JMDr. John Mayer
My postulate is that people are rude—
Oh! There it is! Thank you, folks! Good night, everybody!
[The credits roll, but then cut back to the show]
What? There's more show? Damn!
S4 E8Manners
GGloria
If you're in a restaurant with a tablecloth, you do not eat a hamburger with your fingers. Rather, you take your knife, cut it in half, and eat one half.
(voice over) Have some self-respect, Gloria. If the chef at this world-class restaurant thought his hamburger would be better eaten in halves, he would have cut the fucking sandwich himself!! You ignorant, self-serving, kill-joy, nit-picking, burger-cutting bitch!! Whore! Asshole! Cunt.
S4 E10Abstinence
[The scene cuts to a woman walking through a parking lot carrying large manila shipping envelopes.]
To learn about abstinence, we told our producer we wanted to talk to a woman with really… huge… envelopes. He's foreign. He didn't know that in America, every plural noun means "tits".
JEJoycelyn Elders
I'm against abstinence programs because I really consider "abstinence only" child abuse.
Oh, SNAP.
Today, a disturbing 35% of our school districts require that abstinence be taught as the only option for teens. Even worse, these programs prohibit the discussion of contraception, unless it's about that stupid small percentage of time when it doesn't work. Fuck! When did Washington turn into the Vatican?
[Steve Trombley, Chicago president/CEO of Planned Parenthood, talks about "abstinence only" programs.]
STSteve Trombley
I think, in fact, we should really call it "ignorance only" education.
. . .
STSteve Trombley
We teach abstinence in every course we do…
[voiceover] Yeah! Planned Parenthood tells kids not having sex is okay, too! The difference is they realize that kids don't fucking listen.
STSteve Trombley
But we also live in the real world, and we know that over half of teenagers in this country engage in sexual activity.
[Cut back to Elders.]
JEJoycelyn Elders
We've tried ignorance for a thousand years. It's time we try education.
Now, we're not saying you should have sex because so many other people are. We're saying you should make your own rules, decide what's good for you, based on what you think is important. And don't let anything be thrust into you against your will — not a dick, and not someone else's psycho-religious kink.
So what have we learned? The U.S. government continues to dump hundreds of millions of our dollars a year into misleading, religion-based, anti-sex education. The only good thing about the program? It doesn't work. Most kids just ignore it. Sure, we're throwing away money, but only really religious kids are hurt by it. Our religion-based government can't fuck us up on this because bullshit detection is written into our genes. The sex switch gets turned on at puberty, and no matter how much government or religion twists the truth, they're fighting the honest beauty of love and sex. That's like bringing a knife to a gun fight.
S5 E1Obesity
[Penn talks about how people should not try to stop eating because we are wired to eat.]
If you have the willpower to overcome several billion years of evolution, cool, more for the rest of us. And you can stop fucking too, cool, more for the rest of us. Thanks.
You know, our pal Marvin Minsky, pioneer of Artificial Intelligence at MIT, says: "I don't work out because we don't know yet enough about the long-term effects. It appears that each hour of exercise may add two hours to one's life - but I don't know of any evidence that this leads to getting better ideas."
S5 E2Wal-Mart
[A hippie scene, while Teller is painting a Wal-Mart vest on a woman's otherwise bared torso]
Now hold on, this isn't some Wal-Mart lovefest. Sometimes, they're really assholes when they want to be. In 2000, Wal-Mart reportedly paid $50 million to settle a lawsuit filed in Colorado by 69,000 workers who had been forced to work off the clock. In December 2005, Wal-Mart had to pay $172 million to 116,000 California employees for not giving them their legally mandated 30-minute lunch breaks. So that's at least, uhh... 185,000 people who had a legitimate beef. And, uhh... don't spread it around, but I'm kind of, sort of a Target guy myself.
The fight to stop Wal-Mart has happened in small towns and big cities alike, all across the country. We went to one of those towns: Greenfield, Massachusetts, population 18,000. Greenfield is not just "Everyone's Hometown". It is, most importantly, my hometown.
S5 E4Detoxing
[Penn stresses the importance of colon cancer screening, while displaying images from his own colonoscopy.]
And then there's this asshole... Sometimes it must seem like I'm talking out my asshole. This time, I literally am.
[After hearing a colonic irrigation "therapist" say that a colonic irrigation treatment cleans out junk that lodges in a subject's colon]
That's bullshit. Your colon is not an English muffin. It doesn't have nooks and crannies. If we didn't put Chris through all this stupid shit today, he would've simply shat out all that shit tomorrow. It's as easy as that.
S5 E5Exorcism
[A videotape of an exorcism is shown. On video, the minister prays over the subject, pours oil on his head, and then throws a bucket of water over him.]
(Voiceover) Apparently these demons are vulnerable to a splash of olive oil. Maybe they're made of low density lipoproteins?
SSubject
[on video] Ugggh! Get away from me! You motherfucking asshole!
(Voiceover) Took the words right out of my mouth.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Penn & Teller: Bullshit! pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.