Peep Show · Season 1
[Changing his mind about leaving the Nazi cartoon on Sophie's desk]
Mark (A bloody swastika! That is the single worst, single, bloody idea ever. I mean, a swastika!?) [Discovers the cartoon has disappeared from Sophie's desk] (It's gone! It's happened! Oh yeah, do what Jeremy would do! Thanks Jeremy you tit!) [Bangs his head twice against wall]
So, what you're saying is, these products are essential? The kind of products no one could do without?
Well... You're kind of making me say that.
I mean, not that.
The first thing to say would be that this is not pyramid selling.
You're doing pyramid selling?!
No, no, not pyramid selling.
I can't believe you're into pyramid selling.
Listen, listen. It's not pyramid selling, it's... network... marketing and it's a guaranteed money making... Mark! I've seen the, the charts!
Oh the "charts". There are "charts". Why didn't you tell me about the "charts".
Are you... trying to... piss on my bonfire?
I'm trying to... protect you from... pissing all over yourself.
I'm not about to piss... all over myself. I'm... I'm pissing into the... bigtime.
Listen, Jeremy, you don't seem to understand. Nothing you want is ever going to happen. That's the real world. Your hair isn't red, people don't walk around on stilts. Maybe somewhere you can earn a living sitting around, drinking margaritas through a curly plastic straw, but in this world, you've got to turn up, log on and grind out.
But, yeah, if you get in early ...
[Interviewing Jeremy, for a filing position]
...now, do you have any experience in this field?
Eh, I've done quite a lot actually, I mean not formal filing, but you know, alphabetabecising the videos, doing the spices, I suppose what I'd want to do is build on that experience in a professional... zone, SPHERE. I meant, sphere. (God, that sounded amazing, don't accidentally get the bugger!)
You're doing great...
[she ticks "Poor" in the "Experience", "Knowledge" and "Performance level" boxes on her sheet]
No, challenging is right... Umm... But, a bit more of a relaxing challenge, more like doing a crossword than a tracheotomy.
You're pissing on my bonfire!
There is no bonfire!
That's because you keep pissing on it!
I like you. Is that such a crime? Should I be hounded to the ends of the earth, just for liking you? I like you, and if you can't handle it, you can just, you know, fuck off.
You realise tinned food is just for crackheads and wars.
I just came here to tell you we've been invited to a very wicked party.
Do I look like the kind of man who goes to wicked parties?
But, it's better this way... two guys... we've got to get out there! Grooving! Doing it! You know? I mean, it's been a long time for either of us, I mean, I haven't had my oats in something like two weeks!! (Nine months and thirteen days.) I mean look at us! [Holds up a tissue box] People are going to think we spend the whole time wanking.
[Eating chicken wings] (This should be in the bag. Why isn't this in the bag? She looks like she hates me.) [Toni looks on in disgust]
What? It's eat as much as you can.
No, it's eat as much as you'd like. There's no competitive element involved.
At 3.99, I think I know who's winning.
So Valerie, who's your favourite member of S Club?
Oh, I'm not really into them. But I hear they have a big gay following. [mimes oral sex]
For the worst thing that could possibly happen, this is actually going extremely well.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Peep Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
