First thing you got to understand is when it's their time, all these big tough guys go yellow. Crying and hollering and screaming, blubbering, "The Governor's gonna call," and all that. Well, I been here 12 years, and the Governor ain't called yet. People say the damnedest things about electrocutions. They say your eyeballs pop out, they say black blood comes out your mouth. They say you get all foamy like a rabid dog. All that's bullshit. It ain't true at all. Nice thing about electricity is it's clean. Of course, I have seen a few heads smoke after it's all over. A smoking head ain't very pretty.
All S1
Characters
Niles TalbotWilliam Sadler · 6 quotes
JonasM. Emmet Walsh · 5 quotes
AnitaAudra Lindley · 4 quotes
CCharles4 quotes
PeggyAmanda Plummer · 4 quotes
Dr. Emil ManfredGustav Vintas · 3 quotes
Sylvia VaneLea Thompson · 3 quotes
UlricJoe Pantoliano · 3 quotes
Most scenes together: Jonas & Anita (4), Charles & Peggy (3), Dr. Emil Manfred & Ulric (3)
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Fucking guys on TV, what do they know? Let me tell you something. If they put executions on TV it would be the fucking highest-rated show of all time. It'd be Nielsens through the roof. The other networks would start killing people just to compete. Pretty soon, Geraldo Rivera would be pulling that switch.
They canned me from my job because they're afraid of me. They're afraid of death. They don't see it's all around them. It's a disease. You eat it, you drink it, you breathe it, you fuck it. We're all pregnant with it. It's growing inside all of us like them over there. You see those two junkies? Pitiful bastards, ain't they? I'll tell you something, though. In a way, I respect them. They're honest. They spend all their money just to shoot a little death into their arms. Just for a thrill. Just to get a little taste of the grave. See, they know death is coming. They tease it. I like that. Of course, at the same time, junkies are shit. Two-bit criminals.
I got nothing special against bikers. Hell, I used to own a hog myself once upon a time. Bikers believe in freedom. They don't want nobody to lean on them and they don't give a good goddamn what polite society thinks of them. They figure they're throwbacks to real Americans. You know, what the country was about before it all went to hell with big-city lawyers and computers, corporations and time clocks and what all. There's a lot to be said for that. Those ain't bad ideas.
It's easy to be successful with dames. Just don't fall in love and you're okay. You give them what they want, you fall in love, they will kill you. They can't stand you no more, they either dump you and move on or if they let you hang around, they'll cut your balls off. Weird, ain't it? Now, as far as strategies for getting into their panties that's easy, too. The old rule you treat whores like queens and queens like whores then you got no problem.
You all know me! I used to work here, for Christ's sake. Come on, I am telling you, the Governor's going to call. He knows what I've done for him. He knows about all the rats and crumbs that I took care of. All the shit they want me to get rid of! You've gotta let me go, you sons of bitches! That phone is going to ring! I'm telling you, he's going to call. He's gonna call.
HHusband
Something needs to be done about that fire. Have you got the poker?
WWife
Yes.
HHusband
Well, let me have it.
WWife
What did you say?
HHusband
What are you, deaf? I said, let me have it.
WWife
Merry Christmas, you son of a bitch!
CACarrie Ann
See, Mommy? I told you Santa would come and he didn't even have to come down the chimney. I let him in.
WWife
NO!
SSanta
Naughty...or nice?
It's a simple matter, really. Removing a gland from a common cat and surgically grafting it into your brain.
Wait. Into my brain? So I can die nine times. Now you're making sense, Doc!
You tried to kill me!
I didn't try to kill you, I did kill you. Deader than Kelsey's nuts. You can still die eight more times.
All right, if that's true when do I get my money?
As I promised, right now. But before you stagger into the nearest bar to slurp down your money how would you like to make hundred times more? A thousand times?
No!
What else do you want to do to me?
Nothing, dear boy. I just thought perhaps your special talent could make us both lot of money. Enough to finance my years of my longevity research and enough, of course, to buy you an ocean of alcohol.
Think what a strange machine the human body is, Ulric.
Yeah, how about that.
You can kill a man by destroying less than 1% of his body. He can be 99% healthy, and dead. Amazing, isn't it? Every human body is like a walking chemistry set. If anything happens to upset that delicate balance Death. That's why you're so amazing, Ulric. Because your body fixes itself. And it is going to make us both a lot of money.
Doc, you're half right about that. See, it's going to make me a lot of money. See, I gotta breach that contract, Doc. You're about to die in a terrible car accident.
What are you talking about? That's murder.
Yes, but who's gonna suspect me? I mean, after all, I'll die with you.
FFather
Come on, I'm gonna get you a junior membership in the NRA. Some kids kill rabbits, you can kill people.
BBarker
When you get to hell, don't forget to write.
RRaven
Oh, well, well, well, well, well! If it isn't Mr. GQ! I tell ya, for the rich, every night's a party night!
Dream on, honey! 'Cos ain't nobody invited you!
What's she got that I ain't got?
RRaven
Him!
Not for long, she don't...
RPRonnie Price
Well, I saw you and let's just say something more important came up.
That sounds like a cheap sexual innuendo to me.
RPRonnie Price
Oh, I'm sorry. It was supposed to sound like an expensive one.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Tales from the Crypt pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.