Mike Ross quotes from Suits

Donna

Rick Sorkin. [Louder] Rick Sorkin.

Donna

[To Mike] Rick Sorkin? Excuse me, Mr. Sorkin, you are five minutes late, is there a reason why I should let you in?

Mike

Look-, look, I'm just trying to ditch the cops, okay? I don't-, I don't really care if you let me in or not.

Donna

Mr. Specter will be right with you.

Mike

What?

Harvey

Mike.

Mike

Hey. Who's ready for a great first day?

Harvey

I'm gonna have to let you go.

Mike

What?

Harvey

I just got reamed for lying to a client and if they find I out that I lied about you going to Harvard, they'll take away my license.

Donna

[Through intercom] You what?

Harvey

Not now, Donna! Look, I have to put my own interests above yours. It's nothing personal. You're fired.

Mike

Wait, so you're worried that if I stay, then they might find out that you lied about me and you'll lose your license, but if you fire me, then I could tell them that you lied about me and you'd definitely lose your license.

Harvey

Are you telling me that if I throw you under the bus, you're gonna drag me with you?

Mike

You put your interests above mine, I m-, I'm just putting mine back up next to yours.

Harvey

You're rehired.

Mike

Wire transfer from your account to Joanna Webster's. Phone records with Joanna Webster prior to her testimony. And, an affidavit stating you paid Ms. Webster to falsely testify. Mr. Hunt, harassment is a civil violation; the penalty is money. But witness tampering, that's a crime. And you will go to prison, where I guarantee you'll learn more about unwanted sexual advances than you can possibly imagine.

Do you think this is going to intimidate me? Even if this evidence was credible, who you gonna get to prosecute a small time witness tampering charge, huh?

Mike

Harvey, didn't you graduate law school with the current US attorney in New York?

Harvey

In fact I did, and I think he might even be interested in pursuing a case like this.

Mike

Wait, are you two still close?

Harvey

Well, I was the best man at his wedding.

Mike

Wow.

No you weren't. You're bluffing.

Harvey

No. I think I've got some pictures, of us at the ceremony. Let's see...yep! Here we are, must admit, I look very dashing. This is me and his mother; the woman adored me. Here we are at his bachelor party. There were no strippers. It was lame. But he can't put guys like you away for sexual harassment and go to strip clubs now, can he?

Harvey

Forget it. When I first started, Jessica rode me so hard I quit once a month. I just told you what you needed to hear.

Mike

Did you really quit when you first started?

Harvey

Of course not. I'm not a wuss.

Mike

That woman with Rachel, I took the LSATs for her a couple years ago. If she saw me, she could blow my cover.

Harvey

Oh, really? And how would that go? 'Excuse me, when I was cheating for my LSATs, that was the guy who took the test for me'? Come on.

Mike

Nothing, you guys are like two sides of the same coin.

Harvey

What are you saying, he's another me? No one is another me.

Mike

I mean, you told Donna I was another you.

Harvey

I never said that.

Mike

You said you were looking for another you, and then you hired me, so see how that works? Logic.

Louis

Mike, let's go. In my office now.

Oh, damn, Mike. Tell me you didn't leak the documents, man. Are you our Benedict Arnold?

Mike

Benedict Arnold, nice reference. You helping your high school girlfriend with her homework again?

Okay, not cool, Mike. You know Darla's in community college.

Donna

Why would Louis betray the firm?

Mike

I don't know, maybe he's still upset that he got passed over for senior partner and he leaked the list before he jumped ship.

Donna

Mike, Louis is a lot of things, but he's not a traitor. That man bleeds Pearson Hardman. He's probably wearing Pearson Hardman underwear right now.

Mike

I went to the tennis club with him. Trust me, he doesn't wear underwear.

Harvey

He's coming back, and people are going to have to choose sides.

Mike

Can I choose his side?

Harvey

Sure. Support a man you never met over a partner who knows you never went to Harvard, knows you're not really a lawyer, and is keeping you on anyway.

Mike

Jessica it is.

Mike

Whoa! [pulls record off shelf] Come on. The Spinners? Really?

Harvey

For your information, The Spinners were one of the defining pop bands of their time.

Mike

Oh. Oh wow, sorry. Yeah, that's cool, like, like uh the Jonas Brothers, or Hanson, or NSync, or Selena Gomez. Yeah.

Harvey

C'mere lippy, I want to show you something.

Mike

Oh yeah, what? You got Bieber fever?

Mike

Kevin, trusts and estates?

Donna

No, it's too meek. It's gotta be a woman. Who is it?

Harold

Harold. I need a stapler.

Donna

I was right.

Louis

And then I take the shuttle to Grand Central, and then I take the local from there. I think you'll find that...pleasurable, actually.

Mike

[enters conference room] Sorry, restroom.

Louis

No, that's okay. This is my associate, Mike Ross. He was busy, uh, drafting some pertinent documents. Motion to dismiss, motion to compel, motion to strike, motion to change venue, and we have another half dozen in the pipeline.

Mike

No, they're here.

Louis

Oh.

What is this? This was supposed to be a settlement conference.

Louis

Oh, we're not here to settle. We're proceeding to trial.

You want to take this case to trial?

Louis

Um, unless I can't hear the sound of my own voice, I believe that's what I just frickin' said.

We're the little guy. Your parent company's a behemoth. A jury's gonna hate you.

Louis

Well, thanks to your disgusting smears in the media, that might be true, which is why we're also filing a countersuit for libel, slander, and anything else that might be appropriate in this case.

Mike

Tortious interference?

This is - you got- this is not good faith, Mr. Litt.

Louis

Sir, you have besmirched the good name of Liquid Water, and if you think that we're here for a settlement conference, well, let me just correct that one for you right now. We are not settling. We will not be settling. In fact, the only thing that's settling here is the sediment at the bottom of your putrid water. Get me? Now be sure to take that Grand Central shuttle like I told you, okay? I think you're gonna love it.

Mike

Wow, yeah, that is a tattoo.

Harold

It's cool, right?

Mike

Yeah. A manatee. The slow, gentle cow of the sea.

Harold

Uh uh no, it's a shark actually.

Mike

Totally. No, yes that is- that's a shark. That is a big wide fat shark.

Louis

[enters] You're fired.

Harold

Oh! You can't fire Mike!

Louis

You. You moron. You can't even get your firing right.

Rachel

I figured out what we can bring.

Mike

What?

Rachel

You.

Mike

Panda, right here. That's my favorite piece of art.

Rachel

That is not art.

Mike

Granny gave that to me.

Rachel

Oh, I love it. Panda can come.

Mike

And the chair.

Rachel

Oh.

Mike

That was Grammy's favorite chair.

Rachel

I don't- I don't-

Mike

No, no, no, no, no, I'm telling you, Rachel, she used to sit in that chair every Sunday and drink her hot cup of Hershey's cocoa and tell me all about growing up on the mean streets of Philadelphia.

Rachel

When you lie, try less details.

Mike

Got it.

Mike

I need the perfect gift.

Donna

Hmm, who is it? Rachel? Something personal. Preferably, a picture from her father.

Mike

How could you possibly-

Donna

Jessica? Simple and elegant. Or wild and crazy, the choice is yours. Louis...ohhh. Doesn't matter, just get him anything, he'll cry for days.

Mike

What about Harvey?

Donna

There is no gift for Harvey. He gets what he wants and he doesn't want what he doesn't get. And my knowing that is the only gift he'll ever need from me.