Stephen Colbert quotes from The Colbert Report

Stephen

I've said it a million times: Romance languages lead to premarital sex.

Chicks Dig Accents.

Stephen

[getting into his car] Take me home, Sam.

You are home, Stephen. The Colbert Nation is your home - and it needs you now, more than ever.

Stephen

No it doesn't.

Yes it does! The Democrats have only been in power for a few minutes and already they've already got us stuck in this unwinnable war!

Stephen

[with realization dawning] Yeah, they really screwed the pooch on that one. That Democratic majority has had a free ride for too long! Thanks, Sam! [moves to get out of the car]

You're welcome.

Stephen

[turning] Oh, by the way, there was no sparkling water in my drink caddy. You forget that again and I will fire your fat ass. You got me, old man?

Yes.

Stephen

Yes, what?

Yes, sir.

Stephen

Look, do you believe there's a God?

I'm not sure.

Stephen

Really?

Yeah.

Stephen

So you're an agnostic?

That's right.

Stephen

Isn't that just an atheist without balls?

Stephen

We went to Iraq for one reason.

WMDs?

Stephen

No.

9/11?

Stephen

No.

Someone Tried To Kill The President's Daddy?

Stephen

Kind of.

Stephen

Tonight’s subject: Throwing kittens in a woodchipper. I'm against it, I think it's wrong. John, tear me a new one.

Well, you know, there are times when you have to find a way to dispose of kittens. And sometimes the only thing that you can do, if you don't have a shovel, if you don't have a garbage can, if there's a woodchipper handy, then you're going to have to use the woodchipper.

Stephen

Now, tragically, folks, we are illuminating more and more of the Dark Side every day. Now that indefinite detention, enhanced interrogation, and domestic spying are acceptable, it is getting harder and harder to find those things that we as Americans theoretically cannot bring ourselves to do.

Vote?

Stephen

You see, the Vice President knew that we cannot win this war if we go by the book.

Or The Constitution.

Stephen

You... you do whatever it takes. You go beyond what's legal. You go past what's acceptable.

You Shoot A Man In The Face.

Stephen

We need to return to the clarity of the good old days. Before there was any difference between Sunnis and Shi'ites.

632 A.D.

Stephen

Back when there were freedom fries, and our justification for war was three simple letters: W...M...D

L...I...E

Stephen

[on his teleprompter being blank, thanks to the WGA strike] Jim, what the hell is going on? Where are my words?

We have no script, Stephen.

Stephen

Why not?

The writers are on strike.

Stephen

Yeah, I know that, Jim, I'm not a complete idiot. How does that affect me?

We have nothing to put in the prompter.

Stephen

That's not my understanding of how this works, Jim. My understanding is that this little, this little, uh, magic box right here, it reads my thoughts and then it lays them up on the screen right there in little words that I read and--that my audience can hear my--it's a labor saving device, Jim, that's--that's how I understand this works.

Well, no, actually it's what the writers put in.

Stephen

The writers. The guys on the fourth floor with the opium bongs playing Guitar Hero all day. You're telling me that those guys are responsible for what I say? I find that a bit of a stretch, Jim, I'm sorry. Get it fixed, and get it fixed now.

Obviously you paid attention in Sunday school.

Stephen

I teach Sunday School, motherfucker!