[One day, Mr. Hacker is taking some paperwork out of his red box and Sir Humphrey has come to see him]
I am still not happy with this report, Humphrey.
Then, Minister, we shall be happy to redraft it for you.
You've redrafted it three times already.
That's not absolutely correct, Minister.
Yes, it is, Bernard, I can count. This is the third draft report.
It's quite so, Minister, therefore it's been drafted once and subsequently redrafted twice.
Don't quibble, Bernard.
But we shall be happy to redraft it a third time.
And a fourth and a fifth and a sixth, no doubt. And it still won't say what I want it to say, it'll say what you want it to say, and I want it to say what I want it to say.
What do you want it to say, Minister?
We want it to say what you want it to say.
I'm sure the parliament doesn't want you to say anything you don't want to say.
Stop wittering, Bernard! Six weeks ago, the Think Tank asked us for our evidence on Civil Service overmanning. Three times, I have briefed a group of civil servants in words of one syllable and each time, they've sent back a totally unintelligible report, saying the exact opposite of what I asked them to say.
With respect, Minister, how do you know it says the opposite if it's totally unintelligible?
All I am saying is that the Civil Service is grossly overmanned and must be slimmed down.
Quite so. That is what the report says.
No, it doesn't.
Yes, it does, Minister.
It - it does... Look, what I'm talking about is a phased reduction in the Civil Service of about 200,000 people. Are you going to put that in this report or not?
Well, Minister, perhaps if you were to take that draft home with you this weekend and study it, you might find that it does, in fact, say what you want it to say.
And if it doesn't?
Then I can only suggest that we redraft it.
Humphrey? Humphrey, sit down. (Humphrey sits in the chair opposite Hacker) Will you give me a straight answer to a straight question?
Oh, well, Minister, as long as you are not asking me to resort to crude generalisations and vulgar oversimplifications, such as a simple yes or no. I shall do my utmost to oblige.
Is that "yes"?
(Takes a deep breath) Yes.
Right. Well, here's the straight question.
Oh, I thought that was it.
When you give your evidence to the Think Tank, are you going to support my view that the Civil Service is overmanned and feather-bedded, or not? Yes or no? Straight answer.
Well, Minister, if you ask me for a straight answer, then I shall say that, as far as we can see, looking at it by and large, taking one time with another in terms of the average of departments, then in the final analysis it is probably true to say, that at the end of the day, in general terms, you would probably find that, not to put too fine a point on it, there probably wasn't very much in it one way or the other. As far as one can see, at this stage.
Is that "yes" or "no"?
Yes and no.
Suppose you weren't asked for a straight answer?
Well then I should play for time, Minister.
More from this episode
All quotes from this episode →More Yes, Minister quotes · These quotes come from Wikiquote's Yes, Minister pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.