[Clone Richard searches through some top-secret files.]
Mike [as Richard/Winston Smith]: Whaddya know -- we aren't at war with Eurasia!
. . .
[Richard reads a file written in a careful, round cursive.]
Crow: Thanks to Miss Taylor's fourth-grade class for transcribing our secret clone notes!
. . .
Mike [as Richard]: Black helicopter�� Roswell�� Area 51�� Waco�� formula for Coca-Cola��

[Clones Len and Richard wake up the next morning after a night of sex and, thanks to camera positioning, it looks like Richard's crotch is smoking.]
Crow: Wow, she really WAS on top of Ol' Smokey!

[Clones Lena and Richard chat by a campfire.]
Lena: I like it. It gives me time to write.
Richard: Write?
Lena: Yeah, I write my thoughts and my ideas.
Crow [as Lena]: I've already filled a Post-it note.

[Close up on a phone when a ringing sound (made by a person offscreen) goes off]
Joel: [in disbelief] Unbelieveable...
[Tom bursts out into laughter]
Dr. Logan: Hello? [A pause] Yes?
Crow [as Dr. Logan]: I made that phone noise.

[Close-up of crossbow being fired]
Servo: [singing] Shoot that poison arrow through my heaaaaaaa-aaart!

[Close-up of John Carradine smoking a cigarette...]
Servo: [deep voice] John Carradine for Viceroy.
[Close-up of young Jim smoking...]
Crow: [lisping] Sal Mineo for Viceroy!

[Close-up of some unidentifiable part of a fish.]
Mike: Please enjoy a fish anus.

[Close-up of woman driving, having difficulty with a map]
Patrolman: Here's another problem on the roads that we officers face all too often...
Mike: Women drivers! [everyone chuckles condecsendingly]

[Close-up shot of two main characters watching the action.]
Servo: Ah, another sellout crowd.

[Closing shot of Franklin's image on a half-dollar]
Mike: Benjamin Franklin was tried in the Eighth circuit court on stalking charges; in a minute, the results of that trial. [N]
Progress Island USA (short)

[Col. Hunt answers the phone.]
Col. Hunt: Colonel Hunt speaking.
Wikowski: Good morning, Colonel Hunt! You're a hard man to find.
Mike [as Hunt]: Sarah?
Col. Hunt: Who's this?
Wikowski: Well, it's a little difficult to introduce oneself over the phone...
Crow [as Wikowski]: I sell paneling.
Wikowski: I'm John Wikowski, father of one of the pilots that transferred to your command a couple of weeks ago.
Col. Hunt: [suddenly smiling] Oh yes, our Lieutenant Wikowski!
Servo: And his face springs into action!
Col. Hunt: I do know you by reputation, of course, Congressman. Pleasure to speak with you in person. But I believe your boy is up on a training mission right now, or I'd have him talk to you.
Wikowski: Oh, I merely wanted to introduce myself to you...
Mike [as Wikowski]: Perhaps dinner...
Wikowski: We have a bit in common, you see...
Crow [as Wikowski/Liberace]: My brother George...
Wikowski: You remember flying in the ETO together, 20 years ago?
Col. Hunt: Quite a lot of us pilots were in the ETO together at that time, sir.
Wikowski: Yes, I suppose so.
Servo: [to Mike, mishearing] They were in BTO?
Mike: I guess...

[College student Lewis Moffitt (played by 41-year-old George E. Mather) gets off the phone with his girlfriend.]
Joel [as Moffitt]: Aw, she's the ginchiest. Life does begin at 40.
[He puts on a sweater.]
Servo [as Moffitt]: Let's see�� [groans] �� ooh, that bursitis is really acting up today.
Crow [as Moffitt/Old Man]: I'm gonna have to take a sweater. My legs are old, my teeth are grey��
The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 3 (short)

[Coming aboard the Seaquarium, Stella and Peter are looking for Dr. Janet.]
Peter: Janet! Janet!
Servo [as Peter]: Oh, sorry, I forgot. I'm nasty, Miss Jackson!

[Confused about a name in the opening credits]
Joel: What does "A.S.C." mean?
Servo: "A sick cookie".
Joel: Oh.

[Confused, acid-scarred Jerry is being tossed around in the surf.]
Servo: [You know] how some movies inspire you to make your own movie? This one inspires me to make my own gravy.