The Angry Video Game Nerd · Season 1
(singing to the tune of the Spider-Man theme song)
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Takes a dump in a coffee can
Plays some games with a grudge
Gonna shit out some anal fudge
Look out, here comes some shitty games
Alcohol is his power source
Takes a piss like a drunken horse
Climbs a wall, then he falls
This game sucks his spider-balls
Oh no, he's playing the shitty games
When he plays his games
He feels so ashamed
He shoots web from his wrist
But now Spider-Man's fucking pissed
Wow. It's like you get to play the games on a CD! Check out the graphics! Full motion video, opposed to video that isn't full motion! 64 simultaneous colors! 12.5 MHz processor! Holy shit! This thing is total FUCKIN' GAR-BITCH! How would you like it if I conduct the rest of the video like this? (screen becomes smaller and the video choppier, like the Sega CD's "FMV.") "Full motion video", my fuck! I'd rather be full fuckin' screen!
So you put the fuckin' game in, and oh, guess what? It runs off of its own power adapter. Yeah, that's two. One for the Genesis and one for the Sega CD. If it can't run off the same power, why couldn't it just be its own independent system? Instead it's like a fuckin' parasite or somethin'. Then there's this problem: the load time. Load of fuck! You could go dump your fuck in the fucking time it takes. So if you're gonna play the Sega CD, grab a fucking beer and be patient.
Willy Beamish. The teacher talks to you, and you come up with answers. Should I say, "Oh, that was my frog, Horny."? The frog's name is "Horny"?
Now we got Sol-Feace. More like Sol-Feces! Well, holy shit, I gotta be honest. It reminds me of R-Type or LifeForce, and that's pretty cool, so all I gotta say is, this one's not bad.
The Sega CD had its place in history. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's a piece of shit. But it had a certain appeal. The 32X is the real deal. It sucks. Oh God, it sucks. You plop it on the top of the Genesis, like they're mating. God, I mean, do you think that's enough add-ons? It doesn't even look aesthetically presentable. I mean, it's just like an ugly tumor. I mean, did they really need all this bullshit leeching on the Genesis? That poor Genesis is just thinking: "Oh, please, God, take this shit off me." It's like getting gang-raped. Both of its slots are getting fucked at the same time.
(plugging in the power adapters for the game consoles) Here goes the Genesis, the Sega CD, and... bullshit. What a load of fucking bullshit. How did they fuck this up so bad? I can't even turn it the other way because it doesn't fit. Why can I only plug in two power adapters? Why can't these go sideways? Or, better yet, why the Hell do they have these box things? Why can't it just be like this? (ends in a thin plug)
(playing Primal Rage with only the background visible) Great title screen, huh? There isn't even any title at all. (cuts to the character select menu, where once again no characters are visible) What is this? Wh-wait a minute. Oh, please, God, tell me what's going on. Why can't I see the characters? I'm playing Invisible Primal Rage! Alright, let's try Virtua Fighter. (the characters aren't visible here either) What the FUCK?! Guess what, we left something out. There's another cable which connects the Genesis to the 32X. Isn't it enough that the damn thing is inserted on to the top of the Genesis? Why does it need another connector? 'Look at this. It's a fuckin' mess. And what a perfect visual analogy. Sega invented the 32X to increase the lifespan of the Genesis, and that's exactly what the friggin' thing looks like. It's on life support.
And just to celebrate their failure, or just for shits and giggles, they released a few CD-32X games, which required both the 32X and the Sega CD. So, if you happened to own this pile of vomit and this piece of shit, you can mix the two together.
Alright, this is Silver Surfer. Silver Shit! (inserts game into NES and turns it on) He looks so stupid! I mean, what the hell's wrong with him? He's just like... like... (The Nerd tries to imitate Silver Surfer's pose.)
What'd I say before? This game's not bad? Well, no. It isn't bad. It's FUCKIN' HORRIBLE! And I dare you to play it.
I can't take it anymore. (Drinks some Yuengling) You know... there's really no point of going on. It's not like there's a reward, like there's a pot of gold sittin' on top of the TV. You know if you beat the game, it probably just says "The End", and that's it. So to keep playing it, you gotta be a fuckin' nerd.
I mean this game just pukes snot up my ass. It's like you touch the top of the building, you die, you touch the ceiling, you die, you touch the floor, you die, too far to the right, you die, too far to the left, you die, you die, you die, you die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, DIE! (lies on the floor, holds his eyes in anger, and mimics the game over screen) (upset voice) Oh, God, I can't fuckin' stand it.
This game is so hard, it would actually be easier to go outside in a thunderstorm and try to dodge rain. It would be easier to walk barefoot, without your toes or heels touching the floor. It'd be easier to pick fly shit out of pepper... while wearing boxing gloves! The fact you can get hit only once, pretty much means that you're weaker than every other enemy in the game. HOW DO YOU DIE FROM JUST TOUCHING A WALL?! I can understand if he's flying at like 200 miles per hour and he crashes into the wall, but the fact that he just touches the wall and dies is just ridiculous. I never read any of the comics, so I don't know what Silver Surfer's powers are, but isn't he supposed to be pretty strong? So why'd they make him into a wimp?! Why is he fuckin' up rubber ducks and weepin' like a crybaby? It's like some sort of fuckin' joke! Like what if they had Bruce Lee tripping over his own shoelaces? It's a fuckin' insult! This game should've been classic! But instead, it's worthless! It's as worthless as this fuckin' LJN poster I have back here! Man, I would just piss and shit all over this fuckin' game! In fact, JUST THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE HAVIN' AN ANAL EVACUATION! (Swigs some Yuengling) Fuck...! (Gets up, takes game out, and then throws it against the wall)
Somewhere up here, there's a rope which, I don't know if it's important or not. You blow up this gym locker or whatever it is and he says, "I'd have to be desperate to tie that on and jump off! No, thanks!" Are you kidding me? Have you ever had a video game character talk back to you and say, "No, I'm not gonna do that!"? Going back to Mario again, what if Mario just said "You know, I'm really not feeling up to jumping over that platform. No, thanks!"? This is ridiculous. I mean, he won't climb down with a rope, but he'll jump out a window and fucking kill himself?!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Angry Video Game Nerd pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
