Louis Litt quotes from Suits

Louis

(sitting at Harvey's computer) Okay. If you were a narcissist with great hair, what would your password be? [scoffs] Harvey. [computer beeps rejection] Specter. [computer beeps rejection] No. It's just way too easy. One of his favorite basketball players. [typing] Shaquille O'Bryant?

Louis

(speaking into dictaphone about Mike's lack of file in Harvard file room) Monday, 2:20 PM. This conundrum is burning a hole in my brain. Think. Logically. I mean, Sheila is professional and meticulous and wonderfully anal, and if she says that nothing gets misplaced in her inner sanctum then I believe her, which leaves the national security option. Is Mike Ross CIA? [scoffs] Please. There's a better chance that Esther's in the KGB. I mean, I can ask Sheila, if I'm no longer fond of my testicles, which- Wait a second. Missing testicles, missing file. It can't be missing if it doesn't exist. Holy shit. What if Mike Ross never went to Harvard at all? What if he just went to some crappy third-tier law school, like Fordham or Arizona State? 'Yeah, hey, bro. Yeah, no, I'll see you at the party. I'm not gonna study for the bar. Damn straight, that's right, bros before hos. Oh, yeah, you know-' All right, that's enough. He's been peeing directly into our pristine pool of eliteness. He's been- Oh, shoot, it's blinking out. Norma, really quickly, I need you to get a pack of rechargeable triple A- Shit, it's out. So I guess I'm just talking to myself.

Donna

I'm not some token you win at a fair, Louis.

Louis

You're-. I know you're not. You're not a token.

Donna

I'm a human being and I-.

Louis

Yes, you are.

Donna

[fake sobs] I'm sorry, I just… You know that just made me feel really…cheap.

Louis

No, I'm just trying to tell you that you're really good at what you do, Donna. So I'm gonna ask you-.

Donna

It's like my soul…hurts now.

Louis

Noooo, Donna listen. Even if your soul hurts a little bit-.

Donna

[fake sobs and cries] I'm sorry.

Louis

It's okay. It's gonna be fine. Don't cry. Please don't cry, Donna. Oh shit. [flees]

Donna

I think I owe you one for that. That was fun.

Harvey

Wait a second…That time that…you cried and then I let your parents…stay in my condo?

Donna

Yup!

Louis

Mike, let's go. In my office now.

Oh, damn, Mike. Tell me you didn't leak the documents, man. Are you our Benedict Arnold?

Mike

Benedict Arnold, nice reference. You helping your high school girlfriend with her homework again?

Okay, not cool, Mike. You know Darla's in community college.

Jessica

Did you want something?

Louis

Yes. Chain of command is everything to me. If I don't know who to answer to, I might as well be living naked on a kibbutz in the middle of Africa.

Harvey

An option worth considering, though we'd miss you. [mouths silently] Not really.

Jessica

Annual survey of associates came out. Pearson Hardman ranked second to last in quality of life.

Louis

Who beat us?

Jessica

Louis, I know you take great pride in making the associates' lives miserable-

Louis

Well, I did until the survey said that I was second best at it.

Louis

And then I take the shuttle to Grand Central, and then I take the local from there. I think you'll find that...pleasurable, actually.

Mike

[enters conference room] Sorry, restroom.

Louis

No, that's okay. This is my associate, Mike Ross. He was busy, uh, drafting some pertinent documents. Motion to dismiss, motion to compel, motion to strike, motion to change venue, and we have another half dozen in the pipeline.

Mike

No, they're here.

Louis

Oh.

What is this? This was supposed to be a settlement conference.

Louis

Oh, we're not here to settle. We're proceeding to trial.

You want to take this case to trial?

Louis

Um, unless I can't hear the sound of my own voice, I believe that's what I just frickin' said.

We're the little guy. Your parent company's a behemoth. A jury's gonna hate you.

Louis

Well, thanks to your disgusting smears in the media, that might be true, which is why we're also filing a countersuit for libel, slander, and anything else that might be appropriate in this case.

Mike

Tortious interference?

