Tim quotes from The Goodies

Tim

I once had a pet rabbit. And never did he once tie me to a board and stick carrots in my ears.

Tim

Right, We are 'The Goodies'.

Bill

Yes we know that!

Tim

And we are... uh... going to do good to people.

Bill

How wet!

Tim

[Graeme has just finished designing a pirate post office] Gosh, that was quick work!

Graeme

Well, just like our post office, the quickest, and most efficient in the country.

Bill

You're being a bit optomistic, aren't you?

Graeme

Well, it's a work of genius.

Tim

[to the suicidal zookeeper they just rescued] We'll be kind and considerate and help you in any way we can, but if you don't tell us what the problem is...

Bill

[interrupts] ... we'll chuck you back in the river!

Graeme

[Reassuring Tim about Twinkle] It's not a monster, it's a kitten! Anyway, it's time for his vitamin pills.

Graeme

He's gone... someone's taken him!

Graeme

You! YOU! You've done something to him, haven't you? You never liked him! What have you done with my pussy?

Tim

[while being shaken violently by Graeme] I haven't touched him! I wouldn't dare go NEAR him!

Bill

Oh, it wasn't him; it was me.

Graeme

What?

Bill

It wasn't him. He's all right, I only put him "out".

Graeme

[screams] YOU DID WHAT?

Bill

You should always put the cat "out" at night. So I... I did.

Graeme

YOU IDIOT! THAT CAT...

Graeme

THAT CAT IS STILL GROWING!

Graeme

Come on! We gotta find him, and catch him before he eats someone he shouldn't!

Tim

[Amused by Graeme's "slip-up"] Ah! You mean some THING he shouldn't.

Graeme

[Voice of Doom] I know what I mean.

Oh heck...

Bill

What's that?

Tim

An elephant's foot umbrella stand.

Bill

[offended] Wha...? El- Elephant's foot? Oh, you're not having that in here. I mean, that's cruel! I'll report you to the RSPCA.

Graeme

Oh, leave him alone.

Bill

No, I'm not!

Bill

Come on, in ya come. Right...

Tim

Wha... What's that?

Bill

Three-legged elephant.

Tim

I just hope it makes you feel guilty.

Tim

So tomorrow night when the owls do hoot and the moon is full, we must journey to the abode of the living dead.

Bill

Aw, we're not going to Bognor again, are we?

[as rabbits] Nnnyeeehh!

Graeme

[Serves them a whole lot of carrots] There we are eat 'em all up. [Bill and Tim refuse, showing a great dislike for the carrots] Aw c'mon, if you're real rabbits you can't get enough of those.

Tim

Course we're not real rabbits. [suddenly realise] Oh, did I say that?

Graeme

[Pleased, and slightly cocky by this reaction] It's wearing off isn't it?

Bill

No it is not!

Graeme

[Adamant] In that case eat your carrots!

Bill

Naw, c'mon, even rabbits need a change of diet now and again.

Graeme

All right then, 2 tons of lettuces.

Tim

Why not... Fish and chips?

Graeme

[Again pleased by the response] It is wearing off isn't it?

Tim

No! We're still the sworn servants of Big Bunny.

Graeme

Aw well, if you're still the sworn servants of Big Bunny, you probably won't want a slice of this delicious pie.

Graeme

Oh all right, there you are. [serves them slices of pie] Eat up. Nice isn't it?

Tim

Great, what is it?

Graeme

[triumphantly, as he shows them a pie with rabbit ears sticking out of it] Rabbit pie!

Tim

Oh no! You mean like... you made us cannibals?

Stop! Stop!

Bill

Huh? Who said that?

It is I your leader.

Big Bunny.

Graeme

[Indicates Big Bunny] Well?

Tim

Well...

Dinner!

Tim

Look, I just need to nip out to the telephone box.

Bill

WHAT TELEPHONE BOX?

Tim

Er, that one there.

Graeme

[the trio finds a song about the Jollyrock Lighthouse in a sea shanty compilation and eagerly start to sing it] Oh the winds they do blow, and the seas they do roar...

[singing] ... when you're stuck on a lighthouse, ten miles from the shore. But you've heard of the Jollyrock, of that I am sure. Go there and your loved ones, will see you no more.

[singing, suddenly worried] Oh, don't go to the Jollyrock, whatever you do. I wouldn't go near it if I was you.

Graeme

[singing] So away from the Jollyrock I advise you to race.

Tim

It's utterly appalling... [confused] and not at all nace?

Bill

[singing, worried] For nasty things happen there, it's such a disgrace...

[singing, now really worried] 'Cause people get killed there all over the place! OH, don't go to the Jollyrock, whatever you do. I wouldn't go near it, if I was you.

Tim

[completely hysterical] Oh, the next verse is censored because it's too horrible even to talk about! [runs out] I don't feel well!

Bill

[singing, halfheartedly] Well your blood will run cold, and your heart fill with dread.

Graeme

[singing, halfheartedly] For the Jollyrock is plagued with the souls of the dead!

Bill

[singing] If you stay there one night... [terrified] you'll go clean off your head!

[singing, weakly] And in no time at all you will probably catch mumps...

... Mumps?

Tim

That doesn't even rhyme!

Graeme

I've been out looking around, and you'll never guess what I just found in an old tin mine.

Bill

Gold?

Graeme

No, old tins.

Graeme

[producing a rock] And... this!

Bill

What?

Graeme

[confidently] Gold ore.

Tim

Ore?

Graeme

[less confidently] Or something else.

Tim

[to Graeme] Pay no attention to him. He's pissed.

Graeme

Has he?

Tim

Yes.

Graeme

[referring to the puppets] See, see. I'm telling you could trust them.

Bill

[angry] Right. That does it, come on.

Tim

Great. Right… Where to?

[roars loudly]

Tim

Get off, get off! You jerk!

Tim

[burps loudly]

Tim

It's all a con!

Bill

Uh, no. I prefer to use the word rip-off.