Seinfeld · Season 1
Just tell him that you're my boyfriend and that we're in love, okay? Can you do that?
Yeah, yeah, okay. I'm your boyfriend... Have we been intimate?
Yeah, yeah, we've been intimate.
How often do we do it?
Kramer, how is that important? Honestly, do you really think he's gonna ask you that?
Elaine, he's a psychiatrist. They're interested in stuff like that.
Alright, alright. We do it, uh...five times a week, okay?
Oooh, baby.
If you don't think she's beautiful, there's something wrong with you.
She's pretty. She's not beautiful.
I should drop dead if she's not beautiful.
I think that's a little extreme.
She's alright.
He's a bubble boy!
A bubble boy?!
Yes. A bubble boy.
What's a bubble boy?
He lives in a bubble.
Boy.
[trying to avoid hearing Naomi's obnoxious laugh]
I thought you liked to laugh. I thought you were happy-go-lucky.
No, nah. I'm not happy and I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything, I'm sad-stop-unlucky.
Hahahaha.
That's not funny, Naomi. I didn't mean to be funny there. Why don't you check the TV Guide. I think, uh, Holocaust is on.
(reading one of the letters) "Dear Henry, last night with you was bliss. I fear my..orgasm has left me a cripple. I don't how how I shall ever get back to work. I love you madly, John...P.S. Loved the cabin."
Maybe I'll go visit my mother. She just bought me some new panties and they're all "laid out for me".
Oh god, oh, it's you! You scared me!
Good. Fear is our most primal emotion.
You left your door open.
I know, I like to encourage intruders.
[laughs] What's all this?
Do you like it? My home is a shrine to you.
Where did you get all these pictures?
I took them myself with a telephoto lens. Coming out of your office, your apartment, shopping, showering.
Showering?
I developed them myself in my dark room. Would you like to see?
In the dark room? Uh no, no thank you. Not right now. I'm a day person!
Why don't you just get lost?
Why don't you get lost?!
Because I was standing here, that's why!
Oh, yeah?!
Yeah!
[The man walks away]
I kinda like this opera crowd. I feel tough. Anybody else got a problem?
I was talking to this guy, you know, and I just happened to throw my purse on the sofa and my diaphragm goes flying out. So I just froze, you know, "ahh!", staring at my diaphragm. You know, it's just lying there. So then, this woman, the one who sold me this hair thing, she grabbed it before the guy noticed. So, I mean, big deal, right? So I carry around my diaphragm; who doesn't? Yeah, like it's a big, big secret that women carry around their diaphragms. You never know when you're gonna need it, right?
She's a virgin. I just found out.
Well, I didn't know!
Well, it's not like spotting a toupee.
Hey, what are you doing tonight?
Dating Marla.
Oh, the virgin?
Yeah.
Any, uh...progress, there? What's the latest?
Well, I got my troops amassed along the border - I'm just waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead.
What're you looking at?
There's a naked woman across the street.
[chuckling] This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made in my life. So, my friend, Joyce, is teaching an aerobics class. I'm gonna go tonight.
Yeah...the - the waitress should've taken it back.
So then, I got a call this morning. You know, I was, uh, chosen to go on the space shuttle. We're goin' to Mars.
Uh-huh.
Have a good time.
Listen to the bell, Grossbard. It tolls for thee.
All right, let's go.
I want the magazine!
Umm... No.
You know what I would do to you, if I wasn't in these shackles...
But you are, "Blanche"! You are in the shackles. Oh, I can't wait to read my "Time" magazine! Last copy, too. Maybe I'll read it tomorrow in the park! It's supposed to be a beautiful day! Have a nice life...sentence, that is!
Hey! How come I didn't get a Christmas card? Everybody else got one. Jerry got one, Kramer got one. I thought we were good friends. I don't get a Christmas card. I don't get it.
You want a Christmas card? You want a Christmas card? All right here. [rubs George's head on her breasts] Here's your Christmas card.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Seinfeld pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
