Ren & Stimpy "Adult Party Cartoon" · Season 1
What a dump! I'm sorry Stimpy, but I'm just too damn tired tonight. I just gotta get some sleep. Bugger off okay?
But, Ren.
What is it now, Stimpy?
I have needs.
Oh, I don't give a rat's ass about your needs. [gets an idea] Oh, Stimpy! Close your eyes and pucker up.
Joy!
Oh, what I'm going to do to Stimpy. Oh yes, it's so good, look. Look, a rat's ass. Here it is!
What did I just tell you?! Who's the pitcher, who's the catcher?!
You're the pitcher, I'm the catcher! You're the pitcher, I'm the catcher! See? [points to a chalkboard indicating said terms]
What do you think is the difference between boogers and goobers, Stimpinton?
A stooge question, Renwick. Why don't we ask the greatest genius in the world.
Who's that?
Dr. Stupid. Who else?
[Ren changes the channel, showing Stimpy as Dr. Stupid.]
Today's question is, what is the difference between boogers and goobers? Actually, the difference is merely superficial. These are just two different words that both represent wet things. More specifically, wet things that come from inside your head.
Thank you, Dr. Stupid.
[The scene changes back to Ren and Stimpy in the spittoon.]
[chuckles] Wet things that come from your... "HOELS". ["holes"]
Don’t put those horrible chemicals in your hair, Ren.
Why?
[Digs for something from under the tub. It’s revealed to be “Farmer Hanky”] Here! [Closeup of the can] Use all natural Farmer Hanky’s shampoo.
I’d like to try it.
Oh, my God! The spitoon’s filled with vermin! [Sucks his spit back in and swallows. Cut to another guy, who appears to be sleeping in his own puke]
That’s disgusting! [He sucks the puke back into his head. Another guy sucks in his snot, and a chicken sucks in its eggs. A guy with 1 eye takes the other eye in his glass and sucks it into where his other eye would’ve been. The bartender notices the chaos]
[While a glass breaks] Holy crap! [Looks around] I’m gonna lose all my BUSINESS! [Cut to everyone in the spittoon terrified and screaming at Ren and Stimpy, who’s still in the vase] I better do something fast! [He jumps over and looks at Ren and Stimpy with a cold look. Ren and Stimpy descend into the vase, but the bartender grabs the vase] Get out of my FUCKING bar you vermin sons of bitches! [He dumps them outside, and he and the others start spitting at them]
We made it, Stimpy! No more eating filthy socks out of garbage cans! No more destitute living! We've arrived! We're gonna be wheels! We'll be running the firehouse! Living high on the hog!
[Ren and Stimpy celebrate by dancing and playing flute music.]
And all because the chief loves us!
Pals like to punch each other, right? [Stimpy nods and Ren shakes his head; the Fire Chief lets his stomach out onto the table, knocking their plates to the floor with a crash] Go ahead Eddie, give it your best shot!
How many partners are there that are best friends, too? Right, partner?
[The fire chief is reminded of his older partners, and becomes emotional.]
[yelling] Screw you, Charlie! Screw you, Lucy! [sadly] Do you love me, Tommy? Tommy, do you love me?
He loves you. Tommy loves you, Chief.
SHUT UP! I wanna hear it from Tommy's lips.
[Ren speaks in a strained voice as Stimpy moves his lips.]
I... love... you...
Good!
[The fire chief is unable to flush his poop down the toilet.]
Yikes! Hey, fellas, get rid of this thing! My date's gonna be here any minute!
Yes, sir! I'm on that.
[Stimpy starts plunging the toilet. The fire chief hears his date's car outside.]
Cripes, she's here!
[Stimpy plunges the toilet faster.]
Get rid of it quick, Eddie! You don't want to make me look bad in front of my date, do ya?!
[The fire chief hears the elevator coming up.]
Kill it! She's gettin' outta the elevator! Take care of it, Eddie, hurry up!
[Stimpy tries to plunge the toilet even harder. The fire chief hears the doorbell and panics.]
She's here! She's at the door! FLUSH IT, FLUSH IT! FLUSH IT, YOU IDIOT!
[Stimpy throws the plunger away and tries to flush the toilet, but it doesn't work either.]
I can't! It doesn't wanna go!
Smash it down, asshole!
[Stimpy falls from the chain and falls flat on the toilet.]
DO SOMETHING, DO SOMETHING, DO SOMETHING!!! SMASH IT! KILL IT! KILL IT!
[The fire chief frantically growls at Stimpy as he tries other methods to get rid of the poop, but it's no use. Just then, the chief's date knocks at the door and rings the doorbell, making him even more frantic.]
Get rid of it now, or I'll cut you down to 10 percent!
[Ren is horrified upon hearing this. The chief's date knocks on the door again.]
5 PERCENT!
[Ren starts panicking. The chief's date continues ringing the doorbell.]
2 PERCENT!!!
[screams at Stimpy] Do something, you eediot, or we'll lose everything!
[Having no other choice, Stimpy pulls the poop out of the toilet with his hands.]
Stimpy, how big is that thing?!
It's bigger than a baby, Ren!
[Stimpy runs off with the poop.]
Atta boy, Tommy, go! Not the front door, you idiot! Use the fire escape! Go, go, go, go, go!
[The fire chief wakes up in the middle of the night.]
[screams; panicking] Circus midgets! They're everywhere! Pull 'em off me, daddy! I can't stand 'em! They're crawlin' on me! They're eatin' me alive! Aah, aah! Pull 'em off me!
I love you guys. You're fired.
Wow, Ren! What a great idea you had to come to the beach today. I didn’t know you’re in to such clean, wholesome fun.
I'm not afraid of anything living. But when it comes to spooks, them spooks give me the heebie-jeebies!
Stimpy!
[Takes a step forward, holding the cross up forward] You can’t hurt me!
Oh, Stimpy!
[Takes another step forward] I’m not afraid of you! [Swipes his cross] Get ‘em, Jesus!
What the hell are you doing up there?!
Away-ko! Away-ka-bo!
Stimpy, if you don’t get over here this instant…!
Go away, spooks! [Swipes his cross]
I’m gonna make you wish you were dead! [Stimpy gasps again as we cut back to Ren looking through the pipe]
You eediot! You woke me up in the middle of a perfect dream!
Don't you lay a hand on me. Not in my condition.
Condition? What condition?
I've been trying to figure out how to tell you!
Tell me what?! Spit it out, man!
I'm gonna have your... BABY!!!
WHAAAAAT?! I'll take care of that!
[Ren finds a coat hanger and attempts to use it on Stimpy.]
[screams] Don't you DARE put that nasty instrument in me!
You said you used protection!
I thought I was barren! You must have powerful seed! [crying] FORGIVE ME, REN!
Get away from me! Sorceress! [turns away from Stimpy] Crap! Crap! Crap! We haven't had a job... in six years! What are we going to raise him on? KITTY LITTER?!
Calm down, Ren.
Calm down?! CALM DOWN?! YOU ASK ME TO CALM DOWN?! You're the one that's p-p-p... POISONED!
Poisoned? Is that what you call it? That poison is our lovechild. Just think, Ren. It could be a little you running around here.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Ren & Stimpy "Adult Party Cartoon" pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
