You do not know my family. What you guys call the Apocalypse, I used to call Sunday dinner!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
No, we're not 'cause we don't screw with people the way you do. And for the record, this isn't about some prized fight between your brothers. Or some destiny that can't be stopped. This is about you being too afraid to stand up to your family! [after setting off the sprinkler system] Don't say I never did anything for you.
All that stuff he was spouting in there, do you think he was telling the truth?
I think he believes it.
So what do we do?
I don't know.
I'll tell you one thing – right about now wish I was back on a TV show.
Yeah, me too.
He means the books, Chuck. Why are you publishing more books?
Um... for food and shelter.
Who gave you the rights to our life story?
An Archangel, and I didn't want it.
Well, you sure look lovely tonight. Especially for a dead chick.
LALeticia Actress
Buddy, I have heard that line 17 times tonight, okay? And all from dudes wearing MacGyver jackets. But you seem different.
How so?
LALeticia Actress
Well, you don't seem scared of women.
No, I am not a fan, okay. Not fans. In fact, I think that the Dean and Sam story sucks. It is not fun, it's not entertaining. It is a river of crap that would send most people howling to the nuthouse! So you listen to me. Their pain is not for your amusement. I mean, do you think they they enjoy being treated like-like circus freaks?
DDemian
Ahh, I don't think they care. Because they're fictional characters.
Oh, they care. Believe me, they care a lot! [storms off]
He, uh... He takes the story really seriously.
DDemian
I'm not sure you get what the story's about.
That so?
DDemian
Alright, look. In real life, he sells stereo equipment, I fix copiers; our lives suck. But to be Sam and Dean... to wake up every morning and save the world, to have a brother who, who would die for you... Well, who wouldn't want that?
Like all authors I started writing because of love. I had a huge crush on Nancy McKeon who played Jo in The Facts of Life. I must have written her forty to fifty letters. She never wrote back.
The demon Crowley is making a deal; even as we speak, it's... going... down.
Going down? Right. Okay, Huggy Bear, just don't lose him.
I won't lose him.
Oh, uh, excuse me for asking, but aren't you kind of signing your own death warrant? I mean, what happens to you if we go up against the devil and lose?
Number one, he's going to wipe us all out anyway. Two, after you leave here, I go on an extended vacation to all points nowhere. And three, how about you don't miss, okay! Morons!
So. Dangerous mission tomorrow. Guess it's time to eat, drink, and, you know, make merry.
Are you giving me the last night on Earth speech?
What?
What?
No. [laughs No. If I was, would, uh,... would that work?
[leans in to kiss him, but breaks off] No. Sweetheart, if this is our last night on Earth, then I'm going to spend it with a little thing I call self-respect.
Lucifer.
So, I take it you're here with the Winchesters?
I came alone.
Loyalty... such a nice quality to see this day and age.
I know what you must think of me, Sam. But I have to do this. I have to. You of all people should understand.
What's that supposed to mean?
I was a son. A brother, like you, a younger brother, and I had an older brother who I love. Idolized, in fact. And one day I went to him and I begged him to stand with me, and Michael... Michael turned on me. Called me a freak. A monster. And then he beat me down. All because I was different. Because I had a mind of my own. Tell me something, Sam. Any of this sound familiar? Anyway. You'll have to excuse me, midnight is calling and I have a ritual to finish. Don't go anywhere. Not that you could if you would.
You were referred to me by a Dr. Babar in Chicago.
That's right.
Isn't there a children's book about an elephant named Babar?
I don't know. I don't have any elephant books. Look doctor, I-I think the doc was in over his head with this one [points at Sam]. Cause my brother's, uh... [whistles and makes circles with his finger].
Okay fine, thank you, that's, that's really not necessary. Why don't you tell me how you're feeling, Alex?
[sighs] I'm fine. I mean, okay, a little depressed, I guess.
Alright. Any idea why?
Probably because I started the apocalypse.
The apocalypse?
Yeah. That's right.
And you think you started it?
Well yeah. I mean, I killed this demon – Lilith – and I accidentally freed Lucifer from Hell. So now he's topside, and we're trying to stop him.
Who is?
Me. Him. And, uh, this one angel.
Oh, you mean like a, like an angel on your shoulder.
No no. His name's Castiel. He wears a trench coat.
See what I mean, doc? I mean the kid's been beating himself up about this for months! The apocalypse wasn't his fault.
It's not?
No. There was this other demon, Ruby? She had him addicted to demon blood, I mean, near the end he was practically chugging the stuff. My brother's not evil. He was just... high. Y'know, so, could you fix him up so we could get back to traveling around the country and hunting monsters?
[smiles weakly, then picks up his phone]. Urma? Cancel my lunch.
Alright Ted, calm down.
TTed
I am calm. And I'd very calmly like to talk about the monster that's hunting us.
Ted, we're not going to have that discussion again. It's not good for group.
TTed
I agree. You know what else isn't good for group? A monster eating all our faces off!
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