Hen Wilson quotes from 9-1-1

Buck

So is your full name Eduardo?

Eddie

No.

Buck

Do people ever call you "Diaz"?

Eddie

Not if they want me to respond.

Buck

Something's gotta give. We got Cap, Hen, Chimney, Buck. We can't just call you Eddie.

Eddie

[to Chimney] Can't tell if he's being serious or not.

Chimney

I always like to operate on the assumption that nothing he says is serious.

Buck

What about "G.I.", like G.I. Joe. "Hey G.I.!" You know, that's a great nickname.

Hen

Sounds like "gastrointestinal".

Eddie

Yeah, I don't think so.

Bobby

If you weren't doing this what would you be doing?

Chimney

Fighter pilot, Top Gun, call sign: Shogun.

Bobby

What about you Hen?

Hen

Editorial cartoonist, The New Yorker. [Chimney and Bobby stare at her] I have a lot to say.

Bobby

You draw?

Hen

No, it's a dream, it's not supposed to attainable. [looks at Chimney] Top Gun? You can barely drive, you rebar head.

Chimney

Alright, Buckeroo, if you were not a member of the LAFD, what would you be doing?

Buck

Uh, I don't know. I'm not getting fired am I?

Chimney

That's inevitable.

Hen

He'd be a golden retriever.

Chimney

Bartender. No, no, a bouncer at a bar.

Hen

Bouncer at a strip club.

Bobby

Listen up, here's how you make it to the end of the day. You don't worry about the things that you can't do anything about. Focus on one task at a time. I can't order you guys to go inside that building and I'm not gonna judge if you decide not to.

Chimney

Hen, you've got a kid.

Hen

Yeah, and I'd hope if someone whose job it was to save him would do it, no matter what.

[sees Hen kneeling over him] Oh hell no. [looks at Bobby] You do it.

Bobby

Sir, I am not a trained paramedic. I can't intubate you, they can.

I'm fine.

Chimney

Sir, you're not fine. Your bowel is probably obstructed. The contents of your colostomy bag are backing into your system. You're about to choke on your own waste. You will suffocate and die.

Get away!

Bobby

Sir, if you refuse care we cannot administer it by force.

[looks at Eddie's name tag] What about him? Diaz. What kind of name is that?

Eddie

My father's from Mexico. My mother's Swedish. I can help you out with the Swedish half but no one told me which half that is.

Bobby

[annoyed] Would you like me to call you another paramedic team so you can have an all-white one?

Hen

He's gonna aspirate.

Chimney

Actual diarrhea of the mouth. Outstanding.

Eddie

It got ugly. After I said I had to work on Christmas, he went straight to his room and wouldn't speak to me for the rest of the night.

Hen

Mm. It's just new. He'll get over it.

Eddie

Abuela's bringing him to my aunt's. I know he's gonna have a great time. He just–– Last Christmas was...special. This one's harder.

Hen

Uh-huh. Is that why you invited us all here? Trying to cram in as much Christmas cheer between now and then?

Eddie

Well, thought it'd be nice to bring the boys together for a play date.

Hen

All three of 'em.

9-1-1, what's your emergency?

I'm blue!

Feelings of sadness and depression are common during the holidays. Let me direct you to the mental health hotline.

No, damn it! I'm literally blue!

Bobby

LAFD. Open up, Please.

This is not okay. Ouch. Jeez.

Bobby

Okay, ma'am, ma'am, please take a seat and tell us what's going on.

What's going on? Look at me. I'm a Smurf, and I need a root canal.

Hen

Pulse is steady. Pupils are normal. How long has this been going on?

The teeth since last week. The "Avatar" look since I woke up. And on top of that, I have to go to work today. On Christmas! I mean, what kind of loser has to work on Christmas? [looks at the 118] Right. Sorry.

Bobby

Ma'am, do you mind if my guys here take a look around? [nods at Buck and Eddie]

Oh, that's fine. You very handsome men, please go look through my messy apartment. Because this wasn't humiliating enough already.