A character in The Goodies
Played by Graeme Garden
The Goodies · 20 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in The Goodies: in 12 of its 20 quotes
Most scenes with: Tim (9), Bill (8)
[Graeme is brewing an antidote for his new, improved Snooze formula, which is an extremely powerful sedative. He is documenting his work on a Dictaphone.]
Graeme...and that should produce the correct antidote. Yes. Now to test it. First, I take a big swig of new improved Snooze...
[He drinks from a nearby cup of Snooze.]
Graeme...and now for the anti... [passes out before he can reach the antidote]
[In the sex education film that the Goodies have made for young children. A picture of Tim is being displayed]
Graeme[narrating] This is a man.
[Picture changes to a shot of some anonymous woman]
Graeme...And this isn't.
[Picture changes to a shot of Tim and the woman standing side-by-side]
GraemeThis is a picture of a man and a woman. Do you know what the difference is? Yes, that's right; men are better at football. But, you know, there are other differences, as well...
[Graeme has just finished designing a pirate post office] Gosh, that was quick work!
GraemeWell, just like our post office, the quickest, and most efficient in the country.
You're being a bit optomistic, aren't you?
GraemeWell, it's a work of genius.
Graeme[Reassuring Tim about Twinkle] It's not a monster, it's a kitten! Anyway, it's time for his vitamin pills.
[Pulls out a large pill and opens the cage to find it empty]
GraemeHe's gone... someone's taken him!
[suddenly attacks Tim, shrieking at him]
GraemeYou! YOU! You've done something to him, haven't you? You never liked him! What have you done with my pussy?
[while being shaken violently by Graeme] I haven't touched him! I wouldn't dare go NEAR him!
Oh, it wasn't him; it was me.
GraemeWhat?
It wasn't him. He's all right, I only put him "out".
Graeme[screams] YOU DID WHAT?
You should always put the cat "out" at night. So I... I did.
GraemeYOU IDIOT! THAT CAT...
[grabs and throws away the Bush Baby, which has attached itself to him again]
GraemeTHAT CAT IS STILL GROWING!
[Runs to get his clothes]
GraemeCome on! We gotta find him, and catch him before he eats someone he shouldn't!
[Amused by Graeme's "slip-up"] Ah! You mean some THING he shouldn't.
Graeme[Voice of Doom] I know what I mean.
Oh heck...
[Tim unpacks a curious artifact to decorate his part of the office]
What's that?
An elephant's foot umbrella stand.
[offended] Wha...? El- Elephant's foot? Oh, you're not having that in here. I mean, that's cruel! I'll report you to the RSPCA.
GraemeOh, leave him alone.
No, I'm not!
[Bill mutters something as he opens the door to the foyer and starts tugging at an elephant's trunk]
Come on, in ya come. Right...
Wha... What's that?
Three-legged elephant.
[Tim looks aghast]
I just hope it makes you feel guilty.
[as rabbits] Nnnyeeehh!
Graeme[Serves them a whole lot of carrots] There we are eat 'em all up. [Bill and Tim refuse, showing a great dislike for the carrots] Aw c'mon, if you're real rabbits you can't get enough of those.
Course we're not real rabbits. [suddenly realise] Oh, did I say that?
Graeme[Pleased, and slightly cocky by this reaction] It's wearing off isn't it?
No it is not!
Graeme[Adamant] In that case eat your carrots!
Naw, c'mon, even rabbits need a change of diet now and again.
GraemeAll right then, 2 tons of lettuces.
[Further disgust and refusal from Bill and Tim]
Why not... Fish and chips?
Graeme[Again pleased by the response] It is wearing off isn't it?
No! We're still the sworn servants of Big Bunny.
[Bill and Tim raise their arms in a 'Heil Hitler' gesture]
GraemeAw well, if you're still the sworn servants of Big Bunny, you probably won't want a slice of this delicious pie.
[Affirmative murmurs from Bill and Tim, a few words such as "pie?" and "scrummy" can be heard]
GraemeOh all right, there you are. [serves them slices of pie] Eat up. Nice isn't it?
Great, what is it?
Graeme[triumphantly, as he shows them a pie with rabbit ears sticking out of it] Rabbit pie!
Oh no! You mean like... you made us cannibals?
[Feigned sobs from Bill and Tim. The door opens to reveal a rabbit]
Stop! Stop!
Huh? Who said that?
It is I your leader.
Big Bunny.
