Peep Show Season 1 quotes

Mark

(Yeah. Listerine in the cab, swill the backwash into my Volvic, spurt of Lynx, it's the busy man's shower! OK, the edit, the brutal edit.) Um, OK, hi. So there's, there's so much to say about Gerrard. (That can all go, that goes.) In a way, whatever I say will end up feeling incomplete. (Covered myself there.) So why don't I just sum up? My first day I thought, what a great guy. I liked him as soon as I met him. (This is gonna take forever.) Yes, I mean, why don't I just give you the stories, the highlights? Aberdeen, the Finnemore numbers, tube up the nose! But so noble. World of Warcraft, huge for him. JLB, obviously, which I think Alan hit. (Sum up, time to sum up.) Look, I don't want to warble on when we probably all want to be out grieving and crying in a more well-catered environment. Sarnies! God, he loved a sandwich, seriously. (That's enough.) So, I just feel very sad, that's the take home message which I want you all to go away with. (Think I got away with that. Yeah, if you've got any complaints, tell 'em to Gerrard.)

(OK, Mr. Bendicks, bring it on.) Want some Curly Wurly? (Yeah. You weren't expecting that, were you?) Nothing, OK, I've heard about this. Harsh Freudian. I suppose you want me to sit here, yeah? Well, how about if I go and stand over here instead? You think you can handle that, hmm? So I suppose I can say anything in here. That's the whole idea, right? I can call you a dickhead if I want. Yeah, got a big dick for your head. (Is he going to get me sectioned? I hope he doesn't have a secret sectioning button under there.) So what do you want me to do? Pull down my pants and fertilise the plants? Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you? Yeah, then you'd have a real patient on your hands. More mental millions for your high interest account, or ISA, or share portfolio, or to spend on your wife, or your boyfriend, chowing down on an Aberdeen Angus steak from your Volkswagen Passat. That's right, kemosabe, I've got your number. Yeah, doesn't feel very nice when the searchlight is turned on the searchlight operator. Hmm, yeah, pal? How about if I just pulled my knob out, and started wanking? Yeah? Oh, you'd love that wouldn't you? My gonads out, one ball dangling in front of each eye. That's your dream, yeah? WELL I'M NOT GOING TO!

Would you like a glass of water?

Yes, please.

Mark

Jez, will you please get your filthy hands out of my girlfriend's brain?

What?

Mark

You'd better not be about tell her to expect more out of life or follow her heart.

Look, I'm just going to say this. I love you Celia. (So great for a first date. Stone cold classic.)

That is so true.

(Of course it's true. I just made it up.)

Super Hans

Uh, widely acknowledged to have nicked our sound.

The Chemical Brothers.

Super Hans

Correct. Bullshitters turning wank into cash.

Flaming Lips?

Super Hans

Correct. Oh, arsehole.

LCD Soundsystem.

Super Hans

Fakers.

Pavement.

Super Hans

Yep. Oh, we thought we had her number, and you got a bit over-excited, but it turned out to be a not very funny joke?

Lily Allen.

Super Hans

Correct. Phonies.

Foo Fighters.

Super Hans

Yeah. Oh, demanded the Ramsgate blowjob.

Mumford & Sons?

Super Hans

Mmmm.

That's your lot.

(I'm so good at this. But I bet not one person here is gonna give me a blowjob.)

Mark

Robert, is Super Hans my boss now? Have you just promoted him?

Well that depends how you define "boss".

Mark

In the normal way?

Then yes, he is.

Super Hans

I'm guessing: cat

Mark

(Yes, and this cat's going to help me lure Dobby in, like a classic 70s paedo with a Ford Granada.)

Dobby

We will do this for real, right? We will go interrailing?

Mark

(Ohh, she's insatiable. I don't want to sleep with strangers in hostels and never have a proper relaxed poo.) Yeah, sure.

I've got medical training, I've got a certificate.

Mark

I gave you the certificate. It's utterly meaningless.

In a way, aren't all so-called qualifications meaningless?

Mark

No.

Yeah, I just spoke to Dave Franks. Apparently you and another bloke tried to swindle him? And then one of you did a shit in a display toilet.

Mark

That wasn't us, there was also a five-year-old boy.

Well, he didn't mention a boy.

Mark

There honestly was one. The shit will be child-sized, if you ask him.

I'm not asking him that.

Mark

Okay...Am I fired?

Yes.

Mark

Well, me and Dobby make a great team... Opposites attract!

No they don't. Not really. That's just something scientists and people in horrible relationships say.

Mark

Look, I think we need a cooling-off period. Just go back to London, find out what Nancy's up to, watch some pornos, have a couple of gay flings and then, at the end of two weeks, if you still feel the same, then maybe you can say something.

Look, I'm really, really serious, Mark. I can't see a way out of this. I think maybe... like... like one of us should kill ourselves.

Mark

The life coach speaks!

Mark

Well why don't you go back to London, then?

Oh, so you can ask her to marry you?

Mark

That's what we agreed.

Fuck the agreement.

Mark

Oh, great, that's brilliant. Fuck the agreement. Fuck the Geneva Convention. Fuck Parliamentary democracy. Fuck everything. Is that your great new idea?

You know how weak my powers of self-control are. Normally I can't wait five minutes before having a wank or a spliff or a chocolate biscuit. I've restrained myself for nearly three hours. That's got to stand for something. I'm sorry, but I'm going to tell Dobby how I feel about her.