Sedona, Arizona. Home of beautiful red rock ass canyons, scenic desert landscapes... and every crystal-sucking, vortex-fucking asshole out to make a few bucks off of New Age hippie bullshit!
S2 E7New Age
[After Sasha Lessin "explained" the tantric sex.]
See, even he doesn't believe it, he can't explain it, he just likes to FUCK!.
S2 E10Profanity
[Penn and Teller return after a segment on anti-profanity advocate Ginny Foster, who suggests saying "Santa vaca!" instead.]
"Saint cow." So, she is literally saying, "Holy cow!," in Spanish. But "holy cow" is a derogatory reference to the Hindu belief in the sacredness of cows. Ginny certainly doesn't believe in the holiness of cows, so taking that Lord's name in vain is perfectly acceptable. She doesn't buy the holy-cow myth. Therefore, if you didn't actually believe that Jesus is God—and most of the world doesn't—if you were, for example, a Hindu, shouting—
[Teller drops a bowling ball on Penn's foot.]
… JESUS CHRIST'S! … name… in a situation where you… or someone you know, somehow, accidentally… dropped a bowling ball on your FOOT… would be, by Ginny's standards… perfectly polite. [Penn looks like he wants to smack Teller.]
S2 E13Hypnosis
[Opening lines. Teller swings a clock on a string in front of Penn's face.]
TTeller (off-screen)
Your eyes are so heavy now, so heavy, they burn! Close them! Close them and feel yourself sinking down... down! [Teller puts the clock in his pocket and lays a cinder block on Penn's body] Feel your body tingling, and becoming absolutely rigid, rigid as a heavy wooden beam! [Teller then grabs a sledgehammer] And now, the tingling resumes, and you are feeling no... pain—
[As Teller is about to smash the cinderblock, Penn interrupts.]
Hold the phone! Before we do this, let's make sure hypnotism isn't bullshit.
S3 E2Family Values
The most frequent question we get asked about this show is, why would assholes like Brian Brown and Michael Medved come on a show called Bullshit! to get called "assholes"? We do not lie to them; we make sure they know all about the show. We give them copies of past shows, and it's always pretty clear which side of the issue we're gonna be on. The long answer is that people who come on this show generally consider themselves to be bulletproof. Most have never talked to anyone with a dissenting view, and certainly no one with a real research team, like ours. If you say something on our show, we check it. If you lie or make something up, we know. But we're fair—we never take people out of context. We're biased as all fuck, but we try to be honest. Now, that's the long answer. The short answer? [Penn and Teller shrug.]
S3 E3Conspiracy Theories
[Penn speaks of the deaths during the September 11, 2001 attacks.]
And that's something we should never forget. But to conspiracy nuts, death and suffering… are just heart-pounding entertainment. They whack to tragedy!
EHEric Hoffschmidt
My first reaction to Flight 93, was that the Military, after the towers had been hit, said "Uh-oh... wait a minute. That's not part of the plan! What is that plane gonna do? Shoot it!"
JWJimmy Walter
I firmly believe that most of the alleged passengers on the alleged hijacked planes are still alive and quite frankly, I think they were all probably working for the government.
Fuck you! We really hope this fuck-up runs into a family member of someone who's died. They may not take kindly to the idea that Daddy's faking his death somewhere.
[Penn & Teller are mocking the Moon Landing Hoax Conspiracy on a stage set w/ Penn as director]
CUT! Jesus fucking Christ, Neil! How many times do we have to try this? "One small step for A man", not man. A man! And that's YOU! Everybody take five. Neil, practice your fucking lines! Ooh yeah, let's use real pilots. I wanna use real pilots! [to the camera] Faking the Moon Landing is easy. You need dirt, wardrobe, a sound stage, a lot of black paints, and some stupid suits. The hard part is shutting people up. It's been 36 years! You'd think the technicians, and prop people, camera people, directors, everyone who works at NASA, and the Jet Propulsion Lab in Pasadena, and all the nice folks at Cape Carnaval in Florida, plus members of the US Congress and the White House all shut up about this amazing cover-up for all that time? The Government couldn't even fucking cover up a break-in to a psychiatrist's office in a fucking cheesy hotel! Watergate is the answer to all this shit. If they couldn't cover that up, they fucking can't do anything.
CLClyde Lewis
Do you really think that one morning in November 1963, Lee Oswald just got up and said "I'm gonna shoot the President today"?
Yes, but that's not a very sexy answer!
If the conspiracy [to kill President Kennedy] is so big and evil, why hasn't it killed Jim [Marrs]? And how did crazy Oliver Stone's movie [JFK (1991)] ever come out?
VBVincent Bugliosi
Instinctively, people find it incongruous that this could all happen as the result of the coincidental meeting of the President and a lone nut. They feel that a greater conspiracy has to be involved.
Second gunman my aching ass!
S3 E4Life Coaching
We don't know what the "center of our being" really is, but we hope it's chocolate cream!
S3 E5Holier than Thou
I sure hope Hell is bullshit, too, 'cause if not, we are going there for this one.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Penn & Teller: Bullshit! pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.