The Angry Video Game Nerd Season 1 quotes

The Nerd

So, I'm taking the stairs down, now I found some blueprint of the 5th floor. Whoa! Now we're talking about the 5th floor? "Take out the main computer"? I'm getting confused. So, I'm going around, trying to kill people, and Officer Carl Winslow keeps talking to me. So, I'm just walking around, waiting for whatever random stuff to happen, then the police car blows up! I'm like, "What does this have to do with anything?" But then Steve Urkel comes on! I'm like, "What the fuck!?"

The Nerd

There's guys around every corner, there's guys coming out of the elevator, there's guys coming out of your ass, it's crazy!

Oh God... Oh God! Let me ask a question: what do you get when you take a movie, that's ASS, and you make it into a game? You get a pieceashit! Now, if you get a piece of ass, that's... a good thing. But if you get a pieceaSHIT, you don't want that! And this of course, is Independence Day for the Playstation. I don't even wanna talk about this. It's makin' me sick. MAKIN' ME SICK!

I think it's a graphic flaw. Nothing appears until it's right up in your fuckin' face! What the ASS is that all about? To describe this game's assness, all I can say is, it's very ass.

The radar doesn't do diddly dick! It's too small, it makes no fuckin' sense, and...I don't like it.

The worst thing about this is that it makes me feel really guilty to be playing it! Like I should be doing something better with my time—like rolling dog turds in cement! Like, I gotta get away from this game! I gotta get out of this room! I gotta go out somewhere & do something wild—like get a tattoo on my face of a goat holding up a baby snorting cocaine off its penis!

You know, I played a lotta fuck in my day, but this game is... FUCK. The lack of music, the droning effect it has, it reminds me of somethin' very similar. Something from the past. Top Gun on the NES. [Top Gun music and screenshots from game accompany The Nerd's speech.] While I hated it and it drove me insane, I would rather play this than Independence Day. In fact, just thinkin' about it is like a breath of fresh air. Makes me feel like a shitty log comin' out of a buffalo's ass and landin' in a bowl of M&Ms.

Now, as always, I don't care if you agree with my opinions on games, but what I do care, you enjoy the video, you have a great 4th of July, drink some beers, but be safe, and most important - celebrate your independence not to play shitty fuckin' games.

Bringing back the horrible memories of these games can best be described like this: Imagine if you trapped a wet, smelly piece of dog shit inside an airtight container. Then, like twenty years later, you open that shit up, you take a good smell, and there you go. Welcome back.

(playing Bart vs. the Space Mutants) It's strangely satisfying to jump on those aliens' heads. After all, don't you wish you could just go around killing aliens? Not making purple things not purple? Why not just fucking shit all over 'em and make everything brown?

I just wanted to point out that for a game titled "Bart vs. the World", there really isn't a lot of "the world" in the game. No shit, right? Just Egypt, China, the North Pole, and Hollywood? Pretty fucking educational, right? When I was eleven years old, my whole world was video games, just locked in my room playing Bart vs. the Space Mutants and all this crap. And I wasted all my time on this shit! I want it back! It ruined my life! (drinks beer) Bart's my ass and Krusty's my balls! Fuck this shit. Now I'm gonna eat my own shorts. (the Nerd puts his beer down, rips out his boxers with his teeth, and devours it in a ravenous manner)

The Nerd

(sarcastically) Wow, how awesome could this be? Bugs Bunny's Birthday Blowout. Well, it was a blowout, alright. Blowout your ASS!

The Nerd

Yeah, this game's really a no-brainer. [drinks beer]

The Nerd

[spits out beer] OH MY GOD! IT'S BUGS BUNNY!

Bugs Bunny

Nyah... [eats carrot] What’s up, Doc?

The Nerd

[walks up to Bugs] I can't believe it! In my own house! Bugs Bunny! BUGS FUCKIN' BUNNY! [punches Bugs in the stomach and in the face]

The Nerd

This game is garbage!

Bugs Bunny

Nyaaaah-

The Nerd

[grabs Bugs by the ears and pounds his head on the floor; the commas that follow mark the head pounding] I'D RATHER PUT MY BALLS IN A CROCODILE'S MOUTH, WHILE SHOVING MY HEAD UP A UNICORN'S ASSHOLE!

Bugs Bunny

Nyah, what's up, fuck-cock vagina fuck-fuck?!