[At Santa's Toyland, boys and girls from all over the world sing as Santa plays his organ.]
Servo [as Santa]: [singing] Ho, ho, ho, ho, staying alive, staying alive...
. . .
[Over Spain]
Mike, Crow, Servo: [singing along] I love him, I love him, and where he goes, I'll follow...
. . .
[Over China]
Servo: [singing] We are forced to sing...
Crow: Hey, could we move on to a country with some rhythm?
. . .
Narrator: Boys and girls from England.
Crow: ...have rotten teeth.
Servo [as Santa]: Feel it! Get down with your bad Santa self!
. . .
Narrator: Japan also helps Santa.
Mike [as Narrator]: By investing in his toy corporation, they now own Santa lock, stock, and barrel.
. . .
Narrator: Talented children from the Orient.
Crow: ...are not here today.
Mike: Um, uh, you're dancing on my keyboard.
Servo [as Santa]: [singing] Get it on in the morning now!
. . .
Narrator: Even Russia has a delegation.
Crow: Currently under surveillance by the CIA.
Mike [as Narrator]: Santa makes them work 16 hours a day for $2 an hour.
. . .
Narrator: The group from France.
Servo: ...stinks to high heaven!
. . .
[Over Germany]
Crow [as General Burkhalter]: Klink, you are a terrible singer!
Mike [as Col. Klink]: You're absolutely right! I am a terrible singer!
Crow [as General Burkhalter]: How would you like to sing at the Russian front?
Mike [as Col. Klink]: Well, my father was a very famous conductor...
Crow [as General Burkhalter]: Shut up!
Mike: I just wanna know one thing: When are Donny and Marie coming through the door?
. . .
Narrator: Here's a happy song from Italy.
Servo: [sings random Italian gibberish]
Crow: So is this neorealism?
Servo [as Don Corleone]: Okay, we're gonna whack Santa. He's trying to muscle in on the Easter Bunny's turf.
Mike: Okay, great. You've offended everyone now.
. . .
Narrator: The islands of the Caribbean.
Mike: ...have nothing to do with this movie.
Servo [as a Jamaican]: Legalize it, mon!
Mike: [singing] Get up, stand up, stand up for your rights...
Servo [as Ed McMahon]: Next up in the junior vocalist category: Thailand!
. . .
Narrator: The South American group includes Brazil and Argentina.
Mike: And a few other countries not worth mentioning right now.
Crow: Ho! Santa's doing the forbidden dance!
. . .
Narrator: The countries of Central America.
Mike: ...are a threat to Santa's vital security interests.
Servo: Hey, those are the same kids from the other countries! They'll be playing the Egyptians next.
. . .
Crow: Hooray!
Mike: Yay! USA! Woo!
Narrator: The children of the USA.
Crow: ...are too spoiled and lazy to help Santa. There, that makes it better.
. . .
Narrator: A neighborly group of children from Mexico.
Crow: ...are over-accessorized.

[At Summerfest, Tommy randomly goes up to a woman and kisses her on the lips.]
Tommy: Thanks!
[The woman laughs it off.]
Mike [as Woman]: I just got assaulted, it's fun!

[At the 1962 Seattle World's Fair, we see a science exhibit entitled How Do Animals Learn?]
Crow [as Man]: "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care.

[At the 4-H cow show, the judge announces the winner.]
Narrator: Well! The champion's blue ribbon goes to a girl!
Crow [as Narrator]: The cows are furious!

[At the auditions, Gladys points out a "NO SMOKING" sign to smoker Linda, who takes it down and sits on it.]
Servo: Lucky sign!

[At the behest of the narrator, little Mildred puts away her clothes at high speed.]
Servo [as Henry Higgins]: Why can't a woman be more like a man?
Mike: In the '50s, people responded well to authoritative disembodied voices.
Crow: The fun never stops when you're clean and tidy!

[At the carnival, Lombardi talks about his assistant Andrea with Johnny the barker.]
Barker Johnny: I knew her when she was a carnival follower. Every time we'd hit a town, she'd be there, waiting for us.
Servo: So she's a carnival preceder.

[At the end of the film, a question mark appears and moves towards the screen.]
Servo: It's Prince's new name, isn't it?
Crow: No, it's Frank Gorshin's new name!
The Atomic Brain (movie)

[At the end of the movie, all of Fingal's (now Rick's) co-workers are watching "Casablanca".]
Crow [as co-worker]: But I hate this movie. It's on AMC every week!

[At the end of the movie, as romantic soundtrack music plays, Cmdr. Scott and Lt. Karen Lamont gaze into each other's eyes.]
Joel [as Scott]: I know our affair wasn't set up in this film, but�� let's be part of the Loose-End Festival anyhow.

[At the film's end, another rocket launches into space.]
Mike: So, they learned nothing.
Servo: Yep.
Crow: Well, I learned somethin', Mike: I learned that doctors don't care.
Servo: I learned that southern California can get cold enough for a snorkel jacket.
Mike: [reading the credit for Burr DeBenning] I learned never to name a child "Burr".
Crow: Mike, I've written a short sketch about Burr DeBenning. Ahem... "Hi, what's your name?" "Burr." "Oh here, take my coat. Now what's your name?" "Burr!" Heh-heh... ha...
Mike: Very good.
Crow: I kill me.
Servo: Well, I also learned never to scream "I'm Ted Nelson" to a security guard.
Mike: I learned that half-eaten turkey legs make very tepid ironic statements.
Crow: We learned it's good to have Saltines around your house.
Servo: I learned that sheriffs are full of pyrotechnics.
[Mike notices a credit for Jonathan Demme on the screen.]
Mike: Jonathan Demme?! Ah, who cares. Anyway?
Servo: Uh, once again, we learned that NASA is staffed by two or three people, tops.
Crow: And they hire civilian doctors to head up their recovery program.
Servo: What else, what else? ...Oh, I learned that some nurses can't find properly fitting uniforms. You?
Mike: Musta learned something else... Oh, we learned some cats can open the refrigerator, get the milk, bring the milk into the middle of the kitchen, throw it up in the air, drop it on the floor, shatter it all over the place.
Servo: Good lesson.
Crow: Well, we also learned that if you're a melting man, you can have a short but successful career as a sprinter.
Servo: Me, I learned that I should never marry a passive, immobile doctor named Ted Nelson who doesn't ever do anything. And I certainly shouldn't have his baby.
Mike: I think that's very sound. Oh, you know what? I learned that I can use the word "Aadgka!" as an expletive, if necessary.
Servo: Aadgka!
Crow: I learned that if you're gonna have a general over for dinner, you better have turkey legs and beer on hand.
Servo: Well, we learned that lights and lighting really aren't necessary to make a film these days.
Mike: And neither are actors.
Servo: Well, I think I learned that I shouldn't go to Saturn unless I have the proper protective gear.
[Mike gets up from his seat and stretches.]
Crow: Yep, yep. Right now I'm learnin' that even though this movie is about eighty minutes long, it feels like Berlin Alexanderplatz.
Servo: I also learned that some sheriffs aren't married. Did you know that?
Mike: [sitting down] Yes I did. I learned it was impossible to look good in the '70s.
Crow: I learned that even if you chop a monster's arm off, it'll only make him stronger and more powerful.
Servo: Yep. And I learned that you can just fill in crucial elements of the plot whenever it's convenient. I did not know that.
Mike: We've learned that if you're put in charge of an urgent, top secret government project, it really doesn't matter if you do anything.
Crow: Yah, yup. And we learned that sometimes, people can abuse spirit gum and latex.
Mike: Oh, I hear ya.

[At the general store, Melissa's total comes to $8.89]
Crow: She gives him $15.55 just so she can get $6.66 back in change.

[At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.]
Natalie: So it all comes to this?
Servo [as Natalie]: The... thing that it comes to?
Natalie: You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune?
Crow [as Yuri]: Yes, we is.
Natalie: But over my deadBODy. You hear me? I won't stand for it!
Servo [as Natalie]: You is a jerk!

[At the high school hallway, student Jim shows his new clarinet while Buzz watches.]
Joel [as Jim]: Got it from the Franklin Mint!

[At the lakeside picnic, little Rokuro (Rok-san) frantically paddles his watercraft during an earthquake. On shore, Goro glances at Jinkawa.]
Goro: Hey! The rocket!
Servo: [Snorts] Rockets!
Crow: On a picnic?
. . .
Rokuro: Help me! Hurry up!
Joel: Hey, you're in no position to make demands, kid!
. . .
[Goro fires the "rocket" at Rok-san, who catches the attached rope and secures his end around his watercraft.]
Servo: Guess a rocket is standard picnicking equipment in Japan, isn't it?
Joel: Yeah.
Servo: Yep!
Crow [as Picnicker]: Well, let's go on a picnic. Let's see, we got our food, beverages, and 50 feet of uncoiled rope��