Toby Curtis quotes from Scorpion

Cabe Gallo

You sure you know what you're doing?

Sylvester Dodd

I am a hypochondriac. I've been taking my own blood pressure since I was nine.

Walter O'Brien

Why is Sylvester administering you medical care?

Cabe Gallo

My doctor says my numbers are up. He wants me to check it every morning.

Paige Dineen

You're in good shape. Why would you have high blood pressure?

Toby Curtis

Happy New Year! I got bagels. throws a bagel and hits Cabe

Cabe Gallo

You were saying?

Happy Quinn

It's alright. It's just an accident.

Toby Curtis

Who are you and what have you done with Unhappy Quinn?

Toby Curtis

Is this beef barley? How'd you know my favorite soup?

Ralph Dineen

Eat it. You look awful.

Paige Dineen

Here, lyrics. You're doing the boy part.

Walter O'Brien

OK...I'm doing what?

Paige Dineen

You're doing the boy part.

Toby Curtis

Oh God! I should be recording this.

Walter O'Brien

[sings] Don't go breaking my heart.

All I remember is walking to my car after our date--

Toby Curtis

You didn't walk her to her car? I thought you said it went well!

Walter O'Brien

It's an antiquated sexist notion.

Walter O'Brien

Come on, Toby, this is hazelnut creamer!

Toby Curtis

And that's a table, and that's a chair. I'm pretty good at this game.

Walter O'Brien

You wrote "hazelnut" in front of creamer again on the grocery list. I hate hazelnut!

Toby Curtis

People like flavored creamers.

Walter O'Brien

Creamer is a flavor and you could have just written a different item under it.

Toby Curtis

You could just relax. Don't be such a creamer-screamer.

Walter O'Brien

I'm not screaming, though I could very easily if you don't stop that nonsense you've been pulling.

Toby Curtis

Really?

Walter O'Brien

Yes.

Paige Dineen

OK.

Walter O'Brien

Absolutely.

Paige Dineen

OK, this has gotta end.

Walter O'Brien

What does?

Sylvester Dodd

You two fighting constantly lately.

Cabe Gallo

She's right. You two argue like an old married couple.

Walter O'Brien

He's intentionally antagonistic.

Toby Curtis

Actually, I'm half antagonistic, on my mother's side. But my father? One hundred percent oppositional.

Walter O'Brien

Over the past weeks, your antics have gone from petty annoyance to overtly combative.

Toby Curtis

Objection. Inflammatory.

Paige Dineen

Overruled.

Toby Curtis

Objection. You can't make that call. You two are sweet on each other.

Objection!

Toby Curtis

OK, if we're gonna play kangaroo court: I have to go out of pocket to sweeten my java because all we normally have here is regular creamer.

Happy Quinn

That honey is from Kovelsky's, it's free.

Toby Curtis

Immaterial.

Paige Dineen

You know what? You both suck. Your bickering is making everyone miserable.

Sylvester Dodd

Copy that.

Paige Dineen

You're being sent to couple's therapy.

Happy Quinn

Awesome!

Walter O'Brien

What? No.

Toby Curtis

I'm with jerkface.

Paige Dineen

Well, too bad. I manage this ball club.

Cabe Gallo

You heard the judge.

Walter O'Brien

I'm sorry.

Toby Curtis

Huh?

Walter O'Brien

For whatever I did that made you so mad at me. I mean, I know I have relationship problems. I barely speak to my parents, and I can't date a woman for more than a few months. But I do try to be a cognizant friend to you, to Happy, Sly, 'cause we're supposed to understand each other....But if I'm making you so upset to where you're arguing with me about minutia, and I don't even know what I'm doing wrong, then I am not making as much progress as what I thought. It's disheartening.

Walter O'Brien

I want to be a good friend, and not drive people crazy.

Toby Curtis

OK, that's it, I can't take the guilt anymore. Walter, you didn't do anything. Truth is, we both know I'm a little self-destructive and lately I've been on this roll. I love my job, I'm even doin' well at the ponies, and I can sabotage myself when I have all that I want. What is more self-destructive than picking a fight with your boss? Look man, I've never been happier in my life, and I don't know how to handle that, so I become a pain in the tuchas. That's on me. I'm sorry.

Walter O'Brien

Wow, that's messed up.

Toby Curtis

[using a puppet and mocking voice] My name's Walter O'Brien. I have the fourth-highest IQ ever recorded, 197. Einstein's was 160.

Walter O'Brien

Yes, they're both facts.

But what is he saying?

Walter O'Brien

Mm-hmm.

Toby Curtis

I'm saying you have a superiority complex.

Walter O'Brien

But I am superior.

Ah, ah, ah! If you want your feelings to be felt, you must use the felt.

Walter O'Brien

[using puppet] My name is Toby. I went to Harvard. I chase Happy Quinn around like a schoolboy. I probably wear this hat in the shower.

Toby Curtis

You see? Just attacks the hat.

Nah, forget the hat. The hat is stupid. Who's Happy Quinn? Walter might have some unconscious concerns about her to bring her up now.

Walter O'Brien

No, very conscious. His obsession with her affects his efficacy.

Toby Curtis

She's not...she's a friend, friend from work.

Toby Curtis

What the hell is that?

That's my nuttin' button. When you say something that's nuttin' but a lie [buzz].

Toby Curtis

I didn't lie.

Lie by ommission. You said friend twice, back to back. Repetitive proximity pattern. You and Happy are more than friends.

Toby Curtis

Please, I'm not about to be analyzed by someone whose degree came with pop-up ads.

Right to dismissive word choice.

Walter O'Brien

There's no fraternization at work.

Toby Curtis

We're not fraternizing at work.

Notice his use of the qualifier "at work"?

Walter O'Brien

He did! He used a qualifier!

Toby Curtis

Yeah, but... No!

Tobias, a little rumscuttle with someone you care about, nothing to be ashamed of. But therapy only works in conjunction with honesty. So, are you involved in amorous congress with Miss Quinn or not? We await your answer.

Toby Curtis

Oh crap.

Ralph Dineen

I can't believe Walter bought us a cotton candy machine!

Walter O'Brien

Yeah, I can't believe it either. But it just got delivered here?

Toby Curtis

I didn't know what was in the box, I just signed for it. Someone must have stolen your credit card number.

Sylvester Dodd

You were mad at Walter, so you charged a bunch of expensive nonsense to the corporate card just to annoy him?

Toby Curtis

Your Super Fun Guy pinball machine arrives tomorrow.

Sylvester Dodd

Sweet.

Hey, I got a pair of jet skis for O'Brien.

Happy Quinn

Let's get out of here before you get fired.

Toby Curtis

Yep.

Keep your voice down, I don't want anyone hearin' this.

Cabe Gallo

You kiddin' me?

Toby Curtis

We only heard all of it.

Toby Curtis

I don't often play the med school card, but I went to Harvard.

Happy Quinn

Seriously?

Toby Curtis

First thing when you wanna get something out of someone: make them comfortable. Don't say anything blunt or harsh. In other words, Happy, don't be yourself.

Happy Quinn

I'd be offended by that if it weren't so true.

Toby Curtis

Oh my God.

Sylvester Dodd

I know. Long rap sheet for a juvenile.

Toby Curtis

No, I mean his student council photo. Are those parachute pants?