The Angry Video Game Nerd Season 1 quotes

The Nerd

Milon's Secret Castle. More like Milon's SHITTY ASSHOLE!

This started a little trend I like to call the "Bit Wars." Nobody ever talked about bits before that and nobody ever talked about bits since. And what are bits, anyway? Nobody knew, they're just bits! Try explaining that to your parents. "Well I want a Super Nintendo for Christmas!" "Don't you already have a Nintendo?" "Yeah, but this one's 16 bit!" "What's that?" "...I dunno!"

(playing Attack of the Mutant Penguins) This is the weirdest game I've ever played. I mean, it's not bad if you're drunk or high or something, but how did they come up with this shit? I got it. I could come up with a game like this. How about, you're a shark? And you gotta shake palm trees 'til trains fall down. And you put the trains in an apple and then turkeys come and eat the apples, and then the turkeys go up waterfalls and to get them down, you have to collect monkey butts. So you drop the monkey butts on power lines and... (trails off and mimes his brain exploding)

(the green face from Cybermorph appears from behind AVGN's futon and chases him off) Where did you learn to fly? Where did you learn to fly? Where did you learn to fly?

(shoots Skylar's image with the Super Scope) Where'd you learn to be an asshole?!

There's something about this that perplexes me. You have a game console, that not many people owned, so you make an add-on that requires owning the game console. What were they thinking?! It should've just been its own individual game system. Besides, the fucking thing has its own AC adapter. So, that's two. One for the Jaguar, and one for the Jaguar CD. And that's some cool looking design. It looks just like a toilet. Yeah! It's a fucking toilet! What a perfect analogy.

Well, thanks for trying. And thanks for the Pong console. Would you believe that a 30-year-old Pong console attached to a cell phone adapter would work, but a cutting-edge, snarling Jaguar doesn't? There's something wrong here. And you know what? I blew 250 bucks on this thing. So, you know what I did? Bought another one. Yeah, and guess what? It doesn't work, either! So, that's about $450 total I blew on two dead Jaguars. And these things are rare! So when the only two that I can manage to get my hands on just don't work, that leads me to believe that these things most definitely are self-aware. They don't wanna work! You can't make 'em! They just REFUSE to be reviewed! And I've never had that happen. So, the end... I gotta take a shit.

And his full name is Solid Snake? Might as well just be Erect Cock!

What!? You son-of-a-bitch! The enemies respawn if you use the binoculars! You can't do anything! Was this a glitch?! Or were the game designers deliberately trying to be FUCKIN' ASSHOLES!!? Seriously! And this whole jungle scene wasn't even in the original version. Like, "Hmm, let's see, what kind of stupid shit can we add? Let's take a great game and just dump an assload of diarrhea all over it."

This game is the fucking crust between your balls. It's terrible! And yeah, I know it's a classic game, but when something's fucked up, it's fucked up. So if you wanna rip me a new asshole, that's fine. I have like 12. Yeah, I've got a Charlie Brown ghost ass.

And it's not just me. Hideo Kojima himself said "It slurped anal grease through a warthog's dickhole." Well, he didn't say it like that, he said it wasn't faithful to his original game.

These are the games. Pretty elaborate, right? The titles are the best part. Like what are some of the games you grew up with? Maybe Wrecking Crew on the NES, or After Burner on the Sega Master System, or, how about, game number 1 on the Odyssey?

Now let's try the skiing game. All you do is move the light through the slopes, and with these controllers, it's harder than it looks. The only goal is to stay in the line and see how fast you can get to the end. It's up to the other player to keep time. Now THAT is what you would call a desperate attempt at a video game.

This one's called "Analogic". Yeah, that sounds fun: It's like the logic in your ass. It's supposed to take place in outer space. You each start on your own planet. I guess maybe Uranus and My-anus!

(talking about the name-the-United-State game) I also love how the instructions tell you that Alaska and Hawaii aren't really down there (below the 48 consecutive states). Hey, Nerdy Turd, did you know that Hawaii isn't really south of Texas?

(raspberry)

So now, let's see what the Odyssey Gun looks like. (removes the peripheral, resembling an authentic rifle, out of its box) Well, the Odyssey doesn't fuck around. I mean, this is what you'd call a gun. I mean look at it! It's a gun! It's a fucking rifle! I mean, they could never get away with this nowadays! You could never, ever... it ju- it just blows my mind that there could exist a video game console that has a gun like this! (expresses happiness) Let's try it out! (hooks up the Odyssey gun and fires it, accidentally shooting a hole in his TV screen)