Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes
1930 total quotes[noting the Italian-looking names in the credits]
Crow: This is a fascist Santa!
Mike: Yeah, at the end, Santa gets hung upside down.
Tom: Well, at least he made the sleigh rides run on time.
Crow: This is a fascist Santa!
Mike: Yeah, at the end, Santa gets hung upside down.
Tom: Well, at least he made the sleigh rides run on time.
[Novice magician Cooper is force-feeding a potion to his cat Miffy with a dropper.]
Servo [as Miffy]: Meow, meow... safe! Meow, meow... very safe!
Servo [as Miffy]: Meow, meow... safe! Meow, meow... very safe!
[Now in a gown, the woman is lifted to a stage before a crowd below.]
Narrator [as Announcer]: And now, a glamorous dancer and a special number: "Dance of Tomorrow"!
Crow [as Announcer]: Chorus Line 2: The Wrath of Chaka Khan!
. . .
Woman: Everyone says the future is strange, but I have a feeling some things won't change.
[The crowd claps along, but to a slower beat.]
Servo, Crow [as Crowd]: Give us Cyd Charisse!
Crow: While she's dancing, the Japanese are making great cars.
Servo [as Announcer]: Cindy Williams is Twyla Tharp as Isadora Duncan in The Meredith Monk Story: A One-Woman Show!
Mike [as Announcer]: Co-starring Tom Bosley.
Crow [as Announcer]: As Bosley.
Narrator [as Announcer]: And now, a glamorous dancer and a special number: "Dance of Tomorrow"!
Crow [as Announcer]: Chorus Line 2: The Wrath of Chaka Khan!
. . .
Woman: Everyone says the future is strange, but I have a feeling some things won't change.
[The crowd claps along, but to a slower beat.]
Servo, Crow [as Crowd]: Give us Cyd Charisse!
Crow: While she's dancing, the Japanese are making great cars.
Servo [as Announcer]: Cindy Williams is Twyla Tharp as Isadora Duncan in The Meredith Monk Story: A One-Woman Show!
Mike [as Announcer]: Co-starring Tom Bosley.
Crow [as Announcer]: As Bosley.
[Nurse Sally listens as Old Malla explains to endocrinologist Paul Talbot how she's lived past 140.]
Malla: When we are alone, I will speak.
Crow [as Dr. Talbot]: Well, we kinda are alone. Nursie isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Malla: When we are alone, I will speak.
Crow [as Dr. Talbot]: Well, we kinda are alone. Nursie isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer.
[Of Suzy's dimwitted, pliable paramour, Frankie...]
Crow: He's like an idiot savant--minus the savant.
Crow: He's like an idiot savant--minus the savant.
[Okasa has the Master cornered, but the Master uses a smoke bomb to make a stealthy exit.]
Joel: Oh, ninjas never had those.
Servo [as Okasa]: Damn. He knows Doug Henning.
Max: You all right?
Joel [as the Master]: I'm fine, but I'm out 20 bucks. Let's head back to the magic shop.
Joel: Oh, ninjas never had those.
Servo [as Okasa]: Damn. He knows Doug Henning.
Max: You all right?
Joel [as the Master]: I'm fine, but I'm out 20 bucks. Let's head back to the magic shop.
[Old man George Price closes his house curtains during funeral sequence.]
Tom [as George]: Boring!
Crow [as George]: [as he shuts the curtains] There, my problem went away.
Tom [as George]: Boring!
Crow [as George]: [as he shuts the curtains] There, my problem went away.
[On a large yacht, soundtrack artists Carol Connors and The Cascades observe the boys and girls angrily ignoring each other.]
Servo: I feel a number coming on��
Carol Connors: Hey, we better do something, and quick!
Various Cascades: Yeah! Let's do something.
Crow: Hey, it's Gloria Estefan and the Catalina Deus Ex Sound Machina!
Servo: I feel a number coming on��
Carol Connors: Hey, we better do something, and quick!
Various Cascades: Yeah! Let's do something.
Crow: Hey, it's Gloria Estefan and the Catalina Deus Ex Sound Machina!
[On board Exeter's spaceship, Cal and Ruth stand on a "conversion" platform.]
Exeter: Place your hands above the rails.
[We hear the sound of static as the scientists' hands are suddenly pulled onto the rails.]
Exeter: They're magnetized.
Mike [as Exeter]: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something.
Exeter: Place your hands above the rails.
[We hear the sound of static as the scientists' hands are suddenly pulled onto the rails.]
Exeter: They're magnetized.
Mike [as Exeter]: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something.
[On spacing range shelters to avoid chickens wandering off]
Narrator: You know how chickens are.
Servo: Yeah, they own everything.
Narrator: You know how chickens are.
Servo: Yeah, they own everything.
[On stage, ventriloquist dummy Hugo whines about wine]
Hugo: I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine?
Mike [as Hugo]: All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me!
Hugo: I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine?
Mike [as Hugo]: All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me!
[On the beach, the biker-gang leader fights lean Hank]
Servo [as Biker/Johnny Mathis]: [singing to "Chances Are"]
Servo [as Biker/Johnny Mathis]: [singing to "Chances Are"]
[On the Catalina ferry Little Richard performs the song "Scuba Party" in his trademark effervescent fashion.]
Crow: Little Richard? I hate impressionists!
. . .
Servo: Prince, I hope you're watching this!
Joel: I think a certain teen idol is hopped up on goofballs!
Crow: Little Richard: the one true talent in this film!
Crow: Little Richard? I hate impressionists!
. . .
Servo: Prince, I hope you're watching this!
Joel: I think a certain teen idol is hopped up on goofballs!
Crow: Little Richard: the one true talent in this film!
[On the creek bottom, Bob Hedges finds the chest containing the dead cat.]
Mike: Hey! They whacked Toonces!
Crow: Well, he killed a made canary, so they had to do 'im.
Mike: Hey! They whacked Toonces!
Crow: Well, he killed a made canary, so they had to do 'im.