The Angry Video Game Nerd Season 1 quotes

The Nerd

The music never changes. Every level is the same frothy sound of crackling ass!

The Nerd

It's just, so random... Y'know, how many times have I used the word "random" and "appear"? But that's exactly what's happening. Stuff appears, or doesn't appear, or randomly does something else. I feel like a guinea pig in an experiment where they're testing the effects of negative reinforcement. Let's see what happens if we take the key away... It's 20 years late, but whoever you are, and if you wanna know what the effect is, I'll tell ya the effect: IT'S FUCKIN' PISSING ME OFF!

The Nerd

But the most fucked-up level of all, is Level 8. Here, the key never appears. Just, never. It never appears. I played this stage for about an hour, before I eventually looked up an online walkthrough from someone who probably had more time to spare than me, and guess what? In this stage, the key doesn't appear, until you buy an invincibility potion and three slingshots! HOW WOULD ANYBODY KNOW TO DO THAT?! You go through the whole game, all of a sudden they throw you a curve ball and change the fuckin' rules!

The Nerd

It's winter. It's fucking cold. We're playing some Winter Games. But anyway, let me get the greeting outta the way. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, happy... everybody! Happy holidays. And if you have a problem with "Happy Holidays", then happy shut-the-fuck-up. But there ain't nothing happy about this shit.

The Nerd

[horrible 8-bit background music] How do you like that music? Listen. [commenting on the music at the end of the Speed Skating event] Exquisite. [sarcastically] Isn't that the most beautiful, radiant sound that has ever been blessed upon your soul? Its exuberant tonality harmoniously blends the dying squeals of electronic goats with the melodic rapture of diarrhea bubbling from a coyote's crap-hole.

The Nerd

[playing the Figure Skating event] I'm not even kidding, but if I were to give out an award, a big shit-dripping trophy for the worst controls ever in a video game, I think it would go to this! I mean look at it! I've never seen anything this unresponsive! I'm hitting every button combination possible! You know, all it needs to be said about Winter Games is that you push buttons. That's all it is. How's Winter Games? You ever play Winter Games? Yeah, you push buttons. That's it. Go like this! You're playing Winter Games! [footage of The Wizard is shown] You ever watch a movie where someone's pretending to play a video game, but you tell they're just acting; they're just going like this? They're playing Winter Games. Yeah. Who programmed this thing? Maybe it was Fred Fucks.

The Nerd

THIS IS A BLIZZARD OF BALLS!!! I can't believe humanity was capable of degrading itself so low as to produce such insulting catastrophe of ass!! [reads caution label on the back of the cartridge (said caution label is only on some unlicensed NES games)] "Do not store in extreme temperatures. Do not immerse in water. Do not clean with benzene, thinner, alcohol, or other such solvents. Do not hit or drop cartridge. Do not attempt to disassemble." [proceeds to do to the cartridge each of the things the caution label advises against] Like that? [places the remains of the cartridge into the crackling fireplace, where it catches fire and starts to melt] BURN, MOTHERFUCKER, BURRRN!!! YEAAAAH!

Wanna play some games? Wanna play some shitty games? ...Well hang on just a second, I gotta go get my mail. (The Nerd steps out of his house to find it and the rest of the scenery in the scene is swarming with graphics from Street Fighter 2010.) What the hell is all this shit!? There's metallic sea sponges everywhere! There's titanium rocket jockstraps! Headless parrots with bottle caps! Floating eyeballs entrapped in glass lids! How is this all happening? OH, ah-of course! It's the year 2010! Holy shit! This was all foreseen in the game Street Fighter 2010!

Remember how futuristic the year 2000 seemed? My whole childhood, it seemed like every movie, every video game - it was always "2000". It sounded so high-tech and so far away. But now, fuck that! It's the ten-year anniversary of the year 2000. (referring to Back to the Future Part II's depiction of the year 2015) In five years, we're gonna have flying cars and hoverboards and self-lacing shoes... It better happen. Otherwise they should have made it the year 3000. Even if they made it 2100, we'd all be dead; it wouldn't make a difference anyway! Better to be a mystery than to be wrong!

Who would've thought that Street Fighter's past lied in the future, which is now the present? Let's take a look at this. I can only imagine, we're gonna be Tiger Uppercutting through space and time, we're gonna be throwing Sonic Booms on the moon, Hadoukens up Uranus! Fuck Street Fighter IV, this is Street Fighter 2010!

What the hell is this poop-plastered, shit-smothered piece of fuck? And what does it have to do with Street Fighter?

(commenting on the cover illustration of Fighting Street, showing Ryu in front of Mt. Rushmore) To be even more elusive, they changed the fucking title to Fighting Street! That doesn't make any sense! But at least you get to play as classic characters such as Ryu, George Washington, and Abe Lincoln.

The final boss looks like a big, blistering ball sack that swallowed Grimace. His only weak spot is the face. The ideal strategy is to climb on the wall and keep shooting, but your beam doesn't reach. Not without full powerups. You can try jumping off and shooting, but that takes too long. You don't have time. When you're plowing through the stage, you gotta stop and get all the powerups. But that wastes time too! But you gotta do it! You gotta somehow make it all happen! You can't beat one boss flawlessly but then fuck up a little on the next one. You gotta: 1) Beat all the bosses without getting hurt too much, 2) Get all the power-ups, and 3) Do it fast as shit. All in one perfect run. But once you do it, man, you're on the fucking top of the world. Yeah, boom, BOOM! [Imitates explosions as he beats the game] And that, my friends, is Street Fighter 2010. That's all I have to say. So happy new year, happy new decade... am I forgetting anything? ... Yeah. Forgot my fucking mail. [He walks then the screen zooms that says "THE END."]

Ugh, Hydlide! Just saying the name gives you a gag reflex like you're about to puke! HYDLIDE! Sounds so wretched and foul!

Picking up a game like this, in itself, is like embarking on an adventure. You can stick to the familiar NES classics, or you can be a brave explorer and search the unknown. You might uncover a gem, or a turd covered in vomit. And this is a turd covered in vomit.