If I've got a mothball in this hand and a mothball in that hand, what have I got?
Two mothballs?
No, a rather excited moth.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
In Britain in 1994, you might be interested to know, there were an astonishing range of accidents reported by the, erm … [deep breath] … Trade and Industries Consumer Safety Units Home Accidents Surveillance History Report. Eight people in the UK in '94 were injured by placemats. Thirteen sustained cruet injuries. Five were wounded by dustpans. Eight suffered as a result of a breadbin accident. Five were hurt by sieves. Fourteen fell foul of a serving trolley. Seventeen were treated for injuries caused by a draught excluder. Four hundred and seventy-six people were injured while on the lavatory … there you are. Underwear hurt eleven people.
How many of those people were drunk?
Well, exactly. Or how many of them were sexually experimental?
[discussing the naked chef who won the only race of the first ancient Olympics]
He, of course, won by a short head- no... After his final spurt- NO, shut up!
What is bottomry?
It's the opposite of topiary.
What is the commonest material in the world?
Jim Davison's.
Alan, even I can work out that when you know the answer, never give it, cos it’s always the one they’re hoping we’ll say.
The huntsman spider is the only spider with lungs.
So you can get it a birthday cake with a candle on.
[On Larry LaPrise, the inventor of the Hokey Pokey]
He died in 1996; what happened at his funeral?
Oh, it was terrible, they couldn't get him into his coffin.
Why was that?
Well, they put the left leg in … Then the trouble started.
[On the subject of what music do spiders like]
They've got eight legs; they'd appreciate a one-man band.
[...]
MGMark Gatiss
Kylie Minogue
Why's that?
MGMark Gatiss
Spinning Around
[...]
But I don't think spiders are that into puns.
Well, the answer to this question is, it does seem to be classical music. They did an experiment, er, and they found that ...
MGMark Gatiss
Who are "they"? Who are "they"?
University of Ohio, in this instance, is "they". Or are "they".
The University of Fuck-All-Else-Better-To-Do.
LSLinda Smith
Formerly the Polytechnic of Fuck-All-Else-To-Do.
I'm not as stupid as you think.
No, you're not. You couldn't be.
What would your super power be of choice?
Invisibility.
Really?
Yeah, I think. Ah, it'd be great. What would you like?
I would like to have no bodily smell.
I would like to travel ahead in time, but only by two seconds. I could go 'gesundheit', and you [points at Stephen] would sneeze.
Scientists have managed to create a big bar, a huge one ton metal bar, which is just a fraction of a degree above zero.
PJPhil Jupitus
There's bound to be one scientist, that goes in with the big iron bar one day... [looks around, firmly presses tongue against table] ...Ohhh, not again.
[repeatedly, after having switched seats with Stephen]
...This question is for Stephen Fry.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's QI pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.