Penn quotes from Penn & Teller: Bullshit!

Penn

You can't stop an insane person from doing insane things by passing insane laws.

Penn

You see maybe Mr. Smug can call the police against a gang banger, but who does he call against the police?

Penn

And then, the pseudo-scientists dressed in leather stumbled clumsily around the well-lit bedroom. One of them said, the night before, she felt a presence. And the other two… believed her! A battery… went dead. And then the video screen got… got a little weird for a few seconds. They took lots and lots of pictures, and weeks later, when they were developed, a couple of them had lens flare, and they didn't remember fucking up the pictures! And then, the electromagnetic gizmo, that they hadn't calibrated at all… (Dramatic voice) WENT FROM "3" TO "7"! (Teller faints)

Penn

These people call what they do "cryptozoology" — "-zoology" meaning "the study of animals", and "crypto-" meaning "shit we made up".

Penn

Our pal Dino has a Woman/Cat theory. With each additional cat over two, the crazy increases exponentially. 3 cats, 27 times as crazy. 4 cats, 256 times. By the time you get to 78 cats, you have all the crazy in the free world.

Penn

There are so many people in the world who need our help, that it's sickening to spend all this money on pets. What about people? Couldn't all the money spent for fake dog balls, diamond collars, and cat food be spent to help people? Sure it could! But I have original mono copies of Bob Dylan's early albums […] Teller has an original bondage cross and handcuffs that Houdini owned […] We both spend three bucks for a cup of coffee, and live in houses that are way more than our families need. All that money could certainly go to helping people, too. Pets are more bullshit that people waste money on. But fuck, we're in glass houses on this one.

Penn

The white man gave Indians blankets laced with smallpox, massacred them, broke every treaty they signed, and stole their land. And let's not forget F Troop.

Penn

Manners are habits we can cultivate to help us remain considerate of others, even when we're not thinking about it. Of course, real thoughtful consideration for others can easily replace manners. Teller considers that our guests might like to see how the trick works. Thank you, Teller.

Penn

In a recent poll, eight out of ten Americans said rudeness is a serious problem. The other two told our pollster to fuck off!

Penn

To learn about abstinence, we told our producer we wanted to talk to a woman with really… huge… envelopes. He's foreign. He didn't know that in America, every plural noun means "tits".

Penn

Today, a disturbing 35% of our school districts require that abstinence be taught as the only option for teens. Even worse, these programs prohibit the discussion of contraception, unless it's about that stupid small percentage of time when it doesn't work. Fuck! When did Washington turn into the Vatican?

Penn

Now, we're not saying you should have sex because so many other people are. We're saying you should make your own rules, decide what's good for you, based on what you think is important. And don't let anything be thrust into you against your will — not a dick, and not someone else's psycho-religious kink.

Penn

So what have we learned? The U.S. government continues to dump hundreds of millions of our dollars a year into misleading, religion-based, anti-sex education. The only good thing about the program? It doesn't work. Most kids just ignore it. Sure, we're throwing away money, but only really religious kids are hurt by it. Our religion-based government can't fuck us up on this because bullshit detection is written into our genes. The sex switch gets turned on at puberty, and no matter how much government or religion twists the truth, they're fighting the honest beauty of love and sex. That's like bringing a knife to a gun fight.

Penn

If you have the willpower to overcome several billion years of evolution, cool, more for the rest of us. And you can stop fucking too, cool, more for the rest of us. Thanks.

Penn

You know, our pal Marvin Minsky, pioneer of Artificial Intelligence at MIT, says: "I don't work out because we don't know yet enough about the long-term effects. It appears that each hour of exercise may add two hours to one's life - but I don't know of any evidence that this leads to getting better ideas."

Penn

Now hold on, this isn't some Wal-Mart lovefest. Sometimes, they're really assholes when they want to be. In 2000, Wal-Mart reportedly paid $50 million to settle a lawsuit filed in Colorado by 69,000 workers who had been forced to work off the clock. In December 2005, Wal-Mart had to pay $172 million to 116,000 California employees for not giving them their legally mandated 30-minute lunch breaks. So that's at least, uhh... 185,000 people who had a legitimate beef. And, uhh... don't spread it around, but I'm kind of, sort of a Target guy myself.