[Two Hispanic men looking like Penn & Teller come up to the camera. The subtitles are in the corresponding (inaccurate) translation of the language - English subtitles for spoken Spanish, Spanish subtitles for spoken English]
FPFaux Penn
Me llamo Penn Jillette, y éste es mi socio Teller. ¿Qué chingados está pensando este güey? Los inmigrantes tomamos los trabajos que nadie quiere hacer y eso mejora--
[Translation: My name is Penn Jillette and this is my partner, Teller. What the fuck is that asshole thinking? "Illegal" immigrants are taking the jobs that no one wants to do and that's quickly improving our way of life.]
What the fuck? What the fucking fuck? What the f— get the fuck out of here! These are our jobs! What the— what the fuck? Star! These are our jobs!
[Translation: ¡Largate de aqui! ¡Estos son nos trabajos! ¡Star! ¡Estos son nos trabajos!]
SStar
[off camera] But the other guys are cheaper!
[Translation: Pero los otros tipos son mas baratos.]
You are so fucking fired. And turn off this subtitle shit! This is America!
[Translation: Estas tan despedido, pendejo. ¡Apaga ese pinche subtitulo. Estamos en los Estados Unidos!]
[Teller kicks the subtitle header, it veers off view]
FPFaux Penn
Mientras América ofrezca la libertad y la oportunidad, las personas vendrán aquí con las rodillas manchadas de sangre. ¡Simón, güey! Como sus abuelos o bisabuelos lo hicieron. Una persona valiente para dejar su casa, la tradición, y la familia, para venir a América y trabajar para una mejor vida, para él o para ella misma y su familia, deberán de recibirlos con los pinches brazos abiertos.
[Translation: As long as America offers freedom and opportunity, people will come here on bloodied knees. Fuck yeah! Just like your parents or great grandparents did. A person brave enough to leave home, tradition, and family, to come to America and work for a better life, for him or herself and his or her family, should be welcomed with open fucking arms.]
And if you can mow lawn, or build fences, or juggle, or do tricks, or write comedy better or cheaper than what we've got, we'll hire your fucking ass. And will use all the time and money and effort you're saving us to-- to live a little. And you know, it's still our names on the fucking show. See, I told you we'd get tits in the show somehow.
[Translation: Y si tu corta cespedes o costruye las cercas, o juegos malabares o, hace las artimanas o escribe la comedia mejor o mas barata que lo que hemos obtenido, emplearemos la bola de cabrones. Y utilizaremos todo el tiempo y el dinero el esfuerzo que salvas, a vivir un poco. Y tu sabes, todavia estan nuestros nombres en el show. Ya ves, que de alguna manera los agaramos.]
"Provide a Clear and Comprehensive National Mandate for the Elimination of Discrimination Against Individuals with Disablities." That's what the Americans with Disabilities Act says it's gonna do. What the fucking fuck? What is wrong with us? Have we all gone fucking crazy? We think the government is so good at what it does, the war on drugs, the war on poverty, the war on war. The government is so fucking good at that, they can fucking do anything? They can make us all physically equal, they can heal the lame, they can make the fucking blind fucking see! How about the government sticks to courts, police, defense, and corruption, and leaves compassion to people that fucking have that! Motherfuckers!
[talking to an orgasm session participant who just met his partner 20 minutes ago]
PParticipant
We can get very intimate very quickly by doing this without going through long conversation and the usual uh, challenge that people, you know, through words.
Ahhh, wait. I have a Dickwad to English dictionary here... he means, uh, "who actually wants to go through the hassle of having to actually talk to the bitch?"
[Teller, wearing a high school letter jacket, plays on a computer while a group of students and cheerleaders cheer him on.]
Next time you feel like worrying about fake violent video games, try a little gedankenexperiment: imagine that video games were invented 100 years before football. Picture school video game teams and uniforms and hot-ass cheerleaders with big, bouncing pom-poms. Now imagine after 100 years of extracurricular video game fun, football is invented and introduced to schools. Thousands of kids get real, no kidding, no fantasy, no make-believe broken knees, legs, ankles, cervical trauma, heatstroke, and concussions! [Throughout Penn's injury list, the crowd quiets, eventually becoming totally silent.] ... What would parents do? From 1931 to 2007, 650 kids died... from injuries they suffered playing football. This is not video game violence — this is real violence done to real children by other real children, all encouraged by schools and society. Every parent worries about his or her kids; every adult worries about all children, but you need to pick what you think is worth worrying about.