This is - you got- this is not good faith, Mr. Litt.

Louis

Sir, you have besmirched the good name of Liquid Water, and if you think that we're here for a settlement conference, well, let me just correct that one for you right now. We are not settling. We will not be settling. In fact, the only thing that's settling here is the sediment at the bottom of your putrid water. Get me? Now be sure to take that Grand Central shuttle like I told you, okay? I think you're gonna love it.

Louis

I need a list of everything that's wrong with the rehearsal space. For example, the creaky floorboards, they're affecting certain dancers' attitudes.

Harold

Oh, they shouldn't let that get them down.

Rachel

"Attitude" is a pose.

Harold

Oh, yeah, like striking an attitude. Whatever, I do that all the time.

Louis

Okay. I also need a list of the ballet company principals.

Harold

Okay, um, integrity, fidelity, patriotism-

Rachel

Not that kind of principle.

Louis

Okay, we're done.

Harold

How am I supposed to know?

Louis

Rachel, you've just been drafted.

Harold

Oh, but she's not even a-

Louis

Not what? She's not what, Harold? Ms. Zane not only knows more about ballet than you do, she also knows more about law.

Harold

What is it about ballet? I just- I don't get it, you know? There's no words, there's no story, there's no action. It's just all [jumps in air] and [jumps] and like [jumping in air, arms flailing as Louis walks up]... I don't... [Rachel clears throat] Please tell me that Louis isn't behind me.

Louis

Louis isn't behind you. Hi.

Harold

Hi.

Louis

Penelope Cruz, Zoe Saldana, Audrey Hepburn, what do they all have in common?

Harold

They're all hot?

Louis

No, dumbass. They all owe their success to ballet because it gives them discipline and grace, it embodies our emotions, it's breathtaking in its beauty, and most importantly, it expresses what cannot be put into words. You want to get ahead here, Harold? Take ballet, because right now, the only thing that's breathtaking about you can easily be put into words: nothing. Now relevé your ass back to work.

Mike

Wow, yeah, that is a tattoo.

Harold

It's cool, right?

Mike

Yeah. A manatee. The slow, gentle cow of the sea.

Harold

Uh uh no, it's a shark actually.

Mike

Totally. No, yes that is- that's a shark. That is a big wide fat shark.

Louis

[enters] You're fired.

Harold

Oh! You can't fire Mike!

Louis

You. You moron. You can't even get your firing right.

Louis

That's never happened to me before.

It's okay.

Louis

No it isn't. (lifts up blanket) Black Hawk Down.

First of all, that's an amazing movie and you should be proud that you are associated with it. And second of all, I think I know what the problem is.

Louis

You do?

It's about what happened in the file room.

Louis

Listen, Sheila, I can't tell you how that been weighing on my mind.

No, I get it. Now that we've declared our love, you think of me as a good girl. And you need me to be bad.

Louis

What?

It happens all the time. We're in a relationship now, and you think that changes the nature of our sexual relationship. But I am here to assure you...I can be bad.

Louis

I know what you want to do - you want to lobby me on behalf of someone who had the audacity to-

Rachel

I love him.

Louis

What?

Rachel

We're moving in together, and we're starting a life together.

Louis

Rachel-

Rachel

And I'm telling you this because I know what he did and I still love him.

Louis

Okay, here's the problem: I don't.

Louis

Not so fast. I demand to see my client, and my client isn't Mike Ross, it's Harold Gunderson.

And you are?

Louis

Louis Litt, Pearson Spector.

You're telling me that a man who works at the law firm he's accused of colluding with just happens to be his attorney?

Louis

That's exactly what I'm saying.

Bullshit.

Louis

No. What's bullshit is you thinking it's up to you who gets to represent Harold Gunderson.

So if I walk in there right now and ask him who his attorney is, he's gonna say it's you?

Louis

Doesn't matter what he says. It's 4:07, and if you don't let me see my client, anything he says after this second will be inadmissible. And I will rain down Fourth Amendment claims on you for the rest of your goddamn life.