(Oh, God, vodka! It'll be an orgy. Great! Disappoint three people instead of just one!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
The whole world isn't Zoo Magazine, Jeremy. People don't just go around wanting it the whole time.
JJez
Warp factor 3 please, Scotty!
(Oh, great. I'm Scotty. He's off cross-breeding with the beautiful aliens and I'm stuck down in the engine room with the probably cancer-emitting fuel cells.)
[discussing Malcolm's daughter]
MMalcolm
What do you think of her? Honestly.
(I think she might have a borderline personality disorder.) I think she's... lovely.
I don't want sweet punani action; I want to take your bishop and grind you down!
[Mark is pitching his CV]
(Shit! I'm losing him!) And if you look at the bottom, you'll see that my hobbies include history and going to the movies.
LLucy
I like going to the movies.
(Of course you do. Everyone does. Man seeks woman. Must be interested in film, breathing oxygen and converting protein intake into muscle energy.)
It's just a hairy turkey!
"Mummy" was probably the turkey's nickname. ... It could easily be!
[after Jez has eaten "turkey" (actually the dog, "Mummy")]
Did you actually have to eat it?
JJez
I don't know. I keep wondering that. But in the moment, it really did feel like I needed to eat it.
JJez
Did you slink off to bed before we did the melon-off?
I believe I did, and what exactly is....
JJez
Two guys get hard-ons, they put melons on their dicks, the first melon to fall off loses.
Right, and who won - Gore Vidal or Dr Jonathan Miller?
[Nancy is asleep on the sofa]
Nancy stayed over?
Yeah. Lovely, clean Nancy all over our filthy disgusting sofa.
Well, you should be more careful you... jizz-cock!
DDriver
What?
You could have had my legs off you... piss-kidney.
DDriver
Arsehole!
(Arsehole! Yep, nice insult. Clean, clear and insulting.)
JJez
You OK?
Yeah, yeah, fine. Bit of a wobble. I just proposed to a woman in a coffee shop and tried to get myself run over.
JJez
OK. Right. That is maybe a sign that everything isn't totally groovy.
Mark we're in the middle of the road you're gonna get us killed for the sake of your legacy. Stop it! You're not fucking Blair!
JJez
God I am dying for a piss. I feel like someone's inflating a balloon full of urine inside me. And not in a good way.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Peep Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.