Graeme[Indicates Big Bunny] Well?
Well...
[Bill and Tim pick up cutlery from the table]
Dinner!
[the two of them chase after Big Bunny,then the end credits start to roll as they chase Big Bunny down the road]
Graeme[the trio finds a song about the Jollyrock Lighthouse in a sea shanty compilation and eagerly start to sing it] Oh the winds they do blow, and the seas they do roar...
[singing] ... when you're stuck on a lighthouse, ten miles from the shore. But you've heard of the Jollyrock, of that I am sure. Go there and your loved ones, will see you no more.
[singing, suddenly worried] Oh, don't go to the Jollyrock, whatever you do. I wouldn't go near it if I was you.
Graeme[singing] So away from the Jollyrock I advise you to race.
It's utterly appalling... [confused] and not at all nace?
[singing, worried] For nasty things happen there, it's such a disgrace...
[singing, now really worried] 'Cause people get killed there all over the place! OH, don't go to the Jollyrock, whatever you do. I wouldn't go near it, if I was you.
[completely hysterical] Oh, the next verse is censored because it's too horrible even to talk about! [runs out] I don't feel well!
[singing, halfheartedly] Well your blood will run cold, and your heart fill with dread.
Graeme[singing, halfheartedly] For the Jollyrock is plagued with the souls of the dead!
[singing] If you stay there one night... [terrified] you'll go clean off your head!
[singing, weakly] And in no time at all you will probably catch mumps...
[Double-check the line]
... Mumps?
That doesn't even rhyme!
GraemeI've been out looking around, and you'll never guess what I just found in an old tin mine.
Gold?
GraemeNo, old tins.
[empties a bag of empty tin cans on the floor]
Graeme[producing a rock] And... this!
What?
Graeme[confidently] Gold ore.
Ore?
Graeme[less confidently] Or something else.
[Bill is drunk]
[to Graeme] Pay no attention to him. He's pissed.
GraemeHas he?
Yes.
[Tim and Bill yell at each other]
GraemeThis is good, political discussion, a healthy thing.
This isn't political discussion, we're just shouting at one another.
GraemeSame thing.
Graeme[referring to the puppets] See, see. I'm telling you could trust them.
[angry] Right. That does it, come on.
Great. Right… Where to?
[the Goodies have been told there's half an hour to go before the end of the world]
At least there's time to do the ironing.
[Brings in the ironing board and a basket of laundry]
Just think, this is the end of Derby County... and the Muppets!
GraemeThe Muppets?
Yes, when we go, they'll go too, you know... oh, I do hope they don't suffer.
GraemeThey're not real, you know!
Well, of course they're real!
GraemeDon't be silly... the Muppets are just dollies!
If they're "dollies", how come they can sing and dance and make sophisticated funny remarks?
GraemeLook, Kermit the frog is a green sock.
[suddenly disturbed] What?
GraemeKermit the frog is a man on his knees with a green sock on his hand!
[to demonstrate, he uses a green sock as a glove puppet and imitates Kermit]
Graeme"Hello frog lovers, and welcome to the Muppet Show! I'd like to welcome our very special guest, Miss Piggy. Yay-ay-ay-ay!"
Well she has GOT to be real.
GraemePair of old y-fronts and a mop head.
[He holds up a pair of underpants and a mop head, and speaks like Miss Piggy]
Graeme"Hello Kermit, spawn of my heart, frog of my dreams!"
[as Kermit]
Graeme"Hi there Miss Piggy, and what can I do for you?" Fozzie Bear is a brown woolly jumper with a hat on!
[Holds up a brown pullover and a hat and speaks like Fozzie]
Graeme"Oh boy, funn-y! Oh Kermit, I hope those two old guys don't heckle me!"
[Holds up two sponge balls and imitates Waldorf and Statler]
Graeme"Boo boo, the bear's a comedian, the comedian's a bear! Boo, boo!"
[Waves a feather duster in Tim's face and bellows]
Graeme"A-NI-MAL!"
[Nearly hysterical] No, stop it! Lies! LIES!
Graeme[holds up the green sock again and sings] "Halfway up the staircase..."
NO!
[runs into the kitchen, screaming]
GraemeI released his inhibitions through anger and violence! My work is at an end. I can die a happy man.
[Tim emerges screaming from the kitchen and throws the gas cooker at Graeme]
GraemeYou shouldn't have hit me with that! You've ruined the cake!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Goodies pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
