Sir Humphrey Appleby quotes from Yes, Minister

Hacker

Humphrey, do you see it as part of your job to help ministers make fools of themselves?

Sir Humphrey

Well, I never met one that needed any help.

Sir Humphrey

Minister, I have something to say to you which you may not like to hear.

Why should today be any different?

Sir Humphrey

Minister, the traditional allocation of executive responsibilities has always been so determined as to liberate the ministerial incumbent from the administrative minutiae by devolving the managerial functions to those whose experience and qualifications have better formed them for the performance of such humble offices, thereby releasing their political overlords for the more onerous duties and profound deliberations which are the inevitable concomitant of their exalted position.

I wonder what made you think I didn't want to hear that?

[...] there are four words to be included in a proposal if you want it thrown out.

Sir Humphrey

Complicated. Lengthy. Expensive. Controversial. And if you want to be really sure that the Minister doesn't accept it, you must say the decision is "courageous".

Bernard

And that's worse than "controversial"?

Sir Humphrey

Oh, yes! "Controversial" only means "this will lose you votes". "Courageous" means "this will lose you the election"!

Sir Humphrey

You know the rules, Bernard - if it is not marked "Private and Confidential" we are obliged to open it.

Bernard

What if it's marked "Daddy"?

Sir Humphrey

The Minister's daughter is to be...that is to say, she will not be...

Hacker

Come on Humphrey, make a clean breast of it!

Sir Humphrey

An unfortunate turn of phrase, Minister.

Hacker

Humphrey, was there one word of truth in that whole story that you told Lucy?

Sir Humphrey

Minister, do you really want me to answer that question?

Hacker

[thinks uneasily] No, I don't think I do.

Sir Humphrey

[smiles] Quite so. Perhaps there are some things it is better for a Minister not to know?

Sir Humphrey

Bernard, Ministers should never know more than they need to know. Then they can't tell anyone. Like secret agents; they could be captured and tortured.

Bernard

[shocked] You mean by terrorists?

Sir Humphrey

[seriously] By the BBC, Bernard.

Hacker

The National Health Service, Humphrey, is an advanced case of galloping bureaucracy!

Sir Humphrey

Oh, certainly not galloping. A gentle canter at the most.

What about the Minister?

Sir Humphrey

The Minister doesn't know his Acas from his NALGO.

Hacker

[a bit drunk] A judge?! You don't want to make a judge a doctor of laws! Politicians are the ones who make the laws, and pass the laws! If it wasn't for politicians, judges wouldn't be able to do any judging! They wouldn't have any laws to judge! They'd all be out of work! There'd be queues of unemployed judges! In silly wigs!

Sir Humphrey

[tries to interrupt] I think what the Minister is trying to say is...

Hacker

Besides, it's easy for judges. Judges don't have to lie to television producers, don't have to suck up to journalists, don't have to pretend they like their Cabinet colleagues. Do you know something? Well I'll tell you: if judges had to put up with some of my Cabinet colleagues, they'd bring capital punishment back tomorrow! Bloody good thing, too!

Sir Humphrey

[tries to interrupt] Well, exactly, Minister...

Hacker

And I'll tell you another thing: I can't send him [points at Sir Humphrey] to prison. Can't send him to prison! Now, if I were a judge, I could whiz old Humpy off to The Scrubs, no trouble. Feet wouldn't touch. Clang, bang, see you in three years' time! One-third remission for good conduct. But I can't do that! I have to listen to him! Oh, God! On and on and on! Do you know, some of his sentences are longer than Judge Jeffreys'! No, you don't want to make a judge a doctor of laws.

Beautifully argued, Minister.

Hacker

What does "egregious" mean?

Sir Humphrey

Um, I think it means outstanding... In one way or another.

Hacker

The freedom of the British people is worth more than the lives of a few Ministers. Freedom is indivisible. Ministers are expendable. A man in public life must expect to be the target of cranks and fanatics. [Sliding into a Churchill impersonation.] It is a Minister's duty to set his life at naught. He must be able to stand up and say, here I am, do your worst! And not cower in craven terror behind electronic equipment, secret microphones, and all the hideous apparatus of the police state. [He snaps back to his normal self.] Anyway, Humphrey, I don't want to hear any more about it.

Sir Humphrey

But Minister, you must allow me to say just one more thing on this matter.

Hacker

Very well, just one, but be brief.

Sir Humphrey

The Special Branch have found your name on a death list.

Hacker

That has absolutely no bearing on the situation... What?!

Hacker

How do they know?

Sir Humphrey

Surveillance. They overheard a conversation.

Hacker

What did it say?

Sir Humphrey

Oh I don't think it's of any particular—

Hacker

[Interrupting] Come on, Humphrey! I have a right to know!

Sir Humphrey

Well, it was a conversation to the effect that in view of the somewhat nebulous and inexplicit nature of your remit, and the arguably marginal and peripheral nature of your influence within the central deliberations and decisions within the political process, there could be a case for restructuring their action priorities in such a way as to eliminate your liquidation from their immediate agenda.

Hacker

They said that?

Sir Humphrey

That was the gist of it.

Hacker

What does it mean? In English?!

Sir Humphrey

Well, it means that they don't think you're really important enough for it to be worth assassinating you.

What does "inert" mean?

Sir Humphrey

Well it means it's not… ert.

Bernard

[to himself] Wouldn't ert a fly.

Sir Humphrey

Minister, a minister can do what he likes!

Hacker

It's the people's will. I am their leader; I must follow them.