The Angry Video Game Nerd Season 1 quotes

The darkness is still a huge issue. Look, my lantern oil ran out, so I can't find my way back. So I'm really up Shit Creek without a paddle! And that means I'm paddling through the shit with my hands.

Talking to people is still a strange ordeal. Why do you have to shove a sword up their ass? Right up their ass.

Then you gotta wake Zelda. Come on! I'm here to rescue your royal ass. Get the hell up! Wake the fuck up! (swings the sword at the gong above Zelda) Oh, I get it.

I just saved you from Ganon! I won!

Nothing short of poetry.

In other Zelda games, there’s secret passageways that transport you all around the dungeon. That makes sense. But here, when you’re just walking to the next screen, and suddenly appear some place different on the map, it’s like, "What the Hell happened to this game?" I don't believe this! Like, [Stammers] I seriously don't believe this! [drinks beer] That's it, that's all I can take. How could they fuck up Zelda this bad!? It's not a Zelda game, I wouldn't call it that. "Oh, but it is. It has Zelda in it, it has Link..." Yeah, you know what, that's a pointless argument right there. That's like if your dad said, "I fucked your mom." It's like: "I can't argue with that!" Playing these games is as worthwhile as melting a dog turd in a frying pan. Yeah, put some buffalo puke and some cat piss all over it, and you have a shit sandwich that is Zelda CD-i! This game FUCKING SUCKS! (hurls a game off-screen) FUCKING SUCKS! (hurls a second game off-screen) FUCKING SUCKS! (hurls a third game off-screen) Oh yeah, and the Mario game? That one sucks too! (hurls Hotel Mario off-screen) CD-i SUCKS!!! (as the screen fade to black, AVGN is heard seemingly hurling the CD-i console itself as well)

Welcome to another sacrilegious Christmas fuck-fest! Now, two years ago, I played a bunch of Bible games. Yeah, now would you believe there's actually more of them? (He holds more Bible games) Like, who makes video games based off the Bible? Why would you do that? These games suck ass! If I was God, I'd be pissed.

(playing Exodus on the NES) So the exit appears, you take it and then you get a bunch of Bible questions such as "The king of Egypt told the Hebrew midwives to: Kill male babies; Kill all babies;" "Kill all babies"? I'm playing an NES game that says "Kill all babies"? And you know what? That's the wrong answer, so that obviously means that's something they made up. "Kill all babies"!

(playing Sunday Funday which is a clone of Menace Beach) Instead of trying to rescue your girl, you're not even going to believe this when I tell you, you're trying to get to Sunday school. Yeah. Now, as much as that's the dumbest idea I've ever heard for a game, what I don't understand is why that's so difficult! Who are these raging atheists that don't want you to go to church!? It's bad enough that the entire town is trying to stop you, but what's with the flying clowns, the old ladies coming out of boxes, and animals coming out of sewer holes? What's this guy's problem? Like why does everyone want him dead? I'd say he's having quite a day. And the funny thing is, he probably gets to church and doesn't even mention it, like: "Oh what did you do on this Sunday morning before church?" "Oh, well I flew on a balloon that I got from some clown, and then I went through the sewers and beat up a bunch of plumbers. I hopped on some frog and bounced around on a bunch of springs and shit, then I threw a bomb and blew some guy's fuckin' face off."

All right, well that's enough with that one. It's time to wrap things up. I've got something to blow the lid off the crap barrel. Time to flick the shit switch, turn up the diarrhea dial! IT'S BIBLE GAMES ON CD-I!! Yeah! We're living on the edge! More like living on a prayer!

(playing Pyramid Pursuit on Moses: The Exodus for CD-i) The voices are the fuckest baloney shit you'll ever hear.

(in monotone) I'm an idol worshipped by many. There's someone downstairs who worships me.

What is it, a robot?

Alright, well I'm done. There's not really any more Bible games, or at least ones that actually qualify as games. There's one on Game Boy called The King James Bible. It's extremely rare, but all it is is literally the whole Bible on a Game Boy cartridge. So I'm gonna draw the line right there. So have a Happy Holidays and all that good shit. Merry Christmas to all, and all a good fucking night!

The Nerd

I think Dave Chappelle said it best, he made Thriller. [opens the vinyl record of "Thriller"] Thriller.

The Nerd

Now, I know what we're all thinking here, but really, that's all it is. You're just rescuing the kids.

The Nerd

Why...? Why would they put that in the game?! How could they put that in the game?!

The Nerd

Fuck.

The Nerd

I'm gonna give you a little tour. Here's the first part of the game. You could explore the whole outside of the castle, but you can't go up to the second level yet. For now, all you have is three doors and a window. The first door leads to a room that has nothing interesting. The only thing interesting here is an area with a bunch of money. But how the Hell do you get over there? It's like the game is deliberately taunting you. "Hey, you want that money, don't ya? You want that money, yeah, you want that money, you want that money? Yeah, well fuck you, you can't have it!"

The Nerd

So, that's when you need... the power. [The Nerd puts down the controller and gets out his Nintendo Power magazine.] Nintendo Power! It's like: "You wanna know how to beat the game? Well, you gotta buy our magazine, you dumb little shits!"

The Nerd

This is the Classified Information section. Usually, this is all about cheats. "Golgo 13: Stage Select. Spy Hunter: Start with all weapons. Wizards and Warriors: Bypass the Wizard! Mario 2: Short Cuts to Birdo. Milon's Secret Castle: Getting Started?" That's not a cheat! That's just how to play the fuckin' game! The basic rules of the game needed Nintendo Power. That... is some fuck!