The Angry Video Game Nerd · Season 1
There's no skill involved. You'll never know whether or not you're hitting the monster or the monster's hitting you. It's just as random as rolling the dice or playing the lottery; sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose. But I guess it's better than using drugs or alcohol because with drugs and alcohol, especially drugs, you always lose.
Anyway, I got the Lantern. Now I'm going back to that dark cave to figure out what the fuck was killing me...I don't see anything! So that only concludes there was nothing. That's a cheat if I ever saw one. The game kills you with NOTHING!!
That's what you get for reaching into the dark depths of the NES library. You might as well be reaching into a dog's asshole, 'cause all you're going to find is shit.
I'd say this is the hardest trilogy on the NES. Even harder than Castlevania. I'm gonna focus on the first Ninja Gaiden. It's been over 20 years, and I still can't beat this son of a bitch.
This is impossible! How am I supposed to beat this?!
You are as slow as sloth taking shit!
Nunchaku-fuck!
You know, the whole fucking trilogy's impossible. The first game sends you back, the second has the stage hazards, and the third one has game overs. So, it's like pick your poison! Well, I got my poison right here.
(commenting on Atari's promotion of the "SwordQuest" series via $150,000 worth of ornately crafted and decorated fantasy items, which players back in the day could win by playing the games, finding and deciphering in-game clues, and sending them to Atari) Not since the medieval times have I heard of a treasure quest of this magnitude! It gets you really excited to play the games, so that's what I call a promotion: You'd be wearing your SwordQuest T-shirt, with your comic books and posters, drinking out of your gold chalice with your crown, philosopher's stone, and sword, and not to mention your SwordQuest video gaming cartridges exclusive from Atari.
(playing the "Earthworld" installment) Every time you go to the next room, it sounds like an explosion. That's what's so great about Atari: Something as simple as going through a door is an event.
Now, what can that mean? Hmm... 16-4... The comic book. (Picks up the book and opens up the page) Page 16, Panel 4. I don't see anything... What-- [Reveals a hidden word] Wow. (He writes down the word and continues playing and finding more clues) There's 10 hidden words, and they're supposed to make a sentence. But five of them are bogus. The only way to figure out which are the right words is to find a subliminal hint on the first page. The words prime and number are a different color than the rest, so this means you only use the clues that are prime numbers. Lemme tell you, in 1982, people had a lot of time on their hands and a lot of creativity to figure this out. Out of 5,000 entries, only 8 gamers got the right sentence. The winner was 20-year old Steven Bell. Good work, man!
(playing the "Fireworld" installment) What are we doing here, hitting birds with a pole? Throwing knives? Now you're actually steering the knives into a, uh, turkey club sandwich. This part, you're like a black eagle shooting bullets at snakes! All with glorious Atari sound effects.
(referring to general suspicions that the remaining three un-awarded treasures of the "SwordQuest" contest, including the planned grand prize, a gold-and-jewel-encrusted sword, is in possession of Jack Tramiel, who had bought Atari after the infamous video game crash of 1983) Somebody's gotta find out. The real SwordQuest is the quest for that sword and the other treasures. They belong in the hands of gamers who earn them. You know, everybody who put those games in their Ataris had a chance of winning. It was something to dream about. But that dream's been thrown about the toilet. It's 30 years later, but I say the contest must go on. Finish the last game! You can't have earth, fire, and water without air! The balance of the cosmos must be restored, the true bearer of that sword must be found! The Kingdom of Nerddom depends on it!
Pong. A simple word. A simple idea. It's just Pong. It was one of the first video arcades, from 1972. A simple screen mounted inside what looked like a carved tree stump. You could call this the "Wooden Age" of video games, when everything was made of wood, and two people playing tennis looked like two glow sticks batting a square ball back and forth. Yeah, this is before circles were invented.
I thought it was fun. Apparently, people thought so too back then. So that's why they made a home pong console so you can play it at home, and then, there was another one... and another one... and another one! AND ANOTHER ONE! AND ANOTHER ONE! AND ANOTHER ONE! There was like nine million fucking pong consoles!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Angry Video Game Nerd pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
