Anyway, with a concept like X-Men, you'd expect a great game. Or at least, a fairly decent game. All the characters and powers and shit... How hard could it be? Well, we are doomed from the very start. Take a look: (holds up The Uncanny X-Men for NES) Somebody makes an X-Men game for Nintendo, why in the love of fuck does it have to be LJN? You take one look at that logo, and you just know: There is no gold at the end of that rainbow, because this, my friends, is the unholy stamp of death.
The X-Men game I remember most fondly is the arcade by Konami. Some versions have six players and a double panoramic screen. It was extremely monotonous, but satisfying as all Hell.
Welcome to die? Okay. It was a classic style beat 'em up, and one of the best in that category. Only problem: it was never released on a home console. It suffered the same fate as Konami's Simpsons game. Some might say these games would have been butchered on their home counterparts, but if you look at how well Turtles in Time fared on the Super NES, it only raises the question: "Why the fuck not do the same to X-Men and Simpsons?"
When it comes to X-Men games, that's how I recommended. But the two NES versions? Stay away. Stay away as far as possible. They suck. They suck balls! This one sucks my left ball, this one sucks my right ball! WELCOME TO DIE! (destroys the NES games with laser beams from his eyes)
[He returns to NES Terminator after mining lives by attaching a wrench to the controller] Alright, I'm back. I'm all refreshed, ready to play some more Terminator with all new extra lives. All 6 of 'em... [The Nerd stops after he finds out that he still only has 6 lives](shocked) 6? Only 6?! OK, I gotta be honest. It's only one digit, I didn't expect more than nine. But why a random number like 6?! That means that some fucked up masochist actually programmed it that way, and made a decision, "Hmm, let's see. Well, anything more than 6, that's too much." Fuckin' asshole! The only thing I can think of now, is to wait 'til you die 5 times and do it again.
[playing the SNES game] After such a long sprint, you'd think that thing was maybe the boss, but no, how naïve. So you keep running this everlasting shitty marathon, shooting shit and getting shit shot at you. Eventually you come to the boss, right? It's certainly big enough to be the boss, and it certainly took long enough to get this far. I'm gonna say it's the boss. Come on, die! Die! Yeah, alright, that's it. What now? What? Are you fucking kidding me? Holy mother in fucking God shit holy mackerel gosh damn, how is it not over yet?! How long could this first level possibly go?! Unless maybe the whole game is like this! I just can't fuckin' believe it! So I died, like anybody would. Game Over. First level goes on forever. Can't beat it. End of story. The game's impossible.
[on Terminator 2 on SNES] All I can say is, my God, the control is so bad. It's so stiff, and you can't punch anyone when they're too close. But check out the jump. What is that good for? It's like he's a marionette, or he's being hanged by an invisible rope. (The Terminator hops forward awkwardly) Like, holy Lord, that is some fuck right there. Look at him go! Wooo, wooo, wooo! (chuckling) Oh, God. I can't see the reasoning behind it. You can't make something that funny by accident. They took somebody as badass as the Terminator, and made him into a mockery. It's a fuckin' joke! And I'm not just doin' this to be funny, it's because of how slow he walks. The only way to go any faster is to hop around like a fuckin' idiot.
Let me ask a question. What kind of format do you usually play video games on? Cartridges, CDs, cards, floppy disks... how about an audio cassette? Isn't that just a weird thought to play a game on a friggin' cassette tape? This is Transformers for the Commodore 64, the computer that is most definitely more than meets the eye.
Wouldn't you think that a game based on the Transformers would have more emphasis on action rather than this strategic simulation thing? Well, guess what? There was a Transformers game that was a side-scroller. But only in Japan. Let me introduce the Nintendo Famicom. Simply put, this is the Japanese NES. Very different from that gray box, isn't it? This one's smaller and it's a top-loader. It has a nice dust tray. And the controller's attached to the console, which is efficient. But the wires are too short, and they're hardwired into the console, so you can never change them. The controllers are the same; Select, Start, B, A. But the second controller, instead of Select and Start, it has a microphone. Very few games utilized this. From what I understand, in The Legend of Zelda, you kill Pols Voice by making a loud noise into the mic. Of course that's only in the Japanese version, but the manual still says that Pols Voice hates loud noises, which only mystified players outside of Japan.
[reviewing "Transformers: Convoy no Nazo"] Everything's so small, so fast, and moves at such irregular patterns, hitting your mark is like trying to piss into a shot glass that's spinning on a record player that's strapped to a running cheetah's back while you're riding a unicycle on a tightrope blindfolded.
It's the end of the road, Megatron! UUNNNHH! HUUAAH! HUNNNGGHH!! Come on, come on, die! Hunngh! [defeats Megatron]BOOM! Yeah!!! Now, that's some intense shit right there. In conclusion, all I can say about this game--
[as the Nerd is talking, the level startup music plays and the stage theme begins playing again, this time for the tenth and final stage. The Nerd pauses the game in disbelief.]
Stage 10? I fuckin' beat Megatron, who the hell could be next? Fuckin' "Stage 10", my ass! I'm guessing if Megatron's not the final boss, it's gotta be Galvatron or maybe Unicron or Fuckitron, who knows.
[the final boss of the game is Trypticon, who is in his form that makes him strongly resemble Mecha-Godzilla.]
So now, is it any wonder why this game was never released outside of Japan? 'CAUSE NOBODY ELSE WANTS TO PLAY THIS FUCKIN' SHIT! Well, I gotta do what I gotta do. [points the Zapper at the Famicom] One shall stand, one shall-- [the Famicom transforms into Optimus Prime.] Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. Who are you?
What's this say? "Koopas seem to have gotten clean away with King Kong"? Are you telling me you're supposed to return King Kong to the Empire State Building? This blows my mind on so many levels. First of all, how did the Koopas capture King Kong? Second, why is New York City concerned that King Kong was stolen from the Empire State Building? Remember when the planes were tryin' to shoot him down? Isn't it pretty clear they want Kong off the building? Third, if this is supposed to be an educational game teaching us things that belong to New York City, WHY IN THE HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK DID THEY CHOOSE A GIANT APE THAT DOESN'T EVEN EXIST?! Fourth, the bag. Okay, King Kong is like, 50 feet tall or somethin'? But in this game, they made him out to be, like, 1,500 feet. How big is he exactly? Well, if bigger than the Empire State Building isn't a good enough analogy, then let's just say, A LOT BIGGER THAN THAT FUCKIN' BAG! And fifth, I can't grasp the concept that King Kong is in a Mario game, the same character that was a direct inspiration for Donkey Kong, who also appeared in games with the Mario character. Are we running into some kinda paradox here or what?
There's sort of like a help desk where you're supposed to return the object or the landmark or whatever, but the lady at the window won't talk to you unless you call Yoshi to come and give ya an extra boost. Okay, so are you telling me that the reason that stupid bitch won't talk to you at first is because Luigi is too short to reach the window? For fuck's sake, he can jump higher than the shittin' thing! How stupid do they think we are?! "Use Yoshi to reach the help desk". Well, how about use my greasy Italian plumber cock to whack you across the fuckin' face!?
