Albert Rosenfield quotes from Twin Peaks

Albert Rosenfield

... and he worked with Leo Johnson, currently appearing at Calhoun Memorial Hospital as Mr. Potato Head.

Albert Rosenfield

[caught in a rainstorm] Fuck Gene Kelly, motherfucker!

Albert Rosenfield

I know, I know. "Fuck you, Albert."

Sheriff Truman

I hear that you're real good at what you do.

Albert Rosenfield

That's correct.

Sheriff Truman

Well, that's good. Because normally if a stranger walked into my station talking this kind of crap, he'd be looking for his teeth two blocks up on Queer Street.

You're the most cold-blooded man I've ever seen! I've never in my life met a man with so little regard for human frailty. Have you no compassion?!

Albert Rosenfield

Oh, I've got compassion running out of my nose, pal! I'm the Sultan of Sentiment! Dr. Hayward, I have travelled thousands of miles and apparently several centuries to this forgotten sinkhole in order to perform a series of tests. Now, I do not ask you to understand these tests. I'm not a cruel man. I just ask you to get the hell outta my way, so I that can finish my work! Is that clear?!

Albert Rosenfield

Oh yeah, well I've had about enough of morons and half wits, dolts, dunces, dullards and dumbbells ... and you, you chowder-head yokel, you blithering hayseed -- you've had enough of me?

Sheriff Truman

Yes I have. [Punches Albert in face]

Albert Rosenfield

The old rustic sucker-punch, huh? [calling after Truman] A hail of bullets would be nice!

That's enough! The sheriff didn't mean anything.

Albert Rosenfield

He hit me!

Well, I'm sure he meant to do that.

Mr. Horne, I realize that your position in this fair community pretty well guarantees venality, insincerity, and a rather irritating method of expressing yourself. Stupidity, however, is not necessarily a inherent trait, therefore, please listen closely. You can have a funeral any old time. You dig a hole, you plant a coffin. I, however, cannot perform these tests next year, next month, next week or tomorrow - I must perform them now. I've got a lot of cutting and pasting to do, gentlemen, so why don't you please return to your porch rockers and resume whittling.

Sheriff Truman

I've had just about enough of you and your insults!

Albert Rosenfield

Oh yeah, well I've had about enough of morons and half wits, dolts, dunces, dullards and dumbbells ... and you, you chowder-head yokel, you blithering hayseed — you've had enough of me?

Sheriff Truman

Yes I have. [Punches Albert in face]

Albert Rosenfield

The old rustic sucker-punch, huh? [calling after Truman] A hail of bullets would be nice!

That's enough! The sheriff didn't mean anything.

Albert Rosenfield

He hit me!

Well, I'm sure he meant to do that.

Albert, where does this attitude of general unpleasantness come from?

Albert Rosenfield

I’ll get back to you on that.

Who shot me, Albert?

Albert Rosenfield

My men are interrogating the hotel guests, the usual bumper crop of rural know-nothings and drunken fly-fishermen. Nothing so far. Oh, the world's most decrepit room service waiter remembers nothing out of the ordinary about the night in question, no surprise there. Señor Droolcup has, shall we say, a mind that wanders?

Ronette Pulaski has woken from her coma.

Albert Rosenfield

And?

I'm thinking she's gonna have quite a story to tell when she regains the ability to speak.

Albert Rosenfield

So she's not talking?

Waking but silent. Probably shock. I'm going to show her the sketches of Leo Johnson and Bob, the man Sarah Palmer saw in her vision. The man who came to me in my dream.

Albert Rosenfield

Has anyone seen Bob on Earth in the last few weeks?

Buddhist tradition first came to the land of snow in the fifth century AD. The first Tibetan king to be touched by the Dharma was King Hathatha Rignamputsan. He and succeeding kings were collectively known as the Happy Generations. Now some historians place them in the Water Snake Year, 213 AD. Others in the year of the water ox, 173 AD. Amazing isn't it? The Happy Generations.

Albert Rosenfield

Agent Cooper, I am thrilled to pieces that the Dharma came to King Ho-Ho-Ho, I really am, but right now I'm trying hard to focus on the more immediate problems of our own century right here in Twin Peaks.

Albert, you'd be surprised at the connection between the two.

Albert Rosenfield

[deadpan] Color me amazed.

Albert Rosenfield

I, uh, performed the autopsy on Jacques Renault. Stomach contents revealed... let's see, beer cans, a Maryland license plate, half a bicycle tire, a goat... and a small wooden puppet. Goes by the name of Pinocchio.

You're making a joke!

Albert Rosenfield

I like to think of myself as one of the happy generations.

Sheriff Truman

So, what did this giant sound like, huh? I mean, did he have a big, booming voice or what?

No, no! He spoke softly, distinctly.

Albert Rosenfield

And you gave him the beans you were supposed to use to buy a cow.

No, Albert! I gave him my ring.

Albert Rosenfield

Okay. Uh, confining my conclusions to the planet Earth...

Sheriff Truman

Anything we should be working on?

Albert Rosenfield

Yeah. You might practice walking without dragging your knuckles on the floor. Heh heh heh.

Sheriff Truman

Albert! Let's talk about knuckles. The last time I knocked you down, I felt bad about it, the next time's gonna be a real pleasure.

Albert Rosenfield

You listen to me. While I will admit to a certain cynicism, the fact is that I am a naysayer and hatchet-man in the fight against violence. I pride myself in taking a punch and I'll gladly take another because I choose to live my life in the company of Gandhi and King. My concerns are global. I reject absolutely: revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method... is love. I love you Sheriff Truman.

Albert's path is a strange and difficult one.

Albert Rosenfield

Oh, Coop, uh, about the uniform...

Yes, Albert?

Albert Rosenfield

Replacing the quiet elegance of the dark suit and tie with the casual indifference of these muted earth tones is a form of fashion suicide, but, uh, call me crazy -- on you it works.