Right, We are 'The Goodies'.
Yes we know that!
And we are... uh... going to do good to people.
How wet!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[Graeme is brewing an antidote for his new, improved Snooze formula, which is an extremely powerful sedative. He is documenting his work on a Dictaphone.]
...and that should produce the correct antidote. Yes. Now to test it. First, I take a big swig of new improved Snooze...
[He drinks from a nearby cup of Snooze.]
...and now for the anti... [passes out before he can reach the antidote]
[Graeme has just finished designing a pirate post office] Gosh, that was quick work!
Well, just like our post office, the quickest, and most efficient in the country.
You're being a bit optomistic, aren't you?
Well, it's a work of genius.
[to the suicidal zookeeper they just rescued] We'll be kind and considerate and help you in any way we can, but if you don't tell us what the problem is...
[interrupts] ... we'll chuck you back in the river!
[Reassuring Tim about Twinkle] It's not a monster, it's a kitten! Anyway, it's time for his vitamin pills.
[Pulls out a large pill and opens the cage to find it empty]
He's gone... someone's taken him!
[suddenly attacks Tim, shrieking at him]
You! YOU! You've done something to him, haven't you? You never liked him! What have you done with my pussy?
[while being shaken violently by Graeme] I haven't touched him! I wouldn't dare go NEAR him!
Oh, it wasn't him; it was me.
What?
It wasn't him. He's all right, I only put him "out".
[screams] YOU DID WHAT?
You should always put the cat "out" at night. So I... I did.
YOU IDIOT! THAT CAT...
[grabs and throws away the Bush Baby, which has attached itself to him again]
THAT CAT IS STILL GROWING!
[Runs to get his clothes]
Come on! We gotta find him, and catch him before he eats someone he shouldn't!
[Amused by Graeme's "slip-up"] Ah! You mean some THING he shouldn't.
[Voice of Doom] I know what I mean.
TBTim, Bill
Oh heck...
[In the sex education film that the Goodies have made for young children. A picture of Tim is being displayed]
[narrating] This is a man.
[Picture changes to a shot of some anonymous woman]
...And this isn't.
[Picture changes to a shot of Tim and the woman standing side-by-side]
This is a picture of a man and a woman. Do you know what the difference is? Yes, that's right; men are better at football. But, you know, there are other differences, as well...
[Tim unpacks a curious artifact to decorate his part of the office]
What's that?
An elephant's foot umbrella stand.
[offended] Wha...? El- Elephant's foot? Oh, you're not having that in here. I mean, that's cruel! I'll report you to the RSPCA.
Oh, leave him alone.
No, I'm not!
[Bill mutters something as he opens the door to the foyer and starts tugging at an elephant's trunk]
Come on, in ya come. Right...
Wha... What's that?
Three-legged elephant.
[Tim looks aghast]
I just hope it makes you feel guilty.
So tomorrow night when the owls do hoot and the moon is full, we must journey to the abode of the living dead.
Aw, we're not going to Bognor again, are we?
BTBill & Tim
[as rabbits] Nnnyeeehh!
[Serves them a whole lot of carrots] There we are eat 'em all up. [Bill and Tim refuse, showing a great dislike for the carrots] Aw c'mon, if you're real rabbits you can't get enough of those.
Course we're not real rabbits. [suddenly realise] Oh, did I say that?
[Pleased, and slightly cocky by this reaction] It's wearing off isn't it?
No it is not!
[Adamant] In that case eat your carrots!
Naw, c'mon, even rabbits need a change of diet now and again.
All right then, 2 tons of lettuces.
[Further disgust and refusal from Bill and Tim]
Why not... Fish and chips?
[Again pleased by the response] It is wearing off isn't it?
No! We're still the sworn servants of Big Bunny.
[Bill and Tim raise their arms in a 'Heil Hitler' gesture]
Aw well, if you're still the sworn servants of Big Bunny, you probably won't want a slice of this delicious pie.
[Affirmative murmurs from Bill and Tim, a few words such as "pie?" and "scrummy" can be heard]
Oh all right, there you are. [serves them slices of pie] Eat up. Nice isn't it?
Great, what is it?
[triumphantly, as he shows them a pie with rabbit ears sticking out of it] Rabbit pie!
Oh no! You mean like... you made us cannibals?
[Feigned sobs from Bill and Tim. The door opens to reveal a rabbit]
BBBig Bunny
Stop! Stop!
Huh? Who said that?
BBBig Bunny
It is I your leader.
BTBill & Tim
Big Bunny.
[Indicates Big Bunny] Well?
Well...
[Bill and Tim pick up cutlery from the table]
BTBill & Tim
Dinner!
[the two of them chase after Big Bunny,then the end credits start to roll as they chase Big Bunny down the road]
Look, I just need to nip out to the telephone box.
WHAT TELEPHONE BOX?
Er, that one there.
[The TARDIS from Doctor Who then flies past]
I once had a pet rabbit. And never did he once tie me to a board and stick carrots in my ears.
[after watching their film] Right! I'm gonna get drunk! The film's a failure! I'm gonna drown me sorrows! I'm gonna drink 'till it comes out me eyeballs! I'm gonna get drunk!
[the trio finds a song about the Jollyrock Lighthouse in a sea shanty compilation and eagerly start to sing it] Oh the winds they do blow, and the seas they do roar...
TGTim, Graeme, Bill
[singing] ... when you're stuck on a lighthouse, ten miles from the shore. But you've heard of the Jollyrock, of that I am sure. Go there and your loved ones, will see you no more.
TGTim, Graeme, Bill
[singing, suddenly worried] Oh, don't go to the Jollyrock, whatever you do. I wouldn't go near it if I was you.
[singing] So away from the Jollyrock I advise you to race.
It's utterly appalling... [confused] and not at all nace?
[singing, worried] For nasty things happen there, it's such a disgrace...
TGTim, Graeme, Bill
[singing, now really worried] 'Cause people get killed there all over the place! OH, don't go to the Jollyrock, whatever you do. I wouldn't go near it, if I was you.
[completely hysterical] Oh, the next verse is censored because it's too horrible even to talk about! [runs out] I don't feel well!
[singing, halfheartedly] Well your blood will run cold, and your heart fill with dread.
[singing, halfheartedly] For the Jollyrock is plagued with the souls of the dead!
[singing] If you stay there one night... [terrified] you'll go clean off your head!
GBGraeme, Bill
[singing, weakly] And in no time at all you will probably catch mumps...
[Double-check the line]
GBGraeme, Bill
... Mumps?
That doesn't even rhyme!
I've been out looking around, and you'll never guess what I just found in an old tin mine.
Gold?
No, old tins.
[empties a bag of empty tin cans on the floor]
[producing a rock] And... this!
What?
[confidently] Gold ore.
Ore?
[less confidently] Or something else.
[Bill is drunk]
[to Graeme] Pay no attention to him. He's pissed.
Has he?
Yes.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Goodies pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.