Damon Salvatore quotes from The Vampire Diaries

What's a seven-letter word for kill me now?

Damon

That joke got old six weeks ago.

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You ready to start over?

Damon

Hell yeah.

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Damon

Think you can find our ticket out of here, Bon-Bon?

Hell. Yeah.

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You get your daylight ring back when you decide to behave. Now, answer my question: Why did you come back here?

Damon

Because I missed my brother! I want to have a connection to my humanity, Stefan. I wanted to feel something again. And when I decided to come back home, it all came rushing back, just like I hoped it would.

Oh, congrats. Now what?

Damon

Come on, man. Let's just hit the road, you and me, huh? I'll let you drive my car, I'll get you off this vegan diet, teach you how to feed again. It'll be great, Stef. Huh? What do you say? Come on! Trust me.

Stefan Yeah, I can imagine a road trip with you. I can imagine you feeding on innocent people and, uh, leaving a trail of bodies behind. I can image you making me drink human blood, and laughing at me while I suffer.

Damon

Way to be an optimist, Stefan.

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Just looking at the facts, Damon. 1912, you convinced me to drink human blood again, which is why I became a Ripper. In 1942, you almost pushed me off the rails again because you were so damn needy. 1977, you left my best friend to die after I sent her to come help you. And now, I'm finally happy. I have a new life, I'm doing well, and, uh, you just can't handle that, can you, Damon?

Damon

I'm not trying to screw up your dumb new life.

You don't have to try, Damon. All you have to do is exist. Because no matter what I do or where I go, you will be with me forever, trying to destroy every single thing that I've built. I don't know why I thought this time would be any different. I wanted it to be different. You just keep failing.

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I'm never gonna be rid of you, am I?

Damon

No, you're not. 'Cause in 1912, I showed you who you were, Stefan. In 1942, I gave you your freedom, and in 1977 I almost killed your best friend because it should have been you there to help me, Stefan. You owe me, and it'll take you an eternity to pay me back. An eternity of misery, brother. Just like I promised.

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I'm thinking about that pregnant lady. She had a thing for pancakes.

Damon

That's what you remember?

You remember it, don't you? You make pancakes every day.

Damon

'Cause I'm bored...

No... 'Cause you're punishing yourself. You call this place your hell - that means you feel remorse. That's what makes you different than Kai. (gasps) Maybe there's hope for you!

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Damon

Bonnie...get...out of here...

I'm not gonna make it. But you are.

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Damon?

Damon

Yep. In the flesh.

How am I seeing you right now?

Damon

Because I'm not dead, Stefan. (gestures to the liquor bottle) I mean, this stuff's good, but it's not "I see dead people" good.

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So how did you get back?

Damon

Long story, big flash of light, two decades worth of jet lag - I will explain all of my adventures in that flannel hellscape, but first, there's someone I got to go see.

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Damon

Look, I know why you did what you did. But it's not real. You know what's real? The way you felt for me. You once told me it was the most real thing you ever felt in your life.

Elena

Those feelings are gone.

Damon

Oh, come on, Elena. You've compelled enough people to know it's just a way of covering the truth. And no matter how badly you want it done, it doesn't make it any less of a lie.

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Alaric

So...how the hell are you?

Damon

Well let's see, Ric... I clawed my way out of some retro pocket-universe only to find that I needed to compel myself a new change of clothes because this anti-magic hamster ball is keeping me from going home, and then I find out that my best friend, rather than doing anything about it, decided that it was the best use of his time to compel my beautiful and lovely girlfriend to forget that she ever loved me. I'm great, Ric! Thanks for asking.

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(voicemail) It's Bonnie. Leave a message. (beep)

Damon

That's it? That's your outgoing message. Really? I mean, the one time I'm actively seeking the sound of your voice, that's all I get. Perfect. Anyway, I'm in your room - which is a lot less weird than it sounds. But I just wanted to say that, because of what you did for me, today is the day I get to see Elena. So thank you, and...I'm sorry. Other than that, I don't know what to say or what I'm supposed to say except that, defying all possible global scenarios...I might miss you a little bit.

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Damon

Stefan could have told me there was a hunter in town.

Enzo

Eh, it probably slipped his mind because he's responsible for my return to incarceration.

Damon

And why would he do that?

Enzo

Probably jealous of my accent. Or, maybe he did it because I killed his new girlfriend.

Damon

Yeah. That'll do it.

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Damon

(about Elena) Ric said she's happy without me since she's erased me. You know what? I don't want her to be happy. I want her to be miserable, just like I am.

(pauses) You done?

Damon

Yeah. I'm done.