She's got trouble written right through her. Like a stick of Brighton rock.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Where might you find a diphthong?
It's an element of speech.
Where might you find one?
In a word?
JJez
Do you think maybe, if I plead and plead and plead, she'll forget all about it and things will go back to like before?
Honestly?
JJez
Quite honestly. Not brutally honestly.
Then... yeah, absolutely.
M2Mugger 2
Alright mate?
M1Mugger 1
Will you lend us your phone mate?
[startled]...What?
M1Mugger 1
Lend us your fuckin' phone!
Why?
M2Mugger 2
Well I need to make a call.
....Dont you have your own phone?
M2Mugger 2
Come on, lend us your phone.
Right... it's just... 'Neither a lender nor a borrower be'!
M1Mugger 1
Do you think we're some pair of shit-houses?
No! God, no! It's just a... It's a BlackBerry and....
M2Mugger 2
Give us your phone! Give us your wallet!
M1Mugger 1
Come on! Before we fuckin' do you!
(Do me? Are they going to rape me? Or kill me? If they rape AND kill me, I hope they kill me first....I sort-of win...) [Hands over the phone]
M1Mugger 1
Is that it? You got nothin' else?
[meekly] ...Yes
M2Mugger 2
What else?
There's my travel card? (That's right, Mark, help the muggers...what do you want, approval?)
M1Mugger 1
[They laugh at Mark's photo] Alright, now piss off!
[inwardly indignant] Oh this really takes the biscuit.
M2Mugger 2
FASTER...
I thought it was at least the muggers who had to run off. The victim flees -
M1Mugger 1
FASTER!!
[running] Oh this really leaves a sour taste.
JJez
"You've got to toughen up. This is the 21st century. You've seen 'Mad Max', haven't you? That's what's going to happen!
Mad Max isn't necessarily going to happen.
JJez
You're still living in your Hitchhiker's Guide world where you wander around in your dressing gown and have a nice cup of tea.
About Stu (He's a monk, he's gonna have fifteen years of spunk backed up. How am I supposed to compete with that?)
Yeah. Take that Stu, you lump of monk. God didn't protect you from my big fist.
(Still drinking alone, what's the big deal? If I drink a bottle of vodka and a man's there does that somehow make it alright?)
[Stu appears]
SStu
Hey man, I'm really parched, you mind if I have a swig of something?
Whatever.
[Stu drinks from the milk jug]
(God, that's what a man should look like. Look at that body. Those arms.)
SStu
Listen man, I know you still have feelings for Suze and that's fine. So, it's really nice to meet you, and...no hard feelings. Yeah?
Yeah
[Jeremy stands up to shake Stu's hand, but pulls back at the last moment and wiggles his fingers in front of his face and laughs]
SStu
What does that mean?
You know what it means, Stu, by how it makes you feel! That's what it means. [Stu begins to walk away] Welcome to big school!
(God I must look so cool to her, like Pete Doherty or Bukowski. Yeah, that's right honey, I'm a street fighting man. God she's probably getting wet just looking at me.) Hold your horses honey, I've got coupons for the Pringles.
[Super Hans nonchalantly flings Merry's laptop across the room]
JJez
Super Hans!
Oh, what? Oh, 'cause it's a computer you think it's made of spiders webs and magic? It's just a metal box Jez, they're indestructible.
I suppose doing things you hate is just the price you pay to avoid loneliness.
"If you build it, they will come". That's my market research.
Your market research is Field of Dreams? I mean, a man who made a baseball pitch in his garden for ghosts? That's your role model?
MMerry
You know, my bone's got a little machine.
JJez
People like lager and nuts.
People like Coldplay and voted for the Nazis. You can't trust people, Jeremy.
JJez
I'm definitely not co-managing a pub called 'Free the Paedos'.
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