Marty: Poor Jeannie. What'll happen to her now that I've gone?
Jeff: You mean what'll happen to her now that you've come back!
Characters
My Late, Lamented Friend and Partner
Glide through the wall.
Glide?
Well, what kind of a ghost are you? Try, at least!
Never Trust a Ghost
Jeff: I don't care if it explains why the Marie Celeste was abandoned by all hands in a calm sea, I still don't want to know!*
Marty: What sort of partnership have we got?
A posthumous one, not recognized by law!
Murder Ain't What It Used to Be!
Marty: Right. I told you that yesterday, but you wouldn't believe me, would you, I'm just a ghost, aren't I, fine for looking 'round corners and blowing up balloons, but when it comes to real detection it's Razor-Edge Randall!
[Jeff and Marty are discussing what to do about Bugsy, a gangster ghost]
Jeff: You're the ghost, you sort him out.
Just like that?
Well, I can't do anything, can I? And if I start telling Jeannie that her late husband is being blackmailed by the ghost of a Prohibition gangster, she'll go spare!
Whoever Heard of a Ghost Dying?
[Jeannie is trying to make sense of the attempt to exorcise Marty]
JJeannie
But why were they going to so much trouble at the cemetery?
Um ... an alibi. They needed you for an alibi.
JJeannie
Oh? But how did you find out?
Me? Well, yes ... um . . .
She told you.
You told me.
JJeannie
I did? When?
When.
When Jeannie said she needed the watch.
The watch. Marty's watch. Remember?
JJeannie
Yes, but I only said I wanted it for the night.
Exactly.
Exactly.
JJeannie
But how?
Why else would she need it?
Why else would you need it?
JJeannie
Why Jeff! I never realized you were such a good detective.
Ha!
Thanks.
The House on Haunted Hill
What was all that about?
I was just accepting your next case.
My next case?
Yeah. I want you to get over to Merston Manor, take statements from everyone concerned, find out what they're up to.
Get statements. That's nice. Jeff, are you feeling all right?
Fine. And don't let anyone give you any nonsense, 'cause they're all trespassing.
Who's trespassing?
The ghosts. Perfect for you.
Jeff. Now you know I don't like that sort of thing. Haunted houses give . . . I've got a nervous disposition!
You've also got a death certificate, so get over there and find out who's doing all the screaming.
Screaming?
But a haunted house, Jeff! On my own!
If it is haunted you won't be on your own, will you, and you might even pick up a few tips! Now go!
I'm telling you, Jeff, I was terrified.
Well, what of? If it's haunted, you should be delighted. Somewhere to go on your night off.
Very funny.
Look, Marty, ghosts are nothing to be scared of.
How do you know?
Because I live with one!
That is different!
Oh yeah? Do I go running around screaming every time you jump out of the woodwork? No. I talk to you like a normal, rational individual. So all you have to do is to go down there and have a nice quiet chat with whoever is doing the haunting!
Supposing it isn't a nice quiet ghost? For all I know, it can be some silly fool waving a sword about, straight out of Macbeth. And my head is not ending up on a plate for anybody.
You're fired!
Fired? What do you mean, fired? You ran away as well. And anyway, you can't fire a partner, especially a dead one.
Don't get technical.
I told you that place was haunted. You wouldn't believe me, would you?
What do you think I put you on the case for? I asked you to take one look. One lousy, rotten look.
Right. You're forgetting one thing. If I can see him, he can see me. And whatever it was he was dragging around, it wasn't a good conduct medal.
When Did You Start to Stop Seeing Things?
[Jeff is waiting for Marty to rescue him and Jeannie]
Jeff: I can't understand what's keeping him!
Jeannie: Keeping who?
The one person who knows we're here.
Jeannie [surprised]: Who's that?
Well, the way things are going, you'll be meeting him again pretty soon.
The Man From Nowhere
Suppose he's still playing Marty Hopkirk. Now where would you have taken her after all this time?
Oh come on, Jeff, what do you mean where would I have taken her? I wouldn't have taken her anywhere!
Now if you'd stop being so stupidly possessive and think Marty! It's important!
Where would I have taken her?
Right.
Marty Well, we used to go hill walking in Scotland.
What, this time of year?
Yeah, Jeannie hated it.
When the Spirit Moves You
You're hitting the bottle a bit early, aren't you Jeff?
I'm not hitting the bottle, Marty. I'm celebrating!
Celebrating what?
A new partnership!
A what?! A partner? A new partner, just like that? Charming!
Now don't get in a state, Marty . . .
Marty [in a state]: State? Who's in a state? I'm not in a state! I just thought, well, you might have consulted me first, that's all.
Oh, great. Yeah, we'd all get together down at the cemetery, they'd like that.
I do not live in a cemetery!
That's the address on your death certificate. Anyway, it's only for one case. He's a detective from New York and he needs a bit of help.
Oh. Well, why didn't you say so?
Because I didn't have a chance.
There are some things you can do, Marty, and some things you can't, but when it comes to tailing a man, and keeping out of sight, you're the best in the business.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased) pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.