel like I need to say something, Barry.

Barry

Okay.

Sally

This piece that I'm doing for class. It's exactly what I should be doing.

Barry

Yeah, no, and it's great! What you're doing is-

Sally

I'm terrified, okay? Because my piece is real. It's not a character. It's me. Raw, unapologetic truth with a capital "T. " I mean, all caps, actually. I'm thinking like a writer now. I mean, this was stuff that I couldn't even talk about without lying. And here I am, about to strip naked in front of a bunch of strangers and share something that I am massively ashamed of -- Not literally. I don't believe in nudity unless it drives the story forward. -- I'm afraid that they're gonna judge me, and I'm afraid that Sam's gonna find out and do something crazy. But I have to do this. It's it's my story to tell. But then, I mean, so many other women have the same story. What, am I a spokesperson for them now? Could I be the face of a movement? I mean, what if I get it wrong? I mean, I resent the fact that Nick can get up there and talk about his "stomach condition," and it's not like he has to be the poster boy for bulimia. But I get up there, and whatever I say, it's like, "What are we saying about women?" I mean, this is just my story! "But what if you get it wrong, Sally?" "I don't know." "You can't get it wrong, Sally. But you can't not tell it either, Sally, because it's who you are." Which makes this thing that my agents sent me on today so fucking insulting. Payback Ladies? It's just another shit male idea of what strong women are. Oh, oh, oh, "Grab a gun and some stilettos and get a goddamn blowout. And look how strong you are now, Sally!" It's bullshit! Which, by the way, so is this. It's quite possibly the worst thing I've ever read. But you want to know the worst part? You want to know what's really driving me fucking crazy? I am so jealous that you're reading for this. I have never had a director's session for a feature, which is the same thing as a movie, P. S. And I have been doing this for way longer, and I think you'd agree that I am way better. I made you! And I'm actually represented by Gersh. Well, at least I was. I don't even know if they'd rep me anymore after what I said in there today, but still at least I held my ground, because I am an artist, okay, an artist, and this is not fucking art. But then, I mean, to be honest, of course I'm so happy for you. I mean, of course I want you to get this part, and I want to be the one to help you learn your lines and fix your inflections. But I need you to know that if you do get it, it's gonna make me like like a hundred times more insane. Okay? [Sighs] Continue.

Barry

Hey, Ike, you shitbird! You want a little pie?

Fuches

You know... you could save your little acting teacher. You know that, right?

Barry

I'm gonna fucking kill you, Fuches.

Fuches

All you have to do is turn yourself in. Give it all up for him. Yeah? Not so altruistic now, are you motherfucker? Now who's out of moves? Bye bye!

Okay. You're free to go!

Barry

Can I see Mr. Cousineau?

Oh, no, we think he killed his girlfriend, so he's staying here with us.

Barry

I thought you wanted to watch him suffer.

I know, but, um... he's asked for my forgiveness. Y-- Y'know, he made some valid points! So, uh... I'm forgiving Jeff.

Barry

...you're forgiving Jeff.

I'm sorry I fucked your wife.

He's sorry he fucked my wife! [He laughs.] Y'know, and she's no saint either! Okay? There's a whole history we don't need to get into! I- I... I think I just overreacted.

Barry

There's no forgiving Jeff!

Barry

You look good!

Gene

So do you.

Barry

Downstairs looks like a lot of work.

Gene

It is.

Barry

Must be hard, uh, closing up this place. So, if you're not teaching anymore, are you gonna go back to performing, or...?

Gene

My career is shit, Barry. You know that.

Barry

Well, are you, uh... doing well otherwise?

Gene

Remember that day in the woods? I've been thinking about that a lot. Remember the guy that took me into the woods? What was his name? Like the singer... Goulet. Kenneth Goulet.

Barry

Yeah.

Gene

After he popped the trunk... and I saw what I saw... He whispered into my ear. He said "Barry Berkman did this." I know you killed Janice.

Gene

So, you have two choices: Come with me to the station, turn yourself in. Or fuckin' die.

Gene

Look... I promise you, this is water under the bridge! Whatever you've done, I've forgot it! I've forgiven you! I forgive you!

Barry

Forgiveness has to be earned...

Gene

Then fuckin' earn it!

Barry

[about Cousineau] If you actually felt that way, you do something about it, but you're not doing anything about it, so now I have to do something about it. I came here for your help and you're not giving it to me.

Sally

Are you okay? Because you seem a little manic.

Barry

I'm worried about him.

Sally

So am I. Which is why I tried to get him on my show. We're saying the same thing.

Barry

[slaps his face] WE ARE NOT SAYING THE SAME THING! WE ARE NOT SAYING THE SAME THING! IF I DON'T DO THIS, I DON'T LIVE! I HAVE TO DO THIS TO FUCKING LIVE!

Sally

[starts laughing]

Barry

Don't fucking laugh at me! My whole life! My whole...fucking life!

Sally

Barry.

Barry

I need you to do this for me now! NOW! Do it! DO IT!

Sally

Okay, I see...you're very upset right now...look, I, I, I'm sorry...I tried...and I, I, I can't.

Barry

Shit.

Cousineau

So you're going to hold me hostage until you book me a part? That's not the way it works. We're talking about me here. That could take years. Look what I'm saying to you is that your plan sucks. Look, I swear on Janice's soul I will not say a word to anyone-

Barry

It's either this or I kill you.

Cousineau

You're one of the good guys Barry. You did a horrible thing. But I see your pain. It is the same pain you came to me with, fresh out of the army. A lost soul. No one to tell you your worth. I took you in. Not only did I teach you to be a good actor, I taught you to be a good human being. And this is how you repay me? By killing me?

Barry

I love you, Mr. Cousineau.

Barry

I told that casting director our story and he was so moved...that he gave us both parts. So you're going to enjoy everything that comes with being given a second chance...because if you don't...this one [gestures to Gene's grandson]...and that one [gestures to Leo]...go away. Do you understand?

Barry

[emotionally] I love you, Mr. Cousineau. Do you love me?

Barry

Can you say it?

Gene

[contemptuously] I love you, Barry.

Barry

...can you say it again?

Barry

They let me keep my beard! Yeah, they said some Pharma guys actually have a beard like this.

Barry

Wanna run lines? Yeah, alright. "What I did was terrible, and I'm truly sorry."

Cousineau

"I accept your apology."

Barry

That was great! Ah, man. This trailer is nice! I might go over to the Wheel of Fortune building, take some pictures--

Cousineau

Did she suffer?

Cousineau

But she figured out that it was you she was looking for. And I invited you to my cabin...

Cousineau

Who was that guy that took me into the woods?

Barry

He's nobody. Actually, y'know what? That's not true; I wanna be honest with you because I think we have a good thing going here, um... He's a family friend. He's actually kinda like a--

Cousineau

An uncle? He got you into this line of work? So that monologue... that you gave me when I first met you, that was fuckin' true! And then I said it again at the dinner table... And she knew it was you.

Barry

Hey, we don't need to rehash all this--

Cousineau

If I didn't say anything... She'd be alive today.

Barry

Aw, no, don't put that on yourself, Mr. Cousineau. No, she was good at her job. The whole thing's just really unfortunate, y'know? Look, I believe -- a-and some of this, I got from your teachings -- that... That, that you can be the version of yourself that you wanna be.

Cousineau

I never said that to you.

Barry

What I'm saying is... is that I never would've learned that if it wasn't for you.

Cousineau

So I'm responsible for who you are?

Barry

The positive side, yeah! I mean, meeting you changed my life for the better, you know?

Barry

Look, we've both done terrible things in our lives, but we're helping each other... make up for it! Ya know? I mean, you got a line! [Barry chuckles sardonically.] You're welcome.