[Scully and Morris (as Mulder) pull up in their car next to Mulder (as Morris). Scully gets out to stand next to Mulder; Morris stays in the car.]
MMulder (as Morris)
You don't look too happy. Don't tell me I'm going to have to put two kids through school.
(hesitantly) That is you in there, Mulder, isn't it? (Mulder nods; Scully folds her arms, hugging herself) I, uh... I just got off the phone with Frohike. They were able to download and analyze the crash data and, yes, there was an anomalous event that night.
MMulder (as Morris)
And how do I get back?
(not easy for her to say) Well, that's just it. It's all about random moments in time... About a series of variables approaching an event horizon. And even if we... could recreate that moment if we could sabotage another craft... Mulder, if we were... If we were off... If the event were off by even one millisecond...
MMulder (as Morris)
I might wind up with my head in a rock.
Something like that, yeah. (long pause)
MMulder (as Morris)
(depressed) What about him? I mean, me. Whatever. Whoever he is.
Agent Mulder has become AD Kersh's new golden boy. He's been tasked with returning the flight data recorder that he and I stole. The son of a bitch confesses to Kersh even more than I do to my priest. I'm just tagging along for the ride.
MMulder (as Morris)
What do you mean, "just tagging along?"
I'm out of the Bureau. I've been censured and relieved of my position.
MMulder (as Morris)
No. You can explain it to them like you explained it to me. You have the data. You can make them understand. You can get your job back.
(can't help but smile; looks up at him fondly) I'd kiss you if you weren't so damn ugly. (Mulder smiles back)
MMorris (as Mulder)
(honking the horn; yelling out the window) Take a picture - it'll last longer!
[Mulder and Scully pause and look at the car.]
MMulder (as Morris)
(through clenched teeth) If I... shoot him, is that murder or suicide?
Neither, if I do it first. (Squeezes his arm, then walks toward the car. He stops her.)
MMulder (as Morris)
Hey, Scully...
[He holds out his closed hand to her; she holds out her palm. He drops a handful of sunflower seeds into her hand; takes one back and eats it. They look at each other. Mulder watches, depressed, as Scully drives away.]
(on phone; in her office) Mulder, it's me. I just wanted to let you know that we slipped under Kersh's radar. Our little field trip to Nevada went unnoticed.
Mulder, I'm sorry that your confidential source didn't pan out.
Well, I guess you were right, Scully. Just another crackpot who watches too much Star Trek.
Hey, Scully? I, uh, know it's not your normal life, but... Thanks for coming out there with me.
(surprised, pleased) You're welcome.
Let's hear it. Give me the details.
Look, if you've got Christmas stuff to do I don't want to... you know...
Mulder, I drove all the way out here. I might as well know why. Right?
I just thought you'd be more... curious.
Then who are we staking out?
I see. (dryly) The dark, gothic manor... the, uh, omnipresent low fog hugging the thicket of overgrowth... Wait- is that a hound I hear baying out on the moors?
No. Actually that was a left cheek sneak.
(mysteriously) Christmas, 1917. It was a time of dark, dark despair. American soldiers were dying at an ungodly rate in a war-torn Europe while at home, a deadly strain of the flu virus attacked young and old alike. Tragedy was a visitor on every doorstep while a creeping hopelessness set in with every man, woman and child. It was a time of dark, dark despair.
(unimpressed) You said that.
But here at 1501 Larkspur Lane for a pair of star-crossed lovers tragedy came not from war or pestilence - not by the boot heel or the bombardier - but by their own innocent hand.
His name was Maurice. He was a... a brooding but heroic young man beloved of Lyda, a sublime beauty with a light that seemed to follow her wherever she went. They were likened to two angels descended from heaven whom the gods could not protect from the horrors being visited upon this cold, grey earth.
And what happened to them?
Driven by a tragic fear of separation they forged a lovers' pact so that they might spend eternity together and not spend one precious Christmas apart.
And their ghosts haunt this house every Christmas Eve. (Scully laughs) I just gave myself chills.
It's a good story, Mulder, and very well told, but I don't believe it.
[Mulder and Scully are searching a haunted house]
These are tricks that the mind plays. They are ingrained cliches from a thousand different horror films. When we hear a sound, we get a chill. We-we see a shadow and we allow ourselves to imagine something that an otherwise rational person would discount out of hand. The whole... the whole idea of a benevolent entity fits perfectly with what I'm saying. That a spirit would materialize or return for no other purpose than to show itself is silly and ridiculous. I mean, what it really shows is how silly and ridiculous we have become in believing such things. I mean, that... that we can ignore all natural laws about the corporeal body... that-that we witness these spirits clad in-in their own shabby outfits with the same old haircuts and hairstyles never aging, never... never in search of more comfortable surroundings-- it actually ends up saying more about the living than it does about the dead.
I mean, Mulder, it doesn't take an advanced degree in psychology to understand the... the unconscious yearnings that these imaginings satisfy. You know, the-the longing for immortality the hope that there is something beyond this mortal coil... that-that we might never be long without our loved ones. I mean, these are powerful, powerful desires. I mean, they're the very essence of what make us human. The very essence of Christmas, actually.
[A door slightly opens by itself]
Tell me you're not afraid.
All right. I'm afraid... but it's an irrational fear.
MMaurice
You drink? Take drugs?
MMaurice
Are you overcome by the impulse to make everyone believe you? (Mulder looks surprised) I'm in the field of mental health. I specialize in disorders and manias related to pathological behavior as it pertains to the paranormal.
Wow. I didn't know such a thing existed.
MMaurice
My specialty is in what I call soul prospectors - a crossaxial classification I've codified by extensive interaction with visitors like yourself. I've found you all tend to fall into pretty much the same category.
And what category is that?
MMaurice
Narcissistic, overzealous, self-righteous egomaniac.
MMaurice
You kindly think of yourself as single-minded but you're prone to obsessive compulsiveness, workaholism, antisocialism... Fertile fields for the descent into total wacko breakdown.
I don't think that pegs me exactly.
MMaurice
Oh, really? Waving a gun around my house? Huh? Raving like a lunatic about some imaginary brick wall? (Mulder looks over at the brick wall in the doorway) You've probably convinced yourself you've seen aliens. You know why you think you see the things you do?
(like it's obvious) Because I have seen them?
MMaurice
'Cause you're a lonely man. A lonely man chasing paramasturbatory illusions that you believe will give your life meaning and significance and which your pathetic social maladjustment makes impossible for you to find elsewhere. You probably consider yourself passionate, serious, misunderstood. Am I right?
MMaurice
Most people would rather stick their fingers in a wall socket than spend a minute with you.
All right, now just, uh... Just back off for a second.
MMaurice
Spend every Christmas this way? Alone?
(confident) I'm not alone.
MMaurice
More self-delusion.
No, I came here with my partner. She's somewhere in the house.
MMaurice
Behind a brick wall? (Mulder smiles and nods) How'd you get her to come with you? Steal her car keys? (Mulder's smile fades) You know why you do it - listen endlessly to her droning rationalizations. 'Cause you're afraid. Afraid of the loneliness. Am I right?
I'd just like to find my partner.
I think maybe the ghosts have been playing tricks on you.
I don't believe in ghosts.
Then what are you doing here?
Oh, you poor child. You must have an awful small life. Spending your Christmas Eve with him... Running around chasing things you don't even believe in.
(coming closer) I can see it in your face... The fear... The conflicted yearnings... A subconscious desire to find fulfillment through another. Intimacy through co-dependency.
Maybe you repress the truth about why you're really here pretending it's out of duty or loyalty-- unable to admit your dirty little secret. Your only joy in life is proving him wrong.
I hope you're not expecting any great advantages to all this.
I'm assuming you came here with similar misconceptions.
We came here looking for you.
Oh, yeah? You didn't come here to be together for eternity?
Because you're filled with despair and woeful Christmas melancholy?
(sighing) Maybe it was your partner then.
(folding his arms) What about her?
You knew this house was haunted.
Maybe you two should have discussed your real feelings before you came out here. I'm speaking from experience.
[Mulder is still dressed, watching TV through the night; there's a knock at the door; he opens it to show Scully, also still dressed.]
I, uh... I couldn't sleep. I was, um... (sighs)
(puts his arm around her shoulders and pulls her in to the apartment) Come in. Aren't you supposed to be opening Christmas gifts with your family?
Mulder... None of that really happened out there tonight... That was all in our heads, right?
(unsure) I-it must have been.
Mmm. Not that, uh, my only joy in life is proving you wrong.
When have you proved me wrong?
Well... Why else would you want me out there with you?
You didn't want to be there?
[She doesn't respond; they both look thoughtful for a moment.]
(self-analyzing) Oh, that's, um... That's self-righteous and... narcissistic of me to say, isn't it?
No, I mean... Maybe I did want to be out there with you.
(they look at each other for a moment) Now, um... I know we said that we weren't going to exchange gifts but, uh... I got you a little something. (holds out a present to her - the only wrapped gift shown in the apartment the whole episode)
Well, I got you a little something, too.
[She hands him his gift, and he chuckles and shakes it. She grins and they run over to the couch to open their presents happily.]
(on phone) Mulder, we are supposed to be doing background checks, not chasing X-Files.
(on phone) Scully, Spender just round filed this case - it's unconscionable.
And what do you call rooting through his trash?
Like that's any different from the assignment we're stuck with.
"We," Mulder? I'm stuck with it. You're not here.
[Wayne comes out of the house to see Mulder encouraging the three boys to play with his car.]
WWayne
(annoyed) I want those kids out of my car.
(cheerfully) Okay, speed racers. That's enough driver's education for today.
