Penn quotes from Penn & Teller: Bullshit!

Penn

Sedona, Arizona. Home of beautiful red rock ass canyons, scenic desert landscapes... and every crystal-sucking, vortex-fucking asshole out to make a few bucks off of New Age hippie bullshit!

Penn

See, even he doesn't believe it, he can't explain it, he just likes to FUCK!.

Penn

"Saint cow." So, she is literally saying, "Holy cow!," in Spanish. But "holy cow" is a derogatory reference to the Hindu belief in the sacredness of cows. Ginny certainly doesn't believe in the holiness of cows, so taking that Lord's name in vain is perfectly acceptable. She doesn't buy the holy-cow myth. Therefore, if you didn't actually believe that Jesus is God—and most of the world doesn't—if you were, for example, a Hindu, shouting—

Penn

… JESUS CHRIST'S! … name… in a situation where you… or someone you know, somehow, accidentally… dropped a bowling ball on your FOOT… would be, by Ginny's standards… perfectly polite. [Penn looks like he wants to smack Teller.]

Penn

The most frequent question we get asked about this show is, why would assholes like Brian Brown and Michael Medved come on a show called Bullshit! to get called "assholes"? We do not lie to them; we make sure they know all about the show. We give them copies of past shows, and it's always pretty clear which side of the issue we're gonna be on. The long answer is that people who come on this show generally consider themselves to be bulletproof. Most have never talked to anyone with a dissenting view, and certainly no one with a real research team, like ours. If you say something on our show, we check it. If you lie or make something up, we know. But we're fair—we never take people out of context. We're biased as all fuck, but we try to be honest. Now, that's the long answer. The short answer? [Penn and Teller shrug.]

Penn

And that's something we should never forget. But to conspiracy nuts, death and suffering… are just heart-pounding entertainment. They whack to tragedy!

Penn

CUT! Jesus fucking Christ, Neil! How many times do we have to try this? "One small step for A man", not man. A man! And that's YOU! Everybody take five. Neil, practice your fucking lines! Ooh yeah, let's use real pilots. I wanna use real pilots! [to the camera] Faking the Moon Landing is easy. You need dirt, wardrobe, a sound stage, a lot of black paints, and some stupid suits. The hard part is shutting people up. It's been 36 years! You'd think the technicians, and prop people, camera people, directors, everyone who works at NASA, and the Jet Propulsion Lab in Pasadena, and all the nice folks at Cape Carnaval in Florida, plus members of the US Congress and the White House all shut up about this amazing cover-up for all that time? The Government couldn't even fucking cover up a break-in to a psychiatrist's office in a fucking cheesy hotel! Watergate is the answer to all this shit. If they couldn't cover that up, they fucking can't do anything.

Penn

If the conspiracy [to kill President Kennedy] is so big and evil, why hasn't it killed Jim [Marrs]? And how did crazy Oliver Stone's movie [JFK (1991)] ever come out?

Penn

Second gunman my aching ass!

Penn

We don't know what the "center of our being" really is, but we hope it's chocolate cream!

Penn

I sure hope Hell is bullshit, too, 'cause if not, we are going there for this one.

Penn

"Since Mr. Lama has been run out of Tibet, the Chinese have introduced secular education, running water and electricity so maybe life is a bit better on the ground there. Of course, the Chinese have also thrown thousands in labor camps and prisons, stomped out as much free speech as possible, and there's that whole fucked up Communism bullshit. But if you ask Tenzin Gyatso, dba Lama—what is it with these holy people and their aliases? His Holiness will tell you that he must return to power "for the good of his people." In this case, "good" may translate into his people living in squalor and his government condoning slavery. Remember, the lesser of two evils… is still evil. And the enemy of my enemy... is not my friend."

Penn

We're all offended, all the time, and we don't have a fucking right not to be offended! A free country is a marketplace of ideas, and college should be more free, not less.

Penn

Americans believe everybody deserves freedom to move up in the world. That's a great thing. But if moving up means spending four years in a beer commercial run by politeness police, maybe you should think twice.

Penn

The lawmakers didn't even read the law before they passed it. Assholes! All that protects us from their evil is their incompetence.

We can get more federal agents. Wow. What do we have to give in return?

Penn

We have to give the government more power, but what power? The patriot act is "an act to deter and punish terrorist acts in the United States and around the world, to enhance law enforcement investigatory tools, and for other purposes". Other purposes? What the fuck is that all about? Other purposes. You shouldn't even allow that kind of loose language in a fucking gym membership contract.