Then if they like that, you can go into the full-blown screenplay. That's it an entirely like two hours! [Harold giggles, making motions with his hands.]
Monologues
See how they do that? You see, they a little bit of the story to see if people are interested.
You older guys... you might want to try that.
The next time you guys go to the mall, and you see a bunch of teenagers out there talking about something interesting like the new Alanis Morissette CD. [He gives everyone 2 thumbs up and with a high pitch voice and says] RULES!
Okay so, and you know it reminds you one of your [making quote marks with his hands to sarcastically emphasize]"Amusing stories".
Don't launch right in to the two hour version you know, see if you can get their attention like uh, you know.
"Uh, you uh know one time I uh had to change a tire in the rain, on my way to a wedding."
If you are met with cold stares, don't tell the story! Move on, pitch out another idea!
[He does his old man impression and says]"Duh (Did I) tell you kids about the time I stepped on a birthday cake? Duhuhuh (to emphasize a dumb old man)"
[Harold pointed his hands at the camera] If they are interested, and only if they are interested, go on with a little bit longer version. But, you know, as for the two hour version is concerned. Trust me; we're willing to wait for the video.
Remember, you're on your own. Don't push it.
[Voice-over during closing credits of series finale] The years that followed saw a lot of changes to the Lodge members. Mike Hamar became the police chief of Possum Lake. With Mike having a legitimate job, the crime rate dropped to zero. Winston got a job investigating government corruption. He knew the territory. Dalton and Anne-Marie took a second chance at happiness by renewing their vows. Ed Frid became the leader of the local animal rights group. Hap Shaughnessy told us he'd been appointed ambassador to Guam. We hoped it was true. Edgar K. B. Montrose attempted to make his own heated recliner using plastic explosives. Hasn't been heard from since. Harold and Bonnie were slowly taking over the community. In fact, everybody changed except me.
North of Forty Advice Segments
You’ve probably heard them say that ‘to err is human, but to really mess up you need a computer.’ I’m actually old enough to remember the years B.C. ‘Before Computers.’ Back then, the only use for silicon we knew about was from looking at pictures of pinup girls…which was also our introduction to the concept of ‘Virtual Reality.’ Life was a lot simpler when ‘boot up’ and ‘log on’ was something you did when you wanted to warm your feet by the fire. See, computers were in their infancy then, but like all infants, they eventually grow up to be teenagers and then take over your life. In the last few decades, computers have slowly but surely taken over every aspect of our existence, and there have been a bunch of us who have fought it every step of the way from punch cards to PC’s. Well, I salute the effort. But I’m here to tell you that the battle is over…and we lost, baby! We lost big time! The Palm Pilots have landed. Lay down your arms and get Carpal Tunnel Syndrome like everybody else. The enemy is at the gates…heck, the enemy may even be named Gates. Remember, I’m pulling for you. We’re all in this together.
I got a letter from a viewer, seemed like a nice fella. Says he's never missed an episode. He wanted me to do one of these talks about memory loss. I didn't have the heart to tell him I've done three or four of them already. So here goes another one. Apparently, doing crossword puzzles will prevent memory loss. I-I heard that somewhere, can't remember where. Anyway, I thought I'd give it a try, so last night Bernice was gonna be home a bit late, she asked me to put the potatoes on well before she got there. So I did that, then I went into the living room and started on a crossword puzzle. The next thing you know, I'm kinda gazing off, thinking, "Boy, I used to know that word." Then, uh...then I heard the smoke alarm go off in the kitchen. And I realized that crosswords don't prevent memory loss, they confirm it. So I say this: don't worry about your memory. As long as you have a wallet and a tackle box, anything you want, you can either buy or fish for. And the only words you need to remember are the ones to explain to your wife how you burned her best pot boiling potatoes. And those words are, "That's what you get for asking me to cook." And there's one other thing you need to remember: I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.
Want to talk to you guys about something all of us are looking for as we go down the highway of life — a half-decent parking spot. I call it "The Seven Stages of Parking." Stage One, you're a kid. All you have to park is your butt. Then you hit Stage Two, you're a teenager. Now you're out parking with a girl who has a pretty good chance of being your future wife. Followed by Stage Three, you're married with kids, now you're parking at McDonald's. The one with the play area. Then we have Stage Four. Kids are grown, and they're working — coincidentally, at McDonald's. You've now gone out, got yourself a sportscar, and you're caught parking with a girl who has no chance of being your future wife. Okay, this leads immediately to Stage Five. Now you're parking in the garage, where you're also living. Now comes Stage Six. You're old. No license, no car, no parking spot. Then we have Stage Seven. You're parked. I'm talking permanently. I mean, you got your own parking spot, even has your name over it. So the lesson here is: life is short, all right? Grab your shifter, move it out of park, and throw it into gear! Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.
[during the series finale] You know, my wife says I'm a person who has a hard time saying goodbye, but that depends. I know people, as soon as they walk up to me, I'm itching to say goodbye. And I don't mean au revoir, I mean adiós. But the truth is, when people are friends, they never really say goodbye. They stay in each other's minds, and every time they think about 'em, they're together again. I used to think that every good memory knocked a hair out of your head. So when you see an old bald guy, you know he's had a pretty good life. I guess the main point I'm trying to make here is, the pattern of life is such that nothing lasts forever. You're not supposed to get pregnant when you're seventy-two...uh, nobody over forty should ever take their shirt off. So as we go through life, it's important that we move from one phase to the next. And we have to say goodbye to the one so that we can say hello to the next. You know, if I say any more, I'll probably burst into that song from Titanic. Anyway, let's just leave it that it's been a great ride, and every time we hear the sweet sound of a strip being torn off a roll of duct tape... [does so] ...we'll think of each other. Might even smile. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [cuts the line on the fishing fly he has been tying, stands up, walks offstage]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Red Green Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.