Xavier quotes from Xavier: Renegade Angel

I'm looking for Puggler.

I think he took off, man, to go to Burning Person or something.

We're at Burning Person.

I went to Burning Person this year?

Son, it was you who killed me.

What kind of stupid name is "Yoohoo"? Well, when I find that demon, I shall slay him -- to death! (calling out) Yoohoo! Yoohoo!

No, no, no, no. No, not Yoohoo. It was you, damn it! You, Xavier! You killed your own father!

Now we march. (Marches on a table.) No justice, no chants! No justice, no chant-- why aren't you chanting?!

We prefer the sacred silence.

Oh, break them down with the silent treatment, eh? So devilish, it's clevelish. I can hear it working on you already. (Yells progressively louder into the Monk's ears) You hear that silence?! Can you take it?! The crushing blow of that fiery silence as it explodes in your ear with silence!!! Vroom! Rrrr! Vroom! (Pretends to ride a bike around)

Someone wants me dead?

Hell, you may not live to hear the end of this sen... tense, isn't it?

[interrogating Pavlov] I'm heading up this case. What do you know about chicken-choking? Where were you on the night in question? You seem awfully nervous for a guy who's totally freaked out right now. Do the words... mean anything to you? Are you that slippery throat-boner I'm itchin' to snatch?

Oh! Who's the new guy?

Without me, he'd be dead! Imagine a crab without its shell! Imagine a man without his skin.

Okay! I want to keep my skin! I pay, I pay!

This monkey on my back has got a twisted mind, but I like it! That's the twist.

You're the backup I asked for, right? What are you, CIA? FBI?

I'm investigating for a higher power.

I don't know how much you've been briefed, but I've been on the inside, tracking Don Ho for twelve years. I'm this close to his big secret. Obviously I've made some bad decisions on my first day and I've just had to stick with 'em. I was a hotshot kid just out of the academy and they didn't give us enough on character development, so I was just freeballin' it! I started the singing henchman thing out of nervousness, and the candy thing just happened. I see you've made some bad choices, too; you've got the fur and the fake snake hand--

Wait, you're not a cop!

Welp, I think I taught you every word and stretch there is. Say cheese.

[grunts three times, so as to say "Cheese"]

So, what do you wanna do now?

[grunts five times]

Why would you want to commit suicide?!

I know you crave release from your misery, but you've just doubled your depression.

You just squadrupled your squagmire!

(monologue) Before long, she was turning tricks in a brothel for a pimp name of "Per Se."

You her pimp?

I'm not a pimp, per se. But I could get you some per-se if you give me that fly-ass coat.

And what do you call these wind monkeys?

Wiggaboo Wiggers. Why, I caught this wigger staring saucy at my mistress.

You've totally broken wind. Environ-yentalists have finally got the final solution.

[points revolver at sheep] Do you believe in God?

Yes.

[shoots sheep in the head, points revolver at bird] Do you believe in God?

Yes.

[shoots bird in the head, points revolver at Xavier] Do you believe in God?

That's a complicated question. It depends on what you mean by 'God'. You see, I--

[shoves gun into Xavier's face] Yes or no?

[pushes gun away] It helps no one to be reductive. I believe that, that we are here implies to some degree that there are forces larger than us. Now, we can get into the semanticalities--

[becoming agitated] Yes or no?!

The very notion of belief itself can be be rhetorically whittled to the bare nub of its meaning. I'd like to talk to you a lot more about this, would you be interested in reading some of my literature?

No!

It’s always the last door holds thy deepest reward.

I don't want to play with dollies, Mommy. I want to ramble the world to help folks.

What's wrong, little girl?

I can't go to Heaven, 'cause I'm gay.

I'll smuggle you to Heaven, via the Under-brown Male-road.

Once I shove you through this Trojan Arse, you'll be the first gay homo in Heaven.

The Blackie Robinson Uncle Tom, crusoe-mo!

Intruder alert! There has been a breach in the system! Heaven will self destruct in 10 seconds if the intruder does not reveal themselves: 10... 9...

Okay. It's me!

You have sacrificed yourself for the good of the whole. You are now the new messiah. What will be your first act as messiah?!

My first act is...

To drop the act! Now give me some white women for the first black man in Heaven!

Try opening all the doors at once.

(holds ropes tied to the doors) Yes, overload the system! (twists and opens every door at once)

We–

are–

all–

just–

play–

ers–

in–

the–

game–

of–

life!

(After being put on the spot for a new business idea by Peterson) I know I was moving my hot dog in and out of Peterson's wife's buns last night.

My wife is dead.

I never said it was consensual. Don't worry, I used condiments. She enjoyed it with relish! Her mouth passed mustard! I could hardly ketchup to her va-gi-na!

[Writing] Wow... look at him... go.

Does your paper have a missed connection section? Take this down! You: Sandy, 5ft blonde, pretty drunk, we made passing eye contact whilst you were giving birth to me. Me: single white male, thick and huge, I tore you up that night, cocoa?

[lapping his own blood] If I could do it all over again, I would do exactly the same thing.

Eat that ketchup nice and good.