Rick and Morty quotes

Step one — we blend in as bugs working for the Department of Transportation. My guy Cisco will be at the back door at 7:00 a.m.

Who's Cisco?

My inside man. Don't worry.

Okay, but what if he doesn't show up?

What's that supposed to mean? You don't even know Cisco.

Which is very concerning since this plan seems very dependent on him.

So let me finish the plan.

Fine.

Step two — Cisco provides us with security credentials for the maintenance tunnels.

And if he doesn't show, what's our backup plan?

I use Cisco so that I don't need a backup plan.

Step three — we quickly and quietly patch into the surveillance grid.

Wait. How 'd we get there?

With the credentials we got from Cisco.

So in other words, if Cisco--

Cisco has never not shown up!

Can I just ask, what does someone have to do to achieve the level of trust you place in this random man?

I trust plenty of people.

Name two.

Uh, easy — Birdperson and Cisco.

Cisco's at the same level as Birdperson?!

What the FUCK?!

I-I-It was his idea! Don't hurt us, I'm not a real doctor!

What are you doing here?! Get the fuck outta my car!

We're coming with you to rescue our friends.

I'm not going to rescue your friends – I'm going to kill those guys who stole my shit!

Yeah, exactly. It's the same guys.

[nodding] It is the same guys...

Flush us into space or keep driving.

Fuckin' Mortys...!

Well, now! My associates here tell me you rustled up quite the score! Oddjob, your, uh, normal job, please.

I can monologue while we wait. You ever wonder why I'm an overweight Southern railroad baron? See, I was cloned to be the mascot of a Citadel gumbo chain. "Get yo' mouth round it!" But Big Rick's Gumbo Hutch is trash now. Whole Citadel is trash now. And there ain't no peckin' order amongst the trash.

What a utopia.

It will be, once I have the requisite Mortys. We can all be kings here, Mr. Trafficker!

Good luck with that. [leaves]

Don't go spendin' it all in one place, y'all! [to Oddjob Rick] Filthy degenerate. No accent at all.

You certainly are a bur in my saddle.

You're a joke.

I'm whatever I wanna be! That's the freedom of life as a clone! You wouldn't know – someone made you with sex! All those sweaty parts and nibbly bits! You disgust me!

[laughs and coughs] It's over, man... your dream's about to be gumbo. "Get... yo' mouth round it."

You know me? F-F... Father?!

Oh! [chuckles] Oh, no, no. Y-You're under the delusion of something called the auteur myth. Truth is, any big project is made in collaboration. Lots of delegating. I sort of... gave notes.

I don't wanna hear this!

Good news... you don't have to. Au revoir, son. [activates a detonator]

You WRETCH!

Jerry

Doesn't anyone celebrate Easter anymore? I-I don't wanna force people to go to church or anything, but--

Can you even tell me what Easter is about?

Jerry

It's when Christ was born. Or... was murdered, maybe, I don't know. But we eat candy to remember. It's important!

Jerry, if it wasn't for the aisle at Costco, you wouldn't even know it was happening.

Yeah, Dad. Example: when's Christmas?

Jerry

December 25th.

And what's today's date?

Jerry

I... A-- Ap-- April!

You're about to learn the tragic fate of the Oak Point High lacrosse team, but this podcast won't cash in on their specific and particularly gruesome group decapitation.

[turns off the radio] Too bad. Someone else will.

It's a big market, man.

Morty, don't just respond, find a podcast without scruples.

Cryoship detected.

Ooh, power's still online? [belches] What do you think, Morty? A bunch of sleeping beauties - wanna go tap on some glass?

Err, that could be fun! W-We haven't done one of those in a while.

Welcome to Bloodbath, the podcast that's only grisly details!

[belches again] Now we're talking!

All Earth theme parks end the same way! Jurassic Park, Westworld – even the rides inside the theme parks tell the same story! You're on a boat ride when suddenly, you take a detour to a waterfall, and now you're in a pirate's den, forced to suck dick to stay alive! [cackles madly]

Summer

Why would you do this?!

The greatest tribute to Earth is a theme park that ends in CHAOS!

[kissing Morty] Ooooh, say something racist!

What?!

Come on! You're human, it's your whole thing.

Uh... Italians make... pretty... pretty good pizza?

No, do it hateful, you disgusting little bug.

[hearing the destruction outside] Uh... did you hear that?

Now you're pretending there's some kind of emergency?! I tried to be vulnerable with you! If you don't think I'm pretty, just say so.

[pushing her away] I'm sorry, but I-I'm not some sexual fantasy. I'm a whole person!

Come on! You guys basically invented racism! If I wanted to fuck something good, I wouldn't have come to Earth World!

Jerry

Why are we dunking on Rick? He's been a loving dad to our family for as long as I can remember.

Excuse me?

Jerry

Remember him at our wedding and Morty's birth? And that time he invented PB&J. Rick's great.

What?

Mom is trapped in a box in the sub-basement. I'm the only one who can save her. This is how we stay a family.

Now what?!

I-- I don't know! This is as far as I've planned! I-- I've never actually had to be a parent!

Should we go back?

Rick hates me and he pulled you out of his head. He'll just kill us!

Well, if there's no way out, should we just Thelma and Lousie this?

Wait, what?!

Beth, you're real! Don't do this!

Honey, we'll be fine!

I can't live without you!

Honey, please!

This! Is how! We stay! A family!

Beth, no!

Wait! If this is a recent memory, doesn't that mean she already--?

I'm so confused, Space Beth! I hear-- I hear so many voices! I remember loving my Dad and then hating my Dad...!

That's just called being alive, sweetie. I wasn't there for you, and someone took advantage of that. But I'm here now. Your real dad is here, Beth, and he's more emotionally open.

He seems nice.

Why didn't we get that version of Dad?

What the fuck are you doing here? Are you gonna replace me?

Not sure what you're talking about?

Uh-huh, homewrecker!

You see this? All this messy... whatever this is? It's weakness.

Fuck you.

Ha! You know what? Maybe I will steal your grandpa. But not because I love him... Because you do. Here we go! Two kinds of milkshakes for the two kinds of Mortys -- the one who does whatever he wants and the one who sucks my grandpa's dick. You know what? I'll drink both milkshakes.

[on a recording] You think it's fun to be a god, Ted? You think God's nipples get hard when he murders a fish?