Marty quotes from Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased)

Marty

I don't like the way the fellow outside keeps checking his ammunition!

Marty

Well, I'll be seeing you, Jeff. One way or the other.

Jeff

Glide through the wall.

Marty

Glide?

Jeff

Well, what kind of a ghost are you? Try, at least!

Marty

Just like that?

Jeff

Well, I can't do anything, can I? And if I start telling Jeannie that her late husband is being blackmailed by the ghost of a Prohibition gangster, she'll go spare!

But why were they going to so much trouble at the cemetery?

Jeff

Um ... an alibi. They needed you for an alibi.

Oh? But how did you find out?

Jeff

Me? Well, yes ... um . . .

Marty

She told you.

Jeff

You told me.

I did? When?

Jeff

When.

Marty

When Jeannie said she needed the watch.

Jeff

The watch. Marty's watch. Remember?

Yes, but I only said I wanted it for the night.

Marty

Exactly.

Jeff

Exactly.

But how?

Marty

Why else would she need it?

Jeff

Why else would you need it?

Why Jeff! I never realized you were such a good detective.

Marty

Ha!

Jeff

Thanks.

Marty

What was all that about?

Jeff

I was just accepting your next case.

Marty

My next case?

Jeff

Yeah. I want you to get over to Merston Manor, take statements from everyone concerned, find out what they're up to.

Marty

Get statements. That's nice. Jeff, are you feeling all right?

Jeff

Fine. And don't let anyone give you any nonsense, 'cause they're all trespassing.

Marty

Who's trespassing?

Jeff

The ghosts. Perfect for you.

Marty

Jeff. Now you know I don't like that sort of thing. Haunted houses give . . . I've got a nervous disposition!

Jeff

You've also got a death certificate, so get over there and find out who's doing all the screaming.

Marty

Screaming?

Marty

But a haunted house, Jeff! On my own!

Jeff

If it is haunted you won't be on your own, will you, and you might even pick up a few tips! Now go!

Marty

I'm telling you, Jeff, I was terrified.

Jeff

Well, what of? If it's haunted, you should be delighted. Somewhere to go on your night off.

Marty

Very funny.

Jeff

Look, Marty, ghosts are nothing to be scared of.

Marty

How do you know?

Jeff

Because I live with one!

Marty

That is different!

Jeff

Oh yeah? Do I go running around screaming every time you jump out of the woodwork? No. I talk to you like a normal, rational individual. So all you have to do is to go down there and have a nice quiet chat with whoever is doing the haunting!

Marty

Supposing it isn't a nice quiet ghost? For all I know, it can be some silly fool waving a sword about, straight out of Macbeth. And my head is not ending up on a plate for anybody.

Jeff

You're fired!

Marty

Fired? What do you mean, fired? You ran away as well. And anyway, you can't fire a partner, especially a dead one.

Jeff

Don't get technical.

Marty

I told you that place was haunted. You wouldn't believe me, would you?

Jeff

What do you think I put you on the case for? I asked you to take one look. One lousy, rotten look.

Marty

Right. You're forgetting one thing. If I can see him, he can see me. And whatever it was he was dragging around, it wasn't a good conduct medal.

Jeff

Suppose he's still playing Marty Hopkirk. Now where would you have taken her after all this time?

Marty

Oh come on, Jeff, what do you mean where would I have taken her? I wouldn't have taken her anywhere!

Jeff

Now if you'd stop being so stupidly possessive and think Marty! It's important!

Marty

Where would I have taken her?

Jeff

Right.

Jeff

What, this time of year?

Marty

Yeah, Jeannie hated it.

Marty

You're hitting the bottle a bit early, aren't you Jeff?

Jeff

I'm not hitting the bottle, Marty. I'm celebrating!

Marty

Celebrating what?

Jeff

A new partnership!

Marty

A what?! A partner? A new partner, just like that? Charming!

Jeff

Now don't get in a state, Marty . . .

Jeff

Oh, great. Yeah, we'd all get together down at the cemetery, they'd like that.

Marty

I do not live in a cemetery!

Jeff

That's the address on your death certificate. Anyway, it's only for one case. He's a detective from New York and he needs a bit of help.

Marty

Oh. Well, why didn't you say so?

Jeff

Because I didn't have a chance.

Marty

Listen, Bream. You're going to go straight to Scotland Yard and tell them about that body.

Not a chance. And don't try anything, or I'll tell them to pick you up as well.

Marty

Try anything. What can I do? [Pause.] Except haunt you, of course.

Say what?

Marty

Haunt you. I suppose you do believe in ghosts?

Oh, sure. All the time.

Marty

Good. Because I'm a ghost.

Jeff

You're not backing out again, are you Marty?

Marty

No, but I'm very busy at the moment.

Jeff

What time's the kickoff?

Marty

Three o'cl . . . [he stops, realizing he's been caught out]

Jeff

Come on, we'll get the car.

Marty

She's getting undressed!

Jeff

So what?

Marty

Now look, Jeff. Jeannie wouldn't like it much.

Jeff

Well, Jeannie won't see it.

Marty

Unless you tell her.

Jeff

Well, they'd put me away if I told her. Now get back in there!

Marty

Come on, Jeff. You've got to open up a bit. You're in this pretty deep, you know.

Jeff

I know how deep I'm in, I don't need you to remind me.

Marty

What is it then, some sort of trouble? Blackmail? Is that it? You're being forced to, to cooperate?

Jeff

You're way out.

Marty

Well, to my way of thinking, there's only one possibility left. You were there on Tuesday, and you were there because you wanted to be. That's it, isn't it? You've conned me, the inspector, your own lawyer . . . everybody. Me!

Jeff

Look, Marty, why don't you go to wherever you go to until this thing blows over.

Marty

Oh no, it's not as easy as that, Jeff. I'm supposed to be your friend, someone you turn to. Not someone you make a fool of the minute something goes wrong!

Marty

All right. If that's the way you want it, I'm going.

Jeff

Marty?

Marty

Yes?

Marty

Right.