Stephen Colbert quotes from The Colbert Report

Stephen

(February 1, 2010) "Happy Black History month, to all my black VIEWER! This is The Colbert Report!"

Stephen

(February 3, 2010) Jon Stewart went on The O'Reilly Factor tonight! I hope he brought me back a toaster. This is The Colbert Report!

Stephen

(February 4, 2010) "If it's an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth, why is there no Eyefairy? This is The Colbert Report!

Stephen

(February 10, 2010) "Honda is recalling almost a million vehicles for faulty airbags. It seems that the only Japanese company we can trust these days are the guys that make sex robots. This is The Colbert Report!"

Stephen

(February 21, 2010) "Tonight! I'm in Vancouver for the 2010 Olympic Games. They only have two weeks, how are they gonna fit in 2010 games? ... It's 11:30 at night and the Sun is still shining. They wonder, why's there no snow here? This is The Colbert Report!

Stephen

(March 2, 2010) "Happy Birthday, Dr. Seuss! This is The Colbert Repoose!

Stephen

(April 20, 2010) "Don't cry over spoiled milk. Get angry and punch a cow! This is The Colbert Report!

Stephen

(April 27, 2010) " Senators Schumer and Franken want to improve Facebook's privacy practices. Guys, just go on Myspace! You can have all the privacy in the world. This is the COLBERT REPORT!

Stephen

(May 4, 2010) " Don't put off till tomorrow what you can do today. I meant to tell you that yesterday, but f**k it ! This is the Colbert Report!"

Stephen

(July 1, 2010) "It's Fourth of July weekend, or, as I call it, Exploding Christmas. This is The Colbert Report! "

Stephen

(August 18, 2010) "Wired magazine says the internet is dead. I hope the LOL-cats made it out alive. This is The Colbert Report!"

Stephen

(June,15 2011) A 99 year old Oregon man just graduated from college, Ouch! Bad time to enter the job market. This is The Colbert Report!

Stephen

(September 25, 2012) I have got an iPhone 5, and Apple Maps says I'm in Norway. This is The Colbert Report!

Stephen

(28 Jun 2012) John Roberts' health care vote is the worst betrayal since Benedict Arnold teamed up with Judas to stab Caesar right in the croutons.

Stephen

You said, "Anyone who grew up on a farm knows that evolution exists." OK, are you saying a monkey can milk a cow?

Well, if I can milk a cow I suspect a monkey as smart as I am can milk a cow.

Stephen

Are there monkeys as smart as you?

I'm sure there are quite a few, quite a few.

Stephen

Oh really? Do they give a Nobel Prize for throwing your own feces?"

That's the Economics prize, I think